The Advice Column II

398

Advice Request
This person wants advice on how to get over a crush.

Answered Submission
Hello!

Firstly, you are not and never will be bothering us. If you ever need help or advice on anything, we are here to help you, so please don't think that you are bothering us. That's not the case at all. 

Congratulations on making it to globals with the play! That's awesome news. Well done!

I know it's tough seeing the person you like as frequently as you are having to see him. You may feel like there is no way of getting over him at the moment, but something I will suggest is to use what he is saying and how he is making you feel as a barrier between your head and your heart. What he has said isn't true, believe me. Emotions aren't easy to control, and everyone moves on from people at different paces. The fact that his saying these things makes you feel depressed means you could use that as a starting point to try to move on from him. You don't want to be with someone if they are essentially going to disregard your feelings and emotions, right?

I would also say that, although it may seem like the easier option to avoid him at things like your church dance, doing that clearly hasn't made you feel any better. Don't actively set out to avoid him, but rather talk to him when you can—if you can. And if it turns out that you're both in the same place but you don't see him or hang out with him, then that's fine too. Just don't tell yourself that you're going to avoid him for the duration of whatever it is that you're at because you'll constantly be on high alert. That way, he'd always be on your mind, and getting him off your mind is something you want to do. Avoiding him might seem like a good thing to do, and in some cases it is, but since you're seeing each other regularly, avoiding him won't work for you—especially since you've already tried it and it made you feel worse.

It's good that you're considering, realising, and accepting that he might not like you in the way that you want him to. This is a good place to start. I know how painful it is (I've had my fair share of one-sided feelings), but with time, it does get easier. I know this might seem like a harsh way to go about it (especially for your feelings), but something that you could remind yourself of and ask yourself is: if he doesn't like me the same way, why am I wasting so much of my time, energy, and feelings on someone who won't return them?

Your heart will start listening to your head eventually. As long as your head stays in control of the situation, then your heart will catch up soon.

So to answer your question, what do you do? You carry on as normal, obviously. You see him regularly, so you have to at least be friendly with him when you're around him. Carry on like this. Yes, it will be tough, but if you suddenly start acting weird, stop speaking to him, and avoid him at all costs, then things will get awkward. At such an important time (you're going to globals!), awkwardness is not an option.

The pain will ease with time. The more you focus on other things and don't let your feelings for him take over, the pain will eventually subside. There is no definite way to stop the pain. It's going to hurt—of course it is—but it will get easier and become less painful.

You've already started the healing process by accepting that he won't like you back in the way that you want him to. Again, the healing will take time, but as long as you take care of yourself (the same way you would if you needed to allow a wound to heal), then you will be fine.

I think that if you remind yourself occasionally—especially if you feel your heart taking over—that he doesn't like you in that way, you will eventually get over him. Again, this is going to take time and will be difficult since you do see him every week, but you'll get there; your feelings for him will start to die down.

I'll be honest because it's needed here: you might not get over him completely. You might always have a small part of you that will still like him as more than a friend, but that part will only be small. You'll definitely be able to control and manage it and still find happiness with someone else in the future. Trust me, I've been there, and I have a friend who is living proof that it can happen, but she's happy with someone else now.

You'll survive seeing him the same way that you have been doing so already, except this time, focus on the play and karate and enjoy them even more than you did before. Remind yourself of his feelings towards you, and remind yourself of how some of the things he has said regarding emotions made you feel. Focus on the other things you love: your writing, music, and having fun. Enjoy the feeling of going to globals because you don't want to look back on this moment and regret not enjoying it as much because you were too busy focusing on your feelings for your crush.

Like I've said, your heart will listen to your head soon enough. These things take time along with a refocusing of energy. You've certainly got both; you can refocus your energy on anything and everything except for him whilst still being around him.

I know it hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.

With love,

The Advice Column Team