For every "pep" talk my dad gives me, the worse I feel.
He keeps insisting I start writing now, that I don't get my own temporary job to earn money, I still don't know how to drive, thinks I want another PC as a late BDay gift.
The route I want to go to publish books involves money, money I don't have and can't get. I have no goddam way to be independent. I know dam well he won't like the fact a majority of my stories involve queer main characters.
And I want to actually meet people before I get famous. I'm an adult and I have NEVER been able to make my own friends other than kids in a trailer park when I was a tween, I've never dated aside from one or two people on here. I've barely had room to grow mentally or emotionally, and it's like my dad equates me developing my art while dealing with my family's sh!t while trying to read is me growing.
It's not. I don't know how to handle my emotions as much and only so recently started forcing myself not to care about drama.
I don't know how to handle talking to people. Like, I get panic attacks if I can't find my mom in the store within 10 seconds.
I am reliant on my parents for everything. I can't even buy something for $5 without permission! I can't even go to the library, as an adult, without permission! Hel, I couldn't even get a library card because they need SOMETHING to confirm my identity for it, and there was nothing to provide, not even any goddam mail.
I get prices are sh!t these days, but ffs, this is getting to be too much.
And him constantly insisting I do 3D animation, that I DON'T get a temporary job, that I ask HIM to help me publish my book, not really letting me have any room to meet people my age on my own, it all feels like he's keeping me dependent on him despite saying he wants me to be independent.
I never even wanted to do animation. I do not see myself siting at a screen for hours upon hours, even days, practically drawing the same thing again and again only with slight tweaks.
Especially 3D. NEVER showed any goddam interest in doing 3D! I was only ever interested in 2D! Now he insists we get me a new 3D program, a PC for that program, and a goddam 3D printer despite those not only being fuking expensive, but the materials to make 3D stuff with, to keep it clean, to paint the finished 3D sculpt, etc would also amount to a LOT of money.
And nothing I can do about it, of course.
Even I say something, it'll be forgotten within a week or rarely brought up. That's how sh!t has always worked, to the point where I've used it to my advantage to get around being grounded and such. Like, there are things I'm technically not officially ungrounded from because of how much my parents, especially my dad, forget crap.
Tired of having no independence. WP is the closest thing I have to independence, and I know dam well that if my dad found out it would be bye-bye for my time on here. That's how sh!t things are.
Not like my mom's much better. All kids are at school now, and she won't do crap to help me learn how to drive.
And the lack of independence also means my parents get to ramble on about their own issues, money or relationship wise, and I'm too scared to walk away from it or have my own say. That's how bad my situation is. That's how bad I feel.
Parents shouldn't be venting their relationship issues on their kids. My mom even vents about my dad being upset with her for not giving him a message with "a happy ending" (Legit what she told me before).
They've been doing so since as long as I can remember.
Hel, can it be considered a form of sexual abuse to be talking to your kids about your and your spouse's sex life, especially when your kid's underage?
Like, bad enough my dad has yelled about their sex life during their fights, but my mom straight up has ranted about her issues before about her and my dad. That sh!t's probably partially why I've had very NSFW bad dreams about my mom when I think about it.
All this BS is really making me realize how emotionally and mentally abused I am, how long it has been going on.
I can't help but think of my past as a single-digit-age child and think "How the fuk was that my life?"
It makes me worry if my childhood was even real or if I have some repressed memories or some crap.
Great, now I'm having an identity crisis.
This is why I hate my dad's pep-talks. It makes me feel nothing but crap, worthless. People on here can say the opposite is true, but actions speak louder than words and I've gone through too many goddam actions for the words of internet strangers to help much.
I'm getting scared that I'm falling down a deeper hole and there's nothing I can do. I can't even contact anyone in my family to help me. Everyone is either in a whole other state, dealing with their own crap, or already dealing with kids. And there's always the chance they could say something to my parents and then my parents question me.
If I can't do crap but sit on my super-glued hands, what even is the point of being alive? I'm not even living. My heart is beating, air enters and exits my lungs, blood flows through my veins and would flow out if I got wounded. But I'm not living. And I have no way to actually ensure I live. It's gotten to the point where I'm emotionally and mentally dependent too. I'm SCARED of being on my own. I'm scared of something as small as the idea of going to the store on my own. I can't even join a weird arts group my mom says I should join because of this. Because all I've ever known, all I will probably ever know, is being dependent, and being scared of how my dad will react.
I'm at my wits end. At this point, it feels like it's just books keeping me grounded, the idea of continuing series I haven't gotten to finish, starting series I found interesting. But even that's starting to slowly lose its grip on me. Even talking to people on here has started losing its grip. And I'm scared what will happen when I lose those entirely.
It doesn't even feel okay to physically cry anymore. It just hurts. It feels pointless.
If it doesn't even feel okay to cry anymore, will anything feel okay?
Can't even get therapy, even if I could afford it. I'm stuck, like with titanium superglue. It all's starting to feel worthless.
