Bungo stray dogs One Shots

Suegiku - No way back

Sometimes life can act as a bottomless pit. Then there is only a dark unknown in front of you. You cannot see the ground and the height. Everything is uncertain and nothing clear. Do you take the jump? Is someone pushing you?

Sometimes life can be a ginormous river. A river you have to cross. A current taking everything that is too slow and too weak. Do you take the risk? Are you forced to cross the dangerous path?

Sometimes life can be a pain filled with obstacles that you think are not to cross. That you thing are inevitable your doom. That crossing the river isn't worth it after all you have gained. Sometimes you will want to return to the past, to the known and safe path.

However once in a while it happens. You stumble, are focused on something else. You trip into the hole, the pit and you don't know when it will reach it's end. It will feel scary losing all control. It will feel scary not knowing when it will end. It will feel scary because it is unknown. But does that mean it's not worth it?

Definitely not. The feeling of freedom. The endless falling that seems like flying, no gravitation holding you down. You lose your common sense. You laugh. You cry. You scream. The feeling of falling is incredible, wonderful, beautiful.

Many people who fell – fell in love – do it over and over again. They get a rush out of it. Again and again and again. But there are those who fear. Not everyone lands slowly, feelings slowly fading. Some people it the ground. Everybody knows. And the impact will press all air out of their lungs. The impact will shatter their bones, their whole being. It will feel like there is nothing left to heal and that falling and leaving the top was not worth it.

But even if you impact you can still heal. There is still something. It's stupid to think that a little impact would eradicate your whole existence. It's just a jump, a high feeling – not a whole change of self. At least that was what Jōno believed.

The white haired male was falling as well right now. For him it was not the best experience. He liked standing on top of things and being in control. Not losing everything to that feeling that he had never felt before.

It happened suddenly. Very suddenly. Jōno couldn't really name a time when it started. It was as if there were small pebbles lined up in his way. Small pebbles like Suehiro's laugh. Small pebbles like Suehiro's good will. The pebbles made Jōno trip over and over again. He could stop himself falling once or twice. However it was inevitable. Before he could stop it he stumbled right into the hole. The falling pit. The endless feeling.

And falling was scary. Jōno couldn't see the ground. Couldn't see at all. Nothing to hear. Nothing. Was there an end to it? He did not know. He never fell before. How should he know the impact. Of course he could still heal but he wanted to prepare for the pain as well.

So after all this experience, this long fall, would he cross the river? Would he take the dangerous path without even seeing the length of his way? He knew the current, knew the wind, knew the weather, the cold. He knew what Suehiro found funny, what Suehiro disliked about Jōno and what he honored about his colleague.

But did he know the exact length? Did he know what Suehiro thought about him? He knew that Suehiro was never embarrassed. Jōno never heard blood rushing through the other ones cheeks as Suehiro looked at his white haired colleague.

Much different from Jōno who would catch himself thinking about Suehiro from time to time. Who would listen to Suehiro's heartbeat for comfort and to check if he was ok. Who complained about the other ones endless training even though he liked the way Suehiro gave his all for others. And maybe because his sweat wasn't so stinky as he always complained about. Not that Jōno would admit that.

He even fell for Suehiro's weird habit. It had something cute hearing the other male struggling to find same colored food to combine. It was especially ridiculous since Jōno himself never understood why since he wasn't able to perceive colors. Wasn't it the food and the taste that mattered? Why only take the red gummies when you can have pineapple? Teruko was always disgusted at his choices but at least he wasn't blinded by the color like she was.

Trying to recover information while falling was not very effective. You are always distracted by your own feelings so that you never really see if the other person feels the same. You are always seeing the other person as perfect - their flaws perfecting them even more – that you do not see yourself as worthy for them.

Especially Jōno felt this way. He had a sadistic nature. His ways of negotiating were... special. He liked seeing his enemies squirming in agony. He loved hearing others heartbeats tremble in fear as he outwitted them. He was in no way morally perfect. He did things for his own enjoyment – even saving others was not for the sake of saving but for his own enjoyment. For feeling the joy of saving others not for really saving them in particular.

So would he cross the river? Would he change sides and risk falling in? Would he change his relationship with Suehiro just because of a small chance? A chance that was very unlikely with him being not worth Suehiro? Would he cross everything for the uncertain without being forced to do so? Would he just risk everything like that?

Suehiro was a weirdo. A nice and precious one but a weirdo. He was hard to predict and hardly lying. Unless he had eaten ones pudding on accident then he was too embarrassed to admit it at first. He liked things that others wouldn't. He did things for others without being thanked. He had a good heart und strong beliefs. He had confidence and he would not just go along with something on a whim. So why not?

Why not cross the river? Only because Jōno could lose something? He knew that Suehiro wouldn't ignore him or ignore him. Their relationship would change. He could hit the bottom of this never ending falling or he could find someone to enjoy this feeling with. Even if he gets rejected, life goes on. Everything will still be intact even if Jōno's heart was not. And this endless state of falling for someone was seriously distracting.

Should he not confess because he was not worthy of that weirdo? Whatever. Jōno might not be perfect but that didn't mean he had no right at all. That didn't mean he couldn't shoot his shot. Just giving up because of ones nature? Pfft. Jōno only thought of those things as lame excuses.

Jōno would try and cross this river. Without experience and without much requirements. Without information. Why would he not be considered worthy of love? Everyone is. And if you fail you can always fall again. You just have to get up again. Try. And if you can't get up by yourself then accept help. Getting help from someone after crashing into the ground wasn't something shameful or uncommon. Every wounds need treatment be it physical or psychological.

Confessing seemed like a big step. A giant river you have to cross into the uncertain. You may not always have the perfect experience and requirements but you can try. Even if the way is hard. If you can kick someone's gut and are part of the hunting dogs then confessing should be an easy task.

Jōno heard the door klick. Someone was coming in. Someone he had invited to end this long struggling monologue.

"You wanted to talk to me Jōno?", Suehiro asked confused as he stepped into the room

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YAY monologues are back cause I love them lol... Sorry if it's weird I haven't had enough sleep yet because I watched movies with some of my friends for the whole night. Well if I hadn't procrastinated so much I wouldn't always release my chapters last minute but whatever xD At least I'm updating I guess uwu

This was requested by  @Fyohoe (or at least that's one comment I saw)