13th Doctor x reader (3rd book)

Concern

You hadn't slept. You couldn't. Maybe you did for a bit or maybe it was some messed up flashback you had as soon as your eyes closed. But it led to you screaming and refusing to go back to sleep. The doctor had come in and although you refused to let her touch you, she soothes you enough so that you were calm enough to make it look like you went back to sleep. You didn't in reality. You just didn't want the doctor to worry.

She'd often come into your room when you'd have a nightmare, to wake you up and calm you down. It was either her or the others before they gone home, excluding Missy. You had no idea where the hell she had been but you didn't care anymore. You'd given up on her. She didn't want you around and you had to deal with it. You knew from the beginning you were a burden to her.

That didn't mean you didn't miss her. You missed being able to have her comfort you not only emotionally but also physically. You wanted a hug. You just wanted her to hold you and wrap you in her warmth. Something you could never do with anyone else without freaking out. And the no contact issue was definitely getting worse with all the flashbacks and nightmares.

You missed her so much though. It was weird enough just sleeping in your own room and not hers. And you missed snuggling up to her at night. The bed seemed way too cold for your liking without her there. Maybe that was what was keeping you awake also? You didn't know.

You also felt a lot of guilt about what you'd done. Forgetting everything with Seris which was a feeling of guilt and regret you couldn't even explain. There was the fact that you smoked yesterday. You promised yourself you wouldn't do that again. You couldn't believe how easily you gave in.

You lay in your bed, feeling hurt and angered at yourself. And the worst part was how desperate you were for another smoke. You knew you were addicted to nicotine. It was awful for your health. And it got out of hand quickly. That was why you quit.

Unlike alcohol, you physically found it difficult to stay away from the cigarettes. You could go without alcohol, albeit with difficulty and frustration, but smoking was a little more difficult. It was the first thing you used to cope with everything, except for the knives. You'd struggled and finally had quit for good. And now you had to go mess it up again and make the problem come back. You could feel the urge to just have another smoke already.

You heard someone enter the room and you looked up to see the doctor there. She saw the foetal position you were in with your hands covering your ears and your body shaking ever so slightly and came quickly to your side.

"(Y/n)?" She looked at you in concern, attempting to hold your hands and take them away from your face.

You only pulled away from her more, your heart rate spiking at her actions as fear struck you. You shook your head, backing away from her quickly, scrunching into a tighter ball and gripping the hair around your ears tightly.

"Don't touch me" you whispered desperately, trying to get your breathing under control.

The doctor quickly raised her hands at seeing your reaction, backing away slightly.

"Okay" she said softly.

She slowly took steps towards you, sitting on the edge of the bed. You couldn't help but feel like absolute crap and buried your face into the pillows, your lower lip trembling.

"I..I need a smoke..." you trembled softly as you spoke into the pillows.

Your voice was muffled but the doctor heard you with her hearing.

"It's okay" the doctor assured you, looking at you with concern.

"No it's not..." you brought your head back up, looking at the doctor "I..I went seven months clean. I..I quit for good...b..but I just screwed it up again" your voice wobbled as you spoke "just like I screw up..everything else in my life.."