13th Doctor x reader (3rd book)

Drink

Warning: references to child loss etc

It was dead silent, everyone staring at you in shock. You only just realised how you blurted that out. You hadn't said it out loud in...a long time. This wasn't the way you wanted them to find out. You weren't even sure if you wanted them to know at all. This was personal...more than personal. It was...too much.

"I'm sorry.." the doctor said quietly, making you shake your head.

"That's what everyone says doctor" your voice was wobbling horrendously "but sorry won't bring my baby back.." you looked away, shaking your head.

"I didn't know.." the doctor whispered "you shouldn't jump because of this though (y/n). You use this to..make yourself stronger. You live for them"

"Don't give me that!" You snapped angrily "what is the point of living when nothing, nothing that ever happens from now on in my life will ever make up for losing..." you couldn't even finish the sentence, your voice clogging up and your chest hurting "not even you can make up for it doctor. Every star in the universe every planet..." you shook your head "it won't make up for it...it won't even come close.."

The room fell into silence again and you had to force yourself not to sob. You were all too used to crying now. It had drained you. Mentally and physically. You just couldn't carry on like this. There was no point.

"If you hadn't left me...or even if you'd just come back for me..none of this would happened" you whispered.

"We were supposed to bring you back" Missy mumbled before clenching her jaw "I swear doctor if you can't pilot your own shop then don't fly it!" She shouted, glaring at the blonde.

You shook your head, your head hurting so much. You hated it when people shouted. You had heard so much of it over the past two years. Maybe because it was your fault. Sometimes the shouting was to you directly and sometimes it was about you.

"Don't shout" you whispered, placing a hand on your forehead "I can't deal with anymore shouting I don't have the energy"

"I'm so sorry you have to believe me I never meant for this to happen..." the doctor tried to walk towards you, holding her hands out.

She trailed off when she saw you flinch back and move away from her. Her arms were open like she wanted to hug you. You couldn't even do a hand shake anymore...you didn't even want to think about a hug. The thought itself made your heart clench in fear and anxiety.

"You look tired. Maybe you should get some sleep, you look like you need it?" Missy said, looking at you sympathetically.

You could see everyone else looking down in upset and pity. You hated it. It made you feel worse. Every time you thought about it it just made you feel bad. And that darkness within you made you feel like there was no point in any of this. And it was a thought that often popped up. And one which only one think seemed to be able to take your mind off even for a few seconds.

"What I need is a drink" you mumbled in response before turning around "I think I remember the way"

"You don't need a drink (y/n)" the doctor tried to call out for you.

"You don't know what I need!" You shouted back, clenching your jaw and walking out.

You heard them all break out into shouting and arguments as soon as you left. Well, mainly the doctor and Missy. The others seemed to just be muttering about everything that just happened.

You made your way down the TARDIS corridors, letting your fingers slowly run down the sides. Every time you left this place it felt like forever since you had been back.

You missed this place so much. You had made so many memories here. It hurt you so much not being able to stay. To know that the doctor tricked you. Left you behind even though she knew exactly what it would do to you. What it always did to you.

You made your way to the kitchen, before grabbing one of the chairs and standing on it. You remembered one time when playing never have I ever that Ryan picked them up from the top shelf where you couldn't see. You remembered everything that happened on this ship. It hurt that Missy was the one who asked to leave you.

You grabbed a bottle of tequila, knowing that something strong was what you needed to help. You opened it and sat down before drinking straight from the bottle, wincing and scrunching your face at the taste, forcing yourself to get it down.

The familiar burning sensation while it went down your throat was a good distraction. It helped to take your mind off what happened.

You got lost in your thoughts. The last phone call you had while travelling with these guys was from Jason. He told you he was sick of being responsible for protection. And he was being serious. Only once you got the pill it was too late. You had already fallen pregnant.

You didn't want to abort. No matter the circumstances, whatever happened, you wanted to have this baby. You wanted to raise this baby, and you hoped you could mend with it, have a chance to be happy. You kept the scan. You always kept the scan. Even now, you had it on you.

You took another sip of the drink, forcing it down and wincing as it burnt. You lost everything dear to you. A chance for a family. You were already planning on being an amazing mother. While you were scared you were so..excited. And happy.

And then someone up there had to take that from you. Happiness. An innocent life...

You took a larger swing at the drink, your hand shaking now while you felt your walls starting to break down, your lips wobbling. You heard footsteps coming your way. You were getting ready to tell the doctor to fuck off when you looked over and realised it was Missy who was standing there.