13th Doctor x reader (3rd book)

Struggle

Warning: talks about depression

You'd been spending the last few days in your bed, just staring at the wall and thinking. It was like before, when you refused to get out of your room and just laid there, feeling numb. Except this time you were gradually starting to eat more. And the pain and guilt was starting to make its way to the surface. And it hurt, a lot.

The doctor had had a few conversations with you about what had happened. Firstly about how you shouldn't have wandered off into a planet without at least fist telling her. She gave you a lecture about if something had had happened and how she wouldn't have had any way to have known about it.

And secondly about you going around and sleeping with random aliens. You tried to explain how she didn't force you into doing anything and how you were an adult who could make their own decisions. Then she kept hitting you with how it hurt Missy by doing that and you could feel your chest start to ache in guilt and regret.

And of course, she'd asked if you were being safe and used protection. You sure as hell did this time round. You weren't gonna risk anything. Even if she was a woman and you couldn't exactly end up pregnant, you were still going to be careful every time from now on.

The fear of being pregnant should have left you by now. The test had come up as negative. But you still felt slightly worried. Missy has raised valid points. About how your period hadn't started. And it still hadn't started. You were silently praying for it to just start anytime soon.

You sighed heavily, looking at the wall with great intensity. You'd been feeling much more down recently. You just felt a constant guilt, hurt and hate. The self hatred was really building. You felt selfish. So, so selfish. You didn't even think about Missy.

Not to mention all of the memories that kept flashing before your eyes. Every night you'd barely slept. You tried to keep awake, too scared of the nightmares awaiting you. You were trying hard to block them out but you found yourself panicking sometimes. The fear inside you was like a dread wrapping itself around your heart and squeezing every sense of safety out of you.

And then the voices...oh how the voices taunted you. You hadn't seen Missy in a while. You'd barely seen anyone recently. But those voices kept bickering away in your head. And it was getting more and more difficult to ignore them. More difficult to stay strong. To be the strong one. Like you had to be since you were young. It was hard to keep all that up when in reality you weren't that person. You wanted to give into the voices. You wanted to crumble and fall and finally let these walls that were cracking down. You just wanted some peace.

And knowing there was a very sharp glass shard under the bed you were laying on didn't help.

And then there were the occasional days where you felt the all too familiar numbness. The days where you didn't feel anything at all. These were the days where the reason you didn't get out of your room wasn't because of your fear or your anger or your self hate, but because you couldn't find the motivation. Where you found no point in it. And when you stopped eating.

The doctor knew when you were having one of these days. You'd been more receptive to eating, though anyone could see your saddened face. You felt so guilt about what you did to Missy and how selfish you were. But she knew when you refused to eat what was going on.

She hated it when you refused to get out of bed. You hadn't gotten out of your room once. Not since the club. You knew she was worried. Especially when you didn't eat or talk. You'd barely spoken. And sometimes you'd end up throwing up everything you ate anyways.

Your eyes were stinging slightly from the loss of sleep. You were mentally drained and physically just withering away. The voices were echoing throughout your head and you were starting to get used to the headaches they caused. You just hated yourself for what you'd done. Done to yourself and done to hurt Missy. You just didn't think.

You heard the door open but didn't move from your spot lying on the bed. You heard footsteps coming closer as they sat on the edge of the bed. You saw that it was the doctor and the look of concern was evident on her face. You didn't do anything though. You could hardly move from the emotional daggers in your chest.

She sighed, placing a hand on your arm which caused you to flinch as memories of being beaten flashed through your eyes. You didn't fight her though. You couldn't fight against her anyways. You'd learnt to just give up and accept your fate.

"How are you feeling?" The doctors soft voice asked.

You didn't reply nor respond to her. You just lay there, staring at the wall as you tried to hold down the fear. You didn't like it when people got so close to you. It scared you to think what they could do.

The doctor sighed "I don't like it when you just stay in your room all day. You don't even talk anymore" she said.

You didn't say anything back. You didn't even know what to say. What did she expect from you? You felt like crap and as if everything was your fault. Even the people who were good to you you still manage to hurt.

"(Y/n)..." the doctor hesitated before continuing "the signs you're showing...they're common signs of..clinical depression. You know that right?" She spoke quietly.

You just couldn't respond. You didn't have the energy. You couldn't stop all your thoughts and it was running out of control. You were scared of what they would lead to.

The doctor sighed again sadly "come on. I've called a meeting with everyone. We're gonna talk about this"