💫She's Different💫

Bella Deals With Grief

I walked downstairs to go check on my puppy Chase. He was super quiet.
"Hey Chasey!" He didn't smile or laugh or jump.
"Chase, what's wrong buddy?" I said. Chase hasn't been feeling like himself lately, he's been very sad and mopey. He won't eat anything, not even his favorite food.
"Get up Chasey, let's go play. He whined and I noticed something wrong with him. He had these weird sores on his back, they didn't look to good.
"MOMMY, something's wrong with Chase!" She came downstairs with her robe on and bent down.
"What are these sores? We need to take him to the vet."
"Is Chase going to be okay?" I asked sadly.
"He'll be okay, he's a very strong boy."
********
The Vet (Olivia's Perspective)
"I'm afraid Chase has bone cancer," The vet said.
"Is he going to be okay?" Noah asked. I could see him fighting the tears. He was trying to maintain a "tough man" image but Chase was his dog, they played around together a lot. He loved that dog.
"Is Chase going to die?"
"He has a very advanced stage of it, there's little that we can possibly do."
"But how could this happen, we didn't even notice a single thing."
"It usually isn't detected until it's too late."
"What you guys can do is try to make Chase as comfortable as you can." I gave my kids a hug as they both cried.
"I don't want him to die!"
"I'm so sorry guys." Chase whimpered and they went over to him.
"Poor doggy."
"Mom, I really don't want him to die." Bella said again.
"I know you don't but, he's going to be in a better place. Isn't that what you want?"
"I want him to be alive and happy." I've gone over the concept of death with Bella before and she totally understands what death is, but she believes that things should stay alive forever. Though she knows it isn't possible.
"This is better for him, you know if Chase stays alive he'll be in a lot of pain. Do you want that for him?"
"No, I want him to be happy." I looked over at the vet and he knew what I meant.
"Guys, can you step out for a moment?" My kids nodded and they went outside.
Flashback*
"Woof, Woof!" Chase jumped up and I gave him a a little scratch.
"Hey boy! Aren't you such a good boy?!"
"Mommy, Chase peed on the floor again."
"Woof!" We laughed and Noah came downstairs.
"Mom, why are you home so early?"
"A hello would be nice." He said hi and I ruffled his hair.
"My puppy!" Bella said. He licked her hand and she held his paw.
"Love puppy!"
End of Flashback*
*************
My Room (Bella's Perspective)
The house is very quiet without Chase. I just got home from therapy and I was expecting him to run up to me like he always does. But, he's in heaven playing with all of the dogs. Jana is here and I told her.
"Chase is dead?" I nodded and she gave me a hug.
"He was a really good boy."
"He was. I'm so sorry that happened Bella. I hope you feel better."
"Thank you." I blew my nose and my Mom came in.
"Do you guys want to get some ice cream?"
"I don't want anything." I said.
"It'll make you feel better. I promise."
"No," She gave me a kiss and a small hug.
"Wanna make something?"
"How about we make cookies Bella? It'll help you feel so much better." Jana said.
"Bell-Bell?" Mommy only ever does that when she wants me to be kind to other people.
"Okay, I'll try." We went downstairs and I sat down in the dining room huffing and puffing. I just want to be alone right now. For some reason Mom thought that inviting someone over would help, but it really isn't. I just feel like doggy doo-doo.
"Bella, grab some eggs for me hun."
"Sure." I gave them to Jana and she cracked them happily.
"Smile Bella. Just like this!" She turned my frown upside down and I didn't say anything.
"Soo, how was school?"
"It was great Ms.Benson!"
"Doggy doo-doo."
"How come?"
"Tests. They're boring."
"Oh yeah! We had a math test! I heard Bella did good on it"
"Is that true? Bella, do you know your score?"
"95."
"Good job honey. I'm very proud." Jana sat next to me and stared into my eyes like a weirdo.
"You're so weird!" I said with a small laugh.
"She smiled Ms.Benson."
"That's a start."
