13th Doctor x reader (3rd book)

Loss

"I'm so sorry" Cobi's mother looked at you sadly, staring at you with such sad eyes, a hand reaching over naturally to comfort you.

Your heart rate suddenly picked up, making you move back, scampering away from her. You didn't want to be touched, you didn't want to make contact. You physically couldn't..it hurt your heart even thinking about it. Fear and panic wracked through you. You just couldn't do it...it felt like the walls were about to close in on you, the breath leaving your lungs and your chest tightening uncomfortably.

You were afraid...afraid of being hurt again. You couldn't be hurt..you had to protect yourself from that. And the only way was to run away from any type of contact. You knew it was bad to think like that, to always be running away and in constant fear and paranoia. It lost your trust amongst basically everyone. But you couldn't help it. Sometimes it felt like you were about to pass out. The doctors had told you that if you kept on having panic attacks like you did...it could be bad on your heart. You may not have been able to take the strain. In other words, it could end up being fatal.

"I'm sorry" Cobi's mother quickly said, bringing her hands up to show you that she was no threat and she wouldn't touch you "I simply forgot you can't be touched by anyone..well other than Missy that is. I'm sorry, please, calm down I won't do anything" she told you, trying to calm you down.

You took a deep breath and nodded your head at that, running a hand through your hair. You slowly loosened your muscles up, to finally stop being so tense. You let your hands go from their fists, trying to concentrate and get them to stop shaking. You would have been lying if you said you weren't completely afraid right now. But you were just trying to calm yourself down enough to be able to sit properly and listen to what she was saying. Sometimes you really hated yourself for not being able to do the simplest of things, like hold someone's hand...for having such bad anxiety. It hurt you inside knowing you couldn't have what others had. A simple hug...you couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry I just...I have bad anxiety" you mumbled to her, looking down at your lap "and ptsd. That's what the doctors say anyways" you told her.

"It's okay. We all have our struggles and fears. Some of us more than others" She told you in a sympathetic tone.

"The doctor was helping me with this. I just...I didn't even get enough time with her before all of this mess happened" you sighed heavily, feeling emotion wrack through you "it's been horrible...it only got worse these past two years"

"This is when you lost your child?" She asked you quietly, making you freeze slightly, staring at your lap, not knowing what to say or how to react "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so forward, but you should know that I know exactly what it feels like. I know the pain you are going through. A loss of a child is like nothing else. Sometimes it feels like you can't even get through it"

You just swallowed down the lump in your throat, trying hard to keep it all together. You didn't want to cry. You couldn't cry...not ever. You knew that crying literally did nothing. It wouldn't bring back anyone you had lost over the years, no matter how much you did. You just had to take the pain and move on because life wouldn't wait for you. And it wouldn't give you second chances.

You felt stupid for crying on the day you lost your son. You felt like you were crying whole oceans, yet he never came back. No one you lost ever came back. Because the world was cruel like that. You just couldn't give it the satisfaction of giving up so easily. So no, you weren't going to cry. There was no worth in it anyways. You were pretty sure it wouldn't make you feel better anyways.

"The doctor left me on earth. It was...to keep my safe from the planet we were on at the time. It was really dangerous apparently, more dangerous than anything else we had faced before, that's why it didn't even matter that I had been around dangerous people and in dangerous situations before. Both the doctor and Missy wanted me safe and away from that place. Just until they sorted things out there. Enough to be able to bring me back" you started to explain to her, staring at your lap while your voice shook slightly.

"It took two years to sort out what was going on on that planet?" She asked you in surprise, a concerned and sad look on her face.

"No. It barely took them an hour. Besides she's got a time machine they can come back whenever they want. Two seconds after they dropped me off" you told her "but the doctor...messed up. Again...it took her two years by accident. She skipped ahead and during that time..I fell pregnant and had a miscarriage. I lost my son" you whispered the last part, your voice cracking under the emotion.

"I'm so sorry" she whispered in return, a sob escaping your lips "I know that pain you're going through right now. But trust me when I say you'll get through this. Especially if you have those you love around you. They help...a lot." She told you.

"I know. I'm doing a lot better..especially with the doctor and Missy and the others around. But I have moments where...I just feel so much grief and loss" you whispered to her "but it's a lot better than before. Before I couldn't even get out of bed. I didn't talk eat sleep anything. I'm doing better" you told her more confidently, nodding your head at her "I'm doing better..."