The Advice Column II

230

Advice Request
This person's parents are having some issues which are also affecting them.

Answered Submission
Hello,

First of all, I want to say that you're a strong person. Even in surah Al-Baqarah, at the start of verse 286, it says that "Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear." To be afflicted by a problem as heavy as this is a sign that you can do it and that you are a strong person.

Marriage problems isn't a small issue. When it happens, most of the time it ends up straining the relationship between all family members. Children have to choose sides, which is the hardest thing to do because you love your parents equally. Choosing one parent over the other is like betraying the latter.

I don't blame you for resenting half of your family members because you're still young. It's natural because in a situation like this, all of these conflicts are happening around you and no one is doing anything to solve them.

Someone needs to take action so that problems like this don't last. However, you shouldn't have to do this by yourself. I'm not underestimating your strength but this isn't something that you should shoulder on your own. I'm not contradicting my words earlier when I said that you are strong enough to bear this — because Allah does not burden a soul beyond than it can bear — but it is still not something you have to deal with alone as it is affecting the rest of your family as well.

This is what I think you can do (you don't have to necessarily follow all of this in order. I'm just listing out everything that I can think of):

1. Tell your oldest brother about this.

You said that he is getting his PhD, so I can assume he's already an adult. Seeing as he ought to be the most mature of your siblings, you can act together to solve this. I can ask you to tell your grandmother as well. Since she's living with you, I assume that she already knows this is going on, so perhaps she'd be willing to help. However, I can understand if you wouldn't want to tell her because she's sick and you're worried that this might make her unstable.

2. Have a talk as a family (and by family I mean everyone including your parents and brothers).

From my point of view, this problem may have stemmed from bad events that happened in the past. Lay out everything and talk about it. This could go greatly if everyone is ready to admit to their mistakes. With your oldest brother on your side, this has a high chance of working. Your father might hear you out since, as you said, you and your brother are not really the source of your father's anger.

3. Anger management class.

Your father's anger problem can be harmful to both others and himself. It isn't something to be taken lightly especially if he is letting out his anger in the wrong place and at the wrong people. I know he's bent on doing things his own way which is why convincing him to go to an anger management class may be hard. You could have your brother talk to him about it, maybe even your grandmother. Since your father cares about your grandmother there's a high chance of him listening to her, especially when she is his mother.

4. Meet a marriage counsellor.

I know this is another idea that might not go well with your father, but if they're thinking of saving this marriage (even without the love in it) it's the only way that I can see of working things out. Meeting a marriage counsellor isn't something shameful. It's the same as meeting a psychiatrist or psychologist for your mental problems. It doesn't mean that you're weak or that you can't solve your own problems. It is never shameful. In fact, it might be a wonderful thing because it shows your willingness to make things better for your own good and for the sake of people around you.

I can see that this isn't something easy to be solved. This is why it isn't something you should work alone with. The relationship between your parents isn't something that you can do much about. If one of them is not willing to make it work, or is not being mature, or isn't trying to do their part, or isn't trying to communicate with the other, this will be very challenging.

This is something between both of your parents to solve. Your mother being the person your father targets with his anger shows two possibilities. Either your mother has done something in the past that he still hasn't forgiven her for so he still feels revengeful and sees that he is right to be angry at her, or it could be that he simply believes it is justified to let it out on his wife even though she has done nothing wrong.

My former theory could be wrong, but since your father doesn't usually yell at you or your brother then he must know somewhere inside him that letting out his anger on innocent people isn't right. His anger might have been fuelled by something in the past. I'm not saying that your mother is the bad person here (everyone makes mistakes) but this may explain why he directs his anger towards her a lot.

In either case, this is something that only they can solve between themselves. If they can't do it on their own it's advisable for them to see a counsellor or at least an understanding adult to act as a peacemaker.

If all of this ever ends up with a only divorce in prospect, do tell your mom: it's true that even in Islam itself, divorce isn't the first choice, but if when something that cannot be solved continues to harm her mental state and consequently her physical state (from being mentally tired all of the time), then divorce it is. There's a reason why, even in Islamic rulings, there are lots of rulings about divorce. There's the normal divorce that we hear people do most if the time, there's khulu' and there's fasakh. This shows that divorce is allowed and it is not something wrong to do. Who cares what people in the society would say? They're living their life and you're living yours rightfully. As long as you're doing nothing wrong, it doesn't matter what others think.

As for the things that have happened in the past between you and your mother, I know she probably won't hold any grudges for it, but it would be best to apologise to her about it. Explain to her that you didn't know what you were doing at the time, how you couldn't tell right from wrong yet back then.

I really hope this helps and I'll pray that your problems will be eased. In surah Al-Shahr, the 94th surah, it is repeated twice that, "With hardship, comes ease."

Love,
The Advice Column Team