13th Doctor x reader (3rd book)

Mental debate

The doctor smiled in response while Missy slowly looked down at you with a concerned look a small small sigh. Missy ran a hand through your hair and kissed your forehead softly, sending calmness through you.

"Of course she can come along" the doctor replied, making you instantly smile in response.

You felt a little more comfortable now knowing Missy would be by your side the whole time. It just made you feel calmer and more...comfortable in a way. Or just reassured. You always felt calmer when Missy was in your presence.

"Okay" you whispered before nodding your head "let's do this then"

The doctor smiled and Missy held your hand reassuringly. Before you both started to follow the doctor out of the main console room and down the infinitely long and maze like corridors you'd come to know and love. Two years without these rooms...it felt like forever. Like the first time she left...for nine years.

You couldn't help but sigh a little at that, looking forward at the doctor. You trusted her. You did as she said and she never came back.

You couldn't blame her entirely though. Missy...as much as you hated to say it..she was to blame too, if not more. She was the one who asked the doctor to take you back.

To think that it was only a few minutes, maybe half an hour at most since they'd last seen the twenty five year old you and then the twenty seven year old you now...was hard to comprehend. In a way..it hurt even more than last time. Even though it was less years round this time. But instead...it was Missy.

You missed her the Missy. Your heart yearned for her. You needed her with you, especially during those hard times at home with..everything that was going on.

Your siblings tried to comfort you through a lot but it was difficult when you were no longer even able to let them make contact with you. Joanna was heartbroken. Especially after seeing you get comfortable with her with the doctors help before.

You guessed that was the reason you were doing these therapy sessions again with the doctor. Because you needed to do that again. You needed to be able to make contact. And because you knew she could help you. She'd done it in the past...all you needed was for the same thing to happen again.

Only...you weren't sure if you were brave enough. You knew this was going to have to pull a lot of courage and bravery out of you. You really didn't know if you had it in you anymore. Maybe it had all been beaten out of you. Literally...and metaphorically with everything in life and losing someone you thought would need you forever. Someone you wanted to live for and be the best you could be for.

Even now you felt the need to want to cry because of this...But you never did. Not after you cried your heart out the first day. You practically cried all day, feeling pain like you'd never felt before. It was awful. Like your whole heart was ripped out of your chest and even the it itself felt heavy and almost suffocated you while you're trying to breathe.

You understood Missy only wanted to keep you safe when taking you home. But you couldn't help but still feel annoyed and upset that she asked the doctor to do that. Granted she didn't actually know about everything that was going on at home. But she knew your insecurities when it came to being left alone again.

You couldn't help but think it was kind of your fault though. All of this. Maybe if you'd told Missy what was going on...she wouldn't have sent you there. She'd have known it was worse for you there! In fact, you knew for a fact she would never have sent you back. Erm if you were about to die surrounded by those daleks which were apparently even worse than Cybermen.

But she didn't...

None of them knew about what was happening. About Jason...about anything he did to you. It wasn't their fault they thought you'd have been safe at home. It was yours...

But could you tell them? That was the question you had to keep asking yourself. You didn't know how they'd react. Maybe they'd think it was all your fault that you were in this mess. That was what he said to you all the time anyways.

Or maybe Missy would have been mad at you. That you didn't tell her that you had a 'boyfriend', or a pathetic excuse for one anyways. Especially when you two were dating.

And then of course both the doctor and Missy would be angry at Jason. You really didn't want them to kill him. But you were genuinely afraid they might do that if you told them everything that happened when it came to him, explaining why you really couldn't touch anybody or why you were always afraid or where the scars came from and how.

And then of course you didn't even know if you could bring yourself to tell them it all. And telling them everything would have them stuck sitting listening to me for....too long. It would feel like it'd never stop. You really didn't want to have to go through that mentally and emotionally. Reliving it... you always tried not to think about it.

But then again...he was the reason for everything. For all of this. All of your difficulties and challenges. All of the trauma. Sometimes you couldn't even sleep.

"(Y/n)" you snapped out of your thoughts when hearing the doctor call your name, blinking a few times before looking around.

You were in the very room you used to do these therapy sessions in before. You were back...starting from square one all over again.

But you would get stronger. You had to...