The Advice Column II

356

Advice Request

This person is becoming distant from their friends.

Answered Submission

Hey, Hon!

First of all, we are so glad that you made the right decision in getting help the moment your problems seemed to overwhelm you.

I'm going to start off by addressing what seems to be the main problem to me: your fear of being alone. Let me tell you right here, the only thing that's getting in the way of you conquering that fear is yourself; that's probably because you have clung on to this fear like a safety blanket and are not used to the idea of ever putting yourself in a social position. I need you to realize something: you are no less of a person or can be any less happy without your friends unless you choose to be. You have the potential to be happy alone, but only if you can come to accept that there is nothing abnormal with that.

Second thing you need to know: while you may love your friends deeply, and they may love you in return, you cannot force them to love each other. If they do not want to be each other's friends, then you cannot force them to be. I know that this is a tough pill to swallow, but at the end of the day, they are their own people, and the conscious decisions they make are the ones that they will have to deal with—not you. And believe it or not, it is possible to continue being friends with them without you all being a group! It will take a bit of effort, but if you are already going through the efforts of bringing them together, then it shouldn't be much of an issue for you.

As for the educational problem: this is something that you really have to look inside yourself for. To do that, you have to weigh out all the options, which is what I really want to stress for you. While it seems pretty clear to me that you're leaning towards staying with your friends, I just, again, want to make sure you see all the benefits on both ends. You need to start out by asking yourself how serious of a priority you consider your education to be. You need to realize that this decision to go to a really good school in another country or staying behind might be the decision of a lifetime. Sure, you might get homesick, and it'll be tough for the first two weeks or so, but you would adjust, and, believe it or not, make new friends. That's not to say that you should abandon the ones you have right now because, if you get the feeling they are the type of people who will last with you for the rest of your life, then never let them go. On the other hand, it might be difficult to adjust to the other country, considering cultural differences and the fact that you have no idea what life is like there. Plus, you might have to get used to a host family and their rules and traditions, or you might have to stay at a boarding school. Either way, this decision is multi-faceted for sure and will be no cake walk to make.

And then an opposite question for you: how big of a priority do your friends have in your life? I know you mentioned that you have one friend who seems like she is the kind who will last, so I want you to ask her a question. I want you to sit her down and seriously ask her two things. First of all, if she was in your place, would she take the opportunity? Make sure she understands you're asking that as if she were really YOU—the way you think, the way you look at things a very certain way, etc. Secondly, is she willing to make the effort to maintain your friendship if you leave, just as I know you will? Based off of her answers, the decision should become at least slightly easier.

Unfortunately, I am not able to make this decision for you. That would be extremely unfair to abuse the trust you have placed in me by swaying you to what I would do. Instead, I hope I've laid out to you every possible facet of either decision and helped you understand what to do in your friend situation a bit more. I wish you the best, Hon, and good luck in whatever you choose to chase after.

Sending you our love,

The Advice Column Team