Bungo stray dogs One Shots

Fyogol - A waste of time

The whole thing was just dragging along. They were not even moving forward an inch! Fyodor just sighed. "Remind me why I'm here again".

"Because you love me!", Gogol threw his hands in the air and looking with a wide grin towards his boyfriend.

"Remind me why I love you again", the tired rat asked.

"Because I'm lovely and you extended your grace to such a lowly being like me~!", the clown leaned back a gave Fyodor a peck on the cheek. Said one did not ask for one but he would forgive this lowly one this time.

This was seriously a waste of time. In the whole process he could have done so much more! Drinking tea with classic music, playing the cello or even just getting on the nerves of the detective agency! This was truly not befitting for a god-like being!

Fyodor closed his eyes once again to calm himself. Otherwise he would have ripped his boyfriend in half once again. This time it was even worse than Gogol getting all rat plushies he could find and filling Fyodor's whole room with it. Then to top it off his boyfriend himself got into a rat onesie. The rat onesie was cute but the plushies went to far! This was mocking a god! How could people not accept his grace?!

Not only Gogol did some of his little pranks, Dazai from the assembling of sinners, or detective agency, did also do his best. At least once a week Fyodor would find conditioner in the weirdest of places he went to to complete his plan. They all had notes with many hearts and beautiful handwriting. On them you could find jokes like "Your hair has more fat than a deep fryer uwu" or "Are you not CONDITIONE(R)D to wash your hair?". Things like these really did ruin the mood of the rat greatly.

As a comeback Fyodor would just send letters addressed towards Dazai. They contained things like "Hope you're not alive to read this, otherwise your dream failed again~" or "You would look better if you were fully covered with bandages ;)".

Gogol however said that this was not really a prank. So as a true boyfriend he got Fyodor his revenge. How did he do this? He trained some dogs. Exactly 69 dogs, don't ask how he even got those. And then he gave some a new home within Yokohama or just put them in a nice neighborhood where some kind people would feed them. Not really evil you say? The twist was that every single dog was trained to be completely obsessed with Dazai Osamu. When this man would even move in the sight of one of those dogs they would run over to him. They would bark and follow him until they collapsed from exhaustion. A terrible torture for the dog hating agency member. And a plus point was that he would never truly know if Fyodor was behind all this.

Gogol could be an idiot. A giant one. So much that he would die for his beloved freedom and the plan of his boyfriend. Though inside the harmless looking clown there was a beast. There was something dark. He may did not enjoy killing but for that he was extremely clever and good in it. He had terrifying ideas for pranks and should never be taken lightly. Whoever underestimates him would be ultimately at a loss. That was even clearer since he was Fyodor's lover.

Still the idiocy was a bit much at times. For example now. When he wasted some. Really. Precious. Time. "Maybe I should make you pay with the time you spend with me. I am god-like after all", Fyodor suggested.

"With what should I pay you with? My booodyyy~~", the fair haired male suggested while winking and leaning a bit towards Fyodor, "Do you want to do some crime and punishment?". The smirk only grew wider.

The flirt could have been good. Even though Gogol spoke mostly in memes and stupid jokes he could be flirty and serious at times. And these times he was really hot in Fyodor's opinion. Not that he would ever tell him. It was smooth. It was suggestive. It COULD have worked. If it weren't for them being in the McDonalds drive through since Gogol carved a happy meal.

"We are in a drive through. Say that when we are in bed. But. Not. Here", the black haired male sighed and rubbed his temples, "Why do you even carve a happy meal? You are a grown man!".

"Maybe because I'm chronically unhappy? My life is sad, I feel trapped, the only sunshine I have is you. I sometimes don't know how to laugh. Everything feels fake and I'm the puppet in the unfair play of the world!"

"And a happy meal would change that?"

"There's happy in it", Gogol grinned stupidly. Well, a happy idiot with a happy meal is better than a sad idiot.

"Welcome to McDonalds, what can I get you?", an annoyed and overworked voice came from the speakers they finally reached. The poor peasant seemed to be overworked by the high disgusting beasts in society. She should be thankful to Fyodor that he planned to get rid of those insects.

"One happy meal and a black coffee!", Gogol sounded probably happier than all the happiness of all employees in the store together. Better for them. An angry Gogol was a terrifying sight.

Now they were back to moving slower than a snail. Great. At least Fyodor would get a coffee. If there was even a drop of milk or sugar in it he would make the peasants suffer. As well would he do that if Gogol was even the slightest bit disappointed. How could they insult his boyfriend?! It was a clear crime that should be punished.

"I love you and all but this is taking too long. How can you be such an idiot?", Fyodor sighed once again.

"Awwww~", Gogol leaned in to give his cute boyfriend a kiss.

"We are in a drive through. Eyes on the road you clown", Fyodor really was in a bad mood. He could have played the cello! He could have cuddled with his boyfriends but now they sat apart in different seats! Gogol even remarked it as five feet but just because it was some peasant entertainment video he liked to watch.

Humans truly were such simple minded creatures. They could be happy from simple cat videos or even just petting a creature that had a lower IQ than them. They would read useless information for hours and try to catch a person that would never even look at them. They would kill each other and then be devasted by what they have done. Truly you know the consequences of killing. Not estimating all of it is your own fault. Your guilt has been decided the moment you have done it.

Truly insignificant creatures. Not that Fyodor would feel a fluttering in his chest whenever he felt Gogol looking at him dreamy. Never.

They finally reached the end. Gogol lowered the black tinted glass of the car. The cashier was surprised to say at least. One guy with blonde hair which was pretty rare in Japan. He had an eyepatch and his clothes looked like those of a clown. The other one looked like he hadn't showered for days.

"One happy meal for him and a coffee for me!", Gogol took the bag and the coffee while smiling and at in the meantime raising the window again.

"You really like to play with peoples expectations?", Fyodor sighed even though the expression of the lowly cashier truly was worth it.

"Well, it is funny. And you're in a better mood now!", Gogol said while handing the black bitter brew to his boyfriend and laughing.

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Only two chapters of Fyogol? Hold my beer! Well I really don't know if I got their characters right but I put some more god complex into Fyodor (as you probably noticed). Only one more to go! It will seem like a second for you though xD