13th Doctor x reader (3rd book)

Loss

Warning: goes into depth about miscarriages and child loss here so please read with caution

You didn't know what to say to her. In a way you had nothing to say. You just blurted out a huge secret and now, like always, you were trying to drink away your problems.

She walked over to you, not saying a word. You were kind of glad she wasn't saying anything. You didn't want to be forced to speak or say anything you didn't want to. You guessed Missy knew that.

She sat down on one of the chairs next to you, gently wrapping an arm around you. You still couldn't believe you were able to make contact with her. You weren't able to do so with so many people for so many years. And yet you didn't even flinch when Missy made contact. In fact, you found yourself leaning into the touch, resting your head on her shoulder.

She wrapped her other arm around you, embracing you softly. You wished you were able to appreciate this more. But you had so much on your mind. But one thing you knew was that she deserved to know. And she was the only person you were able to speak to about this. You hadn't been able to say it out loud...maybe you could try with her.

You swallowed thickly, taking a shaky breath before reaching into your pocket. You pulled out something incredibly dear to you, and you handed it to Missy, both of you holding it from one side.

"It's the last scan I had done before..." you trailed off, not able to continue.

You shook your head, biting your lip before taking a swing at the alcohol, wincing and scrunching you're face at the taste, letting the burn help you.

"My baby boy" you whispered "I was so excited to meet him..and..to hold him" you smiled sadly.

Missy squeezed your a little at that, planting a soft kiss on the side of your forehead. You felt heart hurting and your throat start to clog up with emotion.

"There were only two months left. Everything was going to well...it was all so normal. And I was happy..." You told her, my voice wobbling as you felt a small sob erupt from the back of your throat "but...I ended up bleeding really badly one day..."

Missy knew where this was going, and she tightened her grip on you. Your lips were wobbling and you stared at the print out of the scan, your throat feeling like it was closing up on you as though you couldn't breathe. You felt your hand shaking slightly as you reached up and took a swing of the drink, wincing badly as you struggled to get it down, coughing slightly.

"I had a miscarriage.." you managed to get out "they tried to..to do an emergency..c section but..." you shook your head, "he didn't make it.."

"I'm so sorry.." Missy whispered.

You placed a hand on your face, sobs coming out of your mouth. And the worst part was that your eyes were completely dry. You didn't shed a single tear through all of this. You were so destroyed it hurt..it physically hurt so much.

"The doctors said.." you sniffled, taking the scan back "I..it was just..one of those h..horrible things..." you got out between small gasps for air, your heart hurting so much through grief and loss.

"It wasn't anyone's fault" Missy said gently "he's safe in heaven now. Your son's safe"

"It was just a stupid mistake at first...I didn't think. I was just being reckless with some guy for a one night thing..." you stopped when realising how much you were lying.

It was just so natural almost for you now. You were so used to just lying and not saying anything about Jason. You knew that if you told her about how Jason reacted to this she would freak. You didn't want any more drama. You couldn't deal with anymore of that, not anymore. You just wanted your life to slow down for a moment.

"It wasn't a mistake" Missy said gently "you didn't do anything wrong okay"

"I know...I wanted him Missy." You whispered "I loved him so much. Even if he did wake me up in the middle of the night with his small kicks" you closed your eyes in pain, your chest feeling like it was so heavy you were carrying a while building on it.

Missy kisses your head gently, squeezing you slightly, her warm embrace enveloping around you.

"I hadn't even picked a name for him yet...I had to rush for one for the burial..." you wobbled out, your voice cracking with emotion "I named him Henry. And i..it was the first time I actually cried...real tears.."

"It's a beautiful name" Missy whispered "Henry"

"Or Harry for short" your face crumpled as you sobbed quietly, no matter how much you swallowed the lump in your throat wouldn't go away "everyone leaves..." you whispered in pain.

"No, that's not true!" Missy said sternly "I'm not leaving you ever again do you hear me. It wasn't supposed to happen..if I'd have known.."

You shook your head, too tired for this conversation. You hadn't been sleeping for days. Not properly anyways. You needed pills. Which were then taken off you once you started to try and overdose on them. You were just mentally and physically so tired. This grief was pushing you down like you had never experienced before. Maybe with your mother and sister but it had been so many years since that you almost forgot what that felt like. Either way this felt so..horrible.

"Everyone I love always disappears Missy. My mother, my sister..my father? Even with the little amount of love I had for him. A..and now m..my own son. Who hadn't even..come I.into this world yet..." you shook your head, sobbing horribly now, unable to keep it all in.

"Well you're not going to lose me" Missy said confidently, lifting your chin so you were forced to look into those familiar eyes "I'm not going anywhere. And I love you, so much"

She leaned forward and captured your lips with hers, kissing you softly. You couldn't help but kiss back, desperately needing this affection.