Law And Order: SVU One Shots

I Still Love You

I'm so sorry if this sucks... I had an idea but I have no idea if I managed to get that idea written down and in this one-shot.

He sat quietly in the cold metal chair and kept his eyes focused on his hands. He watched as his wedding band shined in the ugly yellow light in a church's basement.

"Are you okay?" A soft voice questioned. Elliot lifted his eyes from his ring before seeing that all the chairs in the circle were emptied, and all the other people were standing near the coffee pots and food.

"Uh, yeah... I'm fine." Elliot spoke gruffly, before he stood slowly and ran his hands over his faded blue jeans.

"Is this your first meeting?" The woman asked, as she gave him a kind smile.

"I-it is..." Elliot breathed.

"It gets easier... I'm Olivia. I know that you didn't hear my share because you were zoned out. But I was the exact same way during my first few meetings."

"Do I have to talk during these? Like, will you guys kick me out if I don't share and barely listen?" Elliot asked weakly.

"We are here to support each other. And when you are ready to share, I will be here to listen. I'm also on the phone tree... right there." Olivia smiled, as she ran her finger over the list that Elliot had picked up, before pointing at her name.

"Thanks, Olivia... I gotta get going." Elliot spoke. He quickly and awkwardly waved at her before moving from the circle of chairs. 

Elliot made it out into the hall before he leaned against the wall and a loud sob left his body. He thought that he was ready to talk about what happened, but he didn't know if he'd ever be ready.

///

Elliot skipped the next few meetings, before finally going back after he had a mental breakdown at home and said something to his mother that he never wanted to say.

"I'll share." Olivia spoke, as she lifted her hand up as the door opened. She smiled softly when she saw Elliot walk into the room. He quickly walked to an empty chair, before looking down at his hands.

"Go ahead then, Liv."

Olivia looked down at her hands for a moment before lifting her eyes and sighing softly.

"I keep remembering the last time I said that I loved him... I keep remembering the moment his hand went limp in mine. It was like my heart died when his stopped beating... I was with Brian for twenty years. We started dating our freshman year of college and got married as soon as we graduated. I spent my whole life with him, and as soon as the doctor told me he had truly passed, I felt alone." Olivia frowned, as she looked at Elliot. He had finally looked away from his hands and up at Olivia.

"Do you have kids?" Elliot asked weakly. Those in the group weren't supposed to interrupt, but everyone let Elliot speak because he never talked.

"I do. I have four kids... they miss their father so much... but it's been two years. We are all getting through this, and we will always still love him." Olivia replied gently.

"Can I share?" Elliot asked nervously, and Olivia nodded.

"Go ahead."

"My wife killed herself. She had postpartum depression... our youngest is five months old and he wasn't planned. It was almost like our surprise baby that should have been an amazing addition to our family... just ended up making things more difficult... just like right now. I'm sorry." Elliot breathed, before standing quickly and moving out of the door again.

Olivia followed him this time, and she grabbed his hand before he could run up the stairs.

"Elliot, I know that you are going through a lot right now. And having your wife die so suddenly and at her own hands must have been incredibly hard and painful... but everything will be okay. You will make it through this, and we all are here to help you." Olivia breathed. Elliot turned around and looked at her as tears streamed down his cheeks.

"My kids don't understand why their mother decided to kill herself. My two eldest daughters know what is happening and are beyond heartbroken, but the younger three really don't."

"We can help you with that too." Olivia breathed gently. Elliot nodded slowly before looking down at where Olivia's hand was still holding his shaking hand.

"Can we go have coffee or something? Talk some more?"

"Of course. I just need to grab my purse and we can go and talk."

///

Elliot told Olivia everything he could think of. He told her about his wife, Kathy. How they had been deeply in love, and then everything faded when their youngest son came into the picture. He told her about his four older children, and how they tried to help out around the house and with the baby, but that no one could really move past Kathy's death and get back to their lives.

"It takes awhile, Elliot. You just can't expect to be back to your normal self just weeks after Kathy took her own life." Olivia spoke softly, as she mixed more sugar into her coffee.

"How long did it take you to get out of bed after your husband passed?"

"I didn't leave my house for a month straight. My baby sitter took the kids to and from school, and then would go and buy groceries for me and stuff." 

"How'd your husband die, anyway?" Elliot asked weakly.

"Leukemia. He fought it for eight years. He went into remission for about a month, and then it came back again and in full force... Elliot-"

"Why does this happen? Because I still love my wife... and I have always loved her. I hate that God took her from me... from us... when we needed her the most."

"Things just happen, Elliot. There is nothing we can do to stop it. And I know that you said that you didn't realize Kathy was really depressed until you found her note, but you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened."

"But I do. If I hadn't-"

"Let me ask you a question."

"Olivia-"

"Do you hate your baby?" 

"What?" Elliot breathed, as his face grew red and he dropped his eyes to the steaming mug of coffee in his hands.

"Do you hate your son? It is a hard question to ask, and I know it will be even harder for you to answer. But you need to answer it... if not for yourself, but for your children."