*********
234 East 77th
"I love the Italian accents here." We were in the backyard and it was bigger than our house's. It was quite charming.
"Do you like it Bella?" Mommy had asked me.
"It's really pretty!"
"It's way bigger Mom, than our old house."
"It is sweet boy." Ryan told us about how easy it'd be to convert the house, and I have to say. It was a really beautiful house.
"Because you're a friend of a friend I'm willing to lower the price, also considering the fact that it's been through so many price reductions already."
"Kids, we're going to go inside and talk. Be civil for a moment please."
"Okay."
"Do you like this house a lot Bellz?"
"Yeah, I think it's cool." I did a back handspring and Noah looked at me.
"That was so sloppy, your legs were so off."
"I didn't ask for your opinion you idiot."
"Hey, I'm just telling ya. If you're such a gymnast you'd be better." I shoved him and he laughed at me again.
"Jeez, you shove hard!" I did a back tuck and Noah did a turn.
"Ewww, That was nasty. You looked terrible."
"You're one to talk."
"I actually take gymnastics unlike you. You can't even go a good cartwheel. Hmph!"
"You sound like a brat when you speak like that."
"Bleh!"
"You act like you're five years old Bella. You're 9."
"I can be a kid as long as I want to. You're very rude!"
*************
Basement Time With Bellz (Olivia's Perspective)
"Mommy, can I talk to you?"
"Of course, What is it?" I looked at my daughter and she started to speak quietly.
"Noah said that I act like I'm five these days, and he called me a brat. Do you think so too?" I took a deep breath and I caressed my daughter silently and she looked up at me.
"You're absolutely not a brat. So he's wrong, and he shouldn't have said that to you. But, you have been acting a bit childish. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's because you're grieving."
"Chase?"
"Yes, acting a bit more childish is helping you cope. People grieve in different ways. It's normal."
"I really want Chase back."
"I know honey. I'm really sorry about Chase."
"I miss him. It's so quiet in the house with him dead."
"I miss him too love." She got up and ran away. At least I know I tried. Poor girl is always running away from her feelings. No matter how much I tell her that it isn't healthy to do that, she still does.
"Feel better honey," I whispered.
"Mommy, I'm back. I really had to go." Oops...
"Oh, I thought you went to your room."
"Nope. You know Mom, I feel like things will never be the same. Like it'll change everything."
"Sometimes, it just takes a while to get back to normal." I said with finger parentheses.
"It doesn't happen right away. It'll take days, months, or even years...Just to get back to the swing of things. It took me a while."
"You had a dog that died too?" She asked.
"No, but I did have someone who was related to me die." I smiled a sad smile as my daughter went under the blanket to seek warmth. I watched her silently as she looked around, waiting for me to say something. I wiped the chocolate that was on her face from the cookie she had previously eaten and wrapped my arms around her once again.
"I'll tell you."
"Okay."
***********
Basement (Bella's Perspective)
"I'm going to tell you now because I think you're old enough to hear some of the situation. Okay?"
"Sure Mom."
"A long, long time ago. Before I even got Noah my mother died."
"My grandma?"
"Yes, she would've been your grandma."
"How?"
"Well, she fell down some stairs."
"Do you know how it happened Mom?"
"It isn't age appropriate but you know, I felt so sad and so empty. I felt so much grief. I remembered all the fights that I've had with her and I felt terrible. But, I knew that she wouldn't want me to sit and be sad inside all day, she'd want me to do what I loved."
"What is that?"
"Working at SVU. So, I put all of that negative energy into that and look at where I am, look at where we are." I smiled and itched my face.
"Your face itchy from all of that sweating?"
"Yeah."
"After we're done take a shower. But, my point is, it's that it's okay to be sad. But, it's good to put that energy somewhere else. You know?"
"Like in dance?"
"Exactly." I gave Mommy a hug and she gave me a kiss.
"It's okay to be sad. But, you have to know when to start to move on, Mom isn't saying to do that right now, but I just want you to know that. Okay?"
"Got it Mom."