Thomas Sanders Sides OneShots 4

I don't want to die - Logan x Patton & Roman x Virgil

12:29am

Trigger warning: mention of suicide

Who wants to live foreevERRRRRR

Au
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Logan didn't know what he expected after death. He knew it would be an escape - take him away from the pain burnt inside of him that would last forever, a permanent scar he couldn't fix, he just wanted to be happy, happy without knowing it would go away again, for he can be happy, with his friends, but when he's alone, or away from them in general, he can feel himself slipping back into his depressive hole.

He always hated talking about himself, he didn't want to be centre of attention, he wanted everyone around him to believe he was okay, and didn't need to be asked. He had reached that point, in the end, but was it really worth it? Lying to the only people that cared about him? Because now it hurt Logan more than anything else, knowing he lied straight to their faces, kept himself hidden, his true self to himself, without the intention to let it go.

He felt selfish, now, and regretted what he had done. If he knew they would've helped him, and not shunned him away, or become annoyed, he would have told them in a heart beat. But he was worried, scared- nay, terrified, he couldn't lose them, and he knew they liked his usual facade, so he never wanted it to go, because how would he know if they still liked the man underneath? Being alone was such a horrible feeling, he refused to go through it again.

When he did take his life after things had become too much - he didn't think he would wake up again. He wasn't alive, he knew that, he knew that the moment he sat up in that hospital bed. He had stared at himself for so long, gazing intently at every little detail, truly realising he wasn't as...horrific looking as his brain always told him. When he had walked home, it felt like everything moved by him in a rush, walking through his apartment, he felt cold, it was so empty, so unloving, he wondered how he ever survived. Well, he didn't in the end, huh?

Leaving his house, he found himself outside of his boyfriend's home. He stared at the door for awhile, wondering why Patton ever wanted to stay with a man like himself - he was such a bubbly, loving, adorable man, and he decided to date a stoic, emotionless, damaged one? It would confuse logan forevermore. Phasing through the doorway, he stood in the entrance to the living room, watching his boyfriend on the couch, curled up between their two friends, Roman and Virgil, who looked equally as upset as the other, but Patton, his dear Patton, looked distraught, his sobs bouncing off the walls, echoing around him, forcing him to watch, and stare at the man he loved, the man he hurt so much.

Freedom came with a cost, didn't it? Now he could be happy, but everyone who made him happy beforehand were sad, and would be for quite some time.

Logan stepped forward, his hands landed on Patton's body, he could feel the fabric of his cardigan on his palms, but however much he gripped, Patton couldn't feel it, and he felt like he couldn't push Patton's body at all, like it was a wall, unmoving.

He knelt down and cupped Patton's face. "I'm sorry" he whispered, but his voice couldn't be heard.

"I hurt you" Logan carried on, anyway. "And I'm sorry"

After a moment he dropped his hands along with his head, intensely staring down at the carpet. What had he done? He hurt his friends because he was selfish.

And suddenly, he didn't want to die anymore.

In a flash, he was back in the hospital room, hugging his lifeless body, whispering pleas and begs over and over, asking to come back, pleading whatever deity was out there to give him a second chance.