Bungo stray dogs One Shots

Kunikatai - Pain

Someone died. Not due to age or anything. But through a grenade. A grenade they pulled out themselves.

This, someone, wasn't someone Kunikida knew yet he wanted to cry. Wanted to scream. Wanted... He didn't know it himself.

It wasn't some new case. It was only the memory of the little girl looking into his eyes. Pulling the string. She was so young and he didn't even know her name. At times this memory would haunt him.

He would want to cry and scream then. He wanted to let out this frustration this anger that he couldn't stop it. That he, the adult couldn't convince her otherwise.

It wasn't just a matter of his ideal. He had failed as a human being, not only his ideal. He had failed to save this girl, this wonderful individual.

He couldn't imagine it, which pain did she go through? When her body was indulged with flames and bursts into thousand pieces? Did she feel regret? Did she wish to be saved? Did she cry in pain but her voice was swallowed by the explosion?

Kunikida felt sick as he slightly curled into a ball in the bedroom. Usually, he would never do that. Usually, he would keep his back in an ideal position. Would try to have the ideal sleeping method.

But he had woken up still having this image in his head. He felt like he would scream or cry and lose his mind if he wouldn't curl up now. As if his warmth, the small space he occupied would comfort him. As if by simply reducing the space he was in, he could reduce the space he wasted...

One breath. He took one big breath to calm down. One big breath to slowly, very slowly reduce all the emotions inside him. But just like you can't control a tornado, taking care of your raging emotions was quite a difficult task...

And as the idealist quietly had his small breakdown from his haunting nightmare Katai entered the room. Katai actually planned to walk in very quietly to not wake Kunikida up and more importantly not to get scolded for going to bed so late. At such an unideal time. We won't talk about the time now that would be just rudely exposing him.

And just as he stepped in he immediately saw that something was wrong. Not a difficult task if your husband always has the same sleeping pose every day and now he's suddenly curled up? Even though he always scolds Katai for playing games with his back so hunched that you could use his back as a table.

For one-second Katai panicked and even looked around until realizing: 'Wait I'm his husband. I know him for more than 10 years. I should be able to solve this matter. He did panic so much he thought he couldn't help Kunikida himself with his pack of anxiety.

Plus Katai could already guess what the problem was. He wasn't a genius like Dazai. He wouldn't dare to compare himself with those people. He was more at the bottom of society, not even able to talk normally with others. But Katai could help those he knew. Those he trusted. He could at least guess what was wrong with his husband, the man he had been with the longest.

The issue was probably about the issue with the rat. The rat tried to break Kunikida by sacrificing a little girl. One of the cruelest actions that showed how strong and dependable Kunikida really was. Because he couldn't be manipulated but had to be broken. So once again like the nights before Katai walked towards Kunikida and sat beside the man who acted so unusual.

"It wasn't your fault", Katai quietly said while slowly petting Kunikida who was still inside the bedsheets. His voice didn't crack and he said those words quiet but firmly. Because there was no fault, nothing to be unsure about those words. Because it was the truth.

"I could have-", Kunikida started while slowly getting up. His voice was shaking. Not due to sadness but the emotion leading it seemed to be anger. Anger was directed at the idealist himself.

"It wasn't your fault you didn't-"

"I DIDN'T HELP HER! Yet here I am Katai, in the middle of the night blaming myself! Being miserable even though she must have suffered more! Can you imagine how painful it must be to have a grenade exploding next to you?! She must have screamed! Yet here I am feeling miserable even though I couldn't help her!", Kunikida snapped. He usually never got angry without a reason yet here he was bathing in self-hatred. It broke Katai seeing the one he loved shattered due to his ideals...

Very quietly Katai hugged Kunikida. Not this kind of watery awkward hug where you are too awkward and forget how to hug the whole time. But one where you firmly HUG the person. Hold them tight and show your emotions through that.

Katai cleared his throat a little. He felt like his voice would crack otherwise at the sight of his lover who was usually so strong sitting broken in front of him. He squeezed a little bit tighter.

"Just because... Just because there are people who get shot doesn't make you hurt yourself any less valid. Just because there are people who have worse relationships doesn't justify you having to endure a mildly abusive relationship. Just because there are people who are suffering more than you are doesn't mean you should stay strong. Everyone's pain tolerance is different after all", Katai quietly said to Kunikida and then jokingly added: "Good thing because torturers would have a boring life then...".

The both of them chuckled. "Dazai and Yosano would probably be very bored", Kunikida joked.

Katai pulled back from the hug and looked at Kunikida again: "You're not weak when you cry but strong that you openly display your feelings. You're not stupid when you judge your pain as strong because no one else can feel it. You're not less valid than anyone else. Because you're unique. Irreplaceable. Look at me I can't even talk to strangers properly yet you don't say it's my fault. We all walk at our own pace. You can slow down if it's too fast".

Kunikida blinked a few times. He shook his head in disbelief and looked at his friend who said those words. He wanted to believe him but... "Isn't it ideal to be strong?", Kunikida asked.

"Nobody is flawless. Even the ones who are the most flawless will probably get shot at one point. Failing and getting up is something human. It's not about being strong because if you destroy something strongly it will shatter. It's ideal to heal not to never break. Because that's a ridiculous demand", Katai smiled and gave Kunikida a peck on the cheek.

Kunikida smiled at his friend, his lover. Sometimes he felt like Katai was the smarter, more ideal one of the two of them. Because even with all his problems he would still try to drag Kunikida out of a slump if he could. Because he knew what everyone was going through.

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Ahhhhhh... I really don't know if this was good but whatever! Broken Kunikida let's goooo! Angst goes to kinda fluff, how weird. Normally it's the different way around...

Thank you for reading, I will continue writing now (I won't repeat myself for this chapter hahahah sorryyyyy maybe next one again uwu)