It's Happening: NCIS

Chapter 55

(Damn I missed writing and I missed you guys. I'm so happy to be posting this and writing again. Love you all. Thank you for being patient with everything I'm going through <3)

Tim's POV:

This is a mess.

I can't believe what I did.

I can't believe I let this happened after the day I had.

After all we have been through, I can't believe I'm an accomplice in what just happened.

The last time I had to sleep in a bed alone was when I flew to California with Abby. I don't even want to say her name right now. I don't want to think of her. She's caused too many problems in my relationship with her and my fiancé.

This is the final straw. After this there is no relationship between us. I thought I missed her now I don't see how I ever can.

I'm standing in our room alone, missing her and hating myself.

I can't have this one mistake, this one huge mistake, ruin us. I don't have a choice but to be here alone tonight, and I deserve it.

I could go back and fight for her but it's late. I can't go against Ziva in general on a regular day. There's no way I would be able to go against her angry that I woke her up.

I slowly get ready to lay in bed alone tonight with the thoughts of what I've done.

Even though, the horrible moment is running through my mind, I can't help but to worry about everything else.

Did she pack everything she needs?

Did they remember to set an alarm for tomorrow?

Is she going to remember to have her coffee before work? She can't go a day without one. If she doesn't feel like having one, it will do more harm than good. Believe me.

Will she be at work tomorrow?

I hope so. What I did was horrible, but she shouldn't put her job back because of me. She hasn't missed a day of work for anything. She's had perfect attendance; she shouldn't mess that up.

I have to stop asking these questions and do what I did when we were apart before.

I get out the journal I haven't written in for a while. Everything up till this moment has been amazing for us. We haven't been apart ever since she moved in, so I never have a chance to miss her until now.

All I can do is write about how sorry and foolish I am for letting this happen to us.

I did this and I'm not sure she'll ever forgive me.

I need her to.

I'm not asking her to forget this, but I hope she will, for her sake more than mine. I am asking her to forgive me. When I get the chance that she gives me I hope she forgives me.

If this is the last straw that breaks us up, then I'm going to hate myself more than I do now.

It can't be the end.

We've been through so much to have this be the end of us.

We survived abduction.

We survived separation.

We survived secrets.

We survived Sarah.

We survived James.

Most of all we survived keeping us a secret from Gibbs.

The difference from those obstacles to now is that I'm the one who hurt her.

I didn't know how to stop her from leaving without touching her, and it was the last thing she wanted me to do. I've never had that react that way towards me before. It hurt me, but I couldn't look at her when she told me Sean kissed her. It wasn't because of her, but in a way it was. When I looked at her, I saw his lips against hers and I hated it. It was the reason I had to walk away. So, I understand why she did what she did.

I deserve it.

As I write how horrible I feel about this, it's as if there's a rock in my chest. My mouth is drying because I can't believe what I'm writing, and my jaw is hanging. My hands are shaking because with every work I write I'm acknowledging what I've done and what could happen because of it.

I have to push through it. I did this. It wasn't all me. I clearly had some help.

I rather write how horrible I feel than remember why I'm laying here alone and feel alone.

I can only wait for tomorrow to come and pray that she'll talk to me.

I don't care if it's in the break room or in her office.

We're engaged.

We have to talk about this and soon.