Closer 2

119.

Eddy was crying as quietly as he could despite the sobs tearing through him. He had curled up in the chair with his oldest son in his arms, trying to gently rock him to keep him calm. It was dark out, and while it should be a good thing to have this quiet time, while he should be happy to get to spend this time with Benjamin, his beautiful little boy, it simply served as a reminder that he had ruined everything by bringing the twins into the world.

Both boys had suffered so much ever since they were born with the infections and breathing problems, and he couldn't do anything for them to make it better. Even their birthmother had been in pain for days after delivering them. Elise had suffered, as her previously stable life with both her parents always focusing on her was taken away from her with her only ever seeing her parents together in the hospital, which she at this point knew just as well as their new house which he and Brett had no memories of together apart from the viewing. All of this was because he selfishly had decided he wanted a child that was genetically related to him. It shouldn't have mattered, he clearly should have been grateful for what he had gotten in life already. He just had to ask for more and ruin what he had in the process.

He missed Brett so much. They only saw each other a few hours during the day, but they never spent the time just being together. There was no room for that, because all their time was spent holding Benjamin, entertaining Elise, or carefully touching Aiden's cheek through the hole in the side of the new incubator they had moved him to. They never hugged anymore, never kissed, and Eddy wasn't completely sure Brett would want to touch him anymore, even. There was no time to talk just the two of them, so he couldn't ask either. Eddy just felt completely alone in his emotions, and he had nobody to talk to.

Eddy felt so alone, because of course he couldn't tell Brett he regretted having the boys. Brett hadn't really wanted this in the first place, and he would only have all the reason in the world to say "I told you so" and be angry with him. It wouldn't do anything good, either, it would just let Brett know that everything good in their lives had been ruined for no reason. And it wasn't really that he didn't love the boys either, because he loved them more than his own life. He just wished they hadn't existed so they wouldn't have to go through all they had in their few weeks of life already.

It was all his fault, too. He had been the one to push Brett into doing this. Hell, they even went to London for his sake in the first place. They could have had a nice, perfect life with Elise and just being boyfriends in the house they got together originally, actually having time to do what they loved with the channel and with making music, they could've gone on tours and met their fans. All of that was going down the drain, and it was all his fault.

"I love you, Benjamin, I do," he whispered in between sobs to his son, who had opened his eyes in an attempt to look around despite his lack of ability to focus his eyes just yet. "I'm so sorry I put you through all this."