13th Doctor x reader (3rd book)

Graves

You took in a deep breath of the familiar air, taking another breath out. It was weird to think about the air being different on earth. But it was...it was just..home. This was a familiar place, a planet which was truly yours, even if it wasn't always kind to you.

You took a small step forward, holding onto Missy's hand, looking around. It seemed like a cloudy day today, perhaps not raining but definitely cold. You liked the refreshing air. It was good to feel again and cool you down. You were glad to be here again...as strange as that sounded. Sometimes you thought you'd never come back...and sometimes you were perfectly fine with that. It was a strange feeling to so strongly both hate and love a single place.

You glanced at the graveyard, taking in a deep breath. It had been a long while since you had visited them...too long. And now you understood why. It took courage and something deep within you to go up to them again. To get past your utter grief and heartbreak to simply stand in front of them. See, with every single one of these deaths...you were blamed to be the cause by at least one person, if not yourself.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Missy asked softly, squeezing your hand reassuringly.

You shook your head in response, feeling sadness rise up inside you. It hurt to do this, but at the same time you really needed it. It was the closest you could get to each of your family members.

"No, I want to do this alone. I say some personal things you see and...well...I don't know I just can't have anyone else here.." you whispered, looking down a little "I'm always alone when it comes to visiting their graves"

"You don't need to explain to us (y/n)" the doctor said kindly, making you look over at her with a grateful smile "we understand"

"Yeah. I definitely understand" Graham smiled, making you nod your head in acknowledgment of his own loss, Grace... "we'll just stand here for you"

You nodded your head and looked on before finally letting go of Missy's hand, taking a few steps towards the graveyard. It was so painful doing this...and scary. The truth was you hadn't even been to your own sons grave yet. You just...couldn't face it. Plus you had way too many mental issues going on at the time. You couldn't even get up out of your bed.

Your shoes clicked the ground as you walked towards it, gulping down your nerves. You wished they were still with you...all of them. You would t have to deal with any of this...they didn't deserve to die. You hated how they were all deemed as accidents in their reports. Accidents...they were your family. You never truly got justice...

You stood in front of the three graves, the ones which meant everything to you. Your beloved mother, your happy and kind sister, and now your own son. You heard out a sad sigh, feeling your lips tug down. You could hardly control yourself when looking at their graves, especially your child's.

"You know, I can't even shed a single tear for all three of you. Even if they wouldn't bring you bad I still feel bad about it..." you said softly before your lips started to wobble "I...always tend to find it hard though when looking at your graves, and remembering the times when you were right here with me. I want to cry...I want to scream. It hurts...you not being here. You were all here once...even if I barely got time with you. And that's the thing...I've learnt just how precious time is with the people I love" you said softly.

You looked up into the air, watching the clouds for a few moments while contemplating your words. But that was the thing, no amount of words could sum up the amount of pain in your chest right now. The grief came in waves...sometimes it was hardly there, and sometimes...it was like having the whole world on your shoulders.

"I just want you to know how much I love you all. And if I could...I would change everything in a heartbeat. The laws of time and space are shit..." you clenched your jaw before sighing heavily "oh and if you're wondering why I'm suddenly speaking like this again...well the doctor and the TARDIS came back for me...again. I know what you would say mummy, you'd be in two minds about all of this. You'd say she doesn't deserve me after all the times she's left me heartbroken and with no hope. But at the same time you'd be really happy about finding her again and encourage me to go see the universe and save people. I guess sometimes I'm in two minds two...but I've just realised that everything she does for me is to protect me and keep me safe" you smiled.

You sighed a little, frowning a little at the next words you were going to say. You just wanted to hug your mother...to tell your sister everything would be okay and to hold your baby.

"You know sometimes I think that...the only reason I feel the need to save so many people if because...I couldn't save you." You licked your lips before looking down sadly at that, blinking your eyes while swallowing thickly "I just miss you all so much..." you whispered, closing your eyes while your head bowed in defeat, your fists finally unclenching as you let it sink in.

If you closed your eyes and just let the world drown out...for a moment you could swear you could feel their presence with you right there...standing with you and watching over. You could feel the hand of your mother's on your shoulder comfortingly.

The worst part was you knew it wasn't real...it was all in your head. They weren't really there. It was a struggle of whether it hurt more knowing that or a comfort knowing that you got a few moments with them now and again...even if it wasn't real...