Thomas Sanders Sides OneShots 4

You did it again - No ship

1:29am

—

It feels weird, almost. To smile, to laugh. It comes with a horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach. In the moment, it feels normal, it feels like all your worries flood out the window to allow you this moment of peace. Afterwards, once you calmed down, and the laughter has passed, you don't feel happy anymore, you feel the smile sitting on your face to fall until it's nothing more than a curve facing the opposite way to what it was a few seconds prior.

And after, you wonder if it was worth it. That moment of happiness midst the rest. Staring at the people around you, knowing they don't feel the same as you. Knowing they could laugh a few minutes later again, but for you, it's forced, for a split second, right in the beginning, it's real, but the more you laugh, the more you want to stop - but how weird would that be?

You don't find it funny. You don't find a lot funny. Some days you don't feel the energy to smile. Some days you want to punch the next person who speaks - some days, if someone asks you one more time if you're okay, you will lose it.

But in the end, you won't. You'll keep it together, you'll compose yourself, smile, and lie.

I am okay. Because you are okay. To the world, you are okay. But to yourself; you don't know what you are. Are you upset? Are you overdramatic? Do you just want attention? But, that would be odd, right? For when you gain attention, you want it to burn in the pits of hell and return back to the shadows, never wanting the spotlight on you again.

So; what could it be? Is it nothing? Is it something? You think it's nothing. It could be something; but then you'll be overreacting, you won't be able to deal with it yourself, people around you will know, and you don't want that. The way you are treated helps you, but if they all know, they'll stop, they'll be cautious of what they say, and how you are. Because they don't want to lose you. But the more they do it, the more they already have.

You're normal, you want to be normal. Some people have got it worse; much worse. And now you're worried you're complaining - instant regret fills you as you make a slight incline to how you truly feel. Cover it up with lies, quick, you can't let people know. No one can know. It'll ruin everything.

You have happiness - cherish it in the moments you do not.

You love being alone - you can do this alone.

Because what you have, you think, is nothing too serious for therapy, or help, but nothing not-so serious to be ignored.

It's hard to ignore something that dictates some of your days. That morning, you don't know whether or not you'll be happy. And sometimes, you wake up joyous, you wake up early, you don't leave your friend waiting outside for a few minutes as you finish packing your bag for school, but on those days, on some of those days, your mood falls first lesson, and for hours you're stuck in this moment of unhappiness, of fake laughter, one worded replies, forced smiles.

You do your work, you day dream, anything to keep your mind from going blank.

Then you think about your sadness, and wonder if it will ever go away. Then it does,

and you wonder why you overrated in the first place.

Oh, hey look. You did it again.

—

1:42am