13th Doctor x reader (3rd book)

Sleep

Warning: there's some upsetting themes here, child loss and references to self harm.

You were changing into some night clothes in Missy's room, getting ready for some sleep. Though you weren't entirely sure if you'd be able to sleep. Not really...

The thing was, Missy was now in the shower, and everyone else was probably fast asleep. And right now you were all alone. Alone with your thoughts...which you knew from experience, was a very dangerous place and situation to be in.

You couldn't help but think...think about everything. About what you had been through today, about your past, about that therapy session. Everything...and it really got your emotions running.

You sighed, running a hand through your hair while pulling at the strands a little. You should have brought a pocket knife with you..

"(Y/n)?" You heard Missy call, making you take in a deep breath and look over at her.

She stared at you with concerned eyes before coming over to you slowly, to where you were sat at the edge of the bed. She slowly sat down next to you too, her arm coming to wrap around your wait. Her hair was still a little damp from the shower she just had. But you couldn't help to lean into her touch.

It still hurt you though sometimes. You weren't even able to hold your sibling's hands anymore. Your own family. Though you were a lot calmer with them being closer to you. Less panicked then when it came to other people.

"Hey" Missy whispered softly, looking at you while rubbing your arm a little, her touch sending warmth through you "what's wrong?" She asked.

You sighed in response before shrugging "what isn't" you replied, looking down at your fiddling hands, feeling your chest get heavy.

"Y'all to me my love" Missy gently asked, running a hand through your hair.

You shook your head a little before frowning "I'm just thinking...I can't hold anyone. I mean...I got over it and every time I think I've finally got through it...it just comes back again. My fears, my doubts. It took so much to keep calm in there right now with the doctor. And she didn't even touch me yet!" I said, sniffling a little.

"You'll get there again" Missy said gently "I believe in you. And you might not think so but you did so well today. And for as long as you need, while you can't hold anyone else, I'll be here for you okay. I'm at your disposal. Ever need a hug, I'm here. Or..anything else" she smiled "you have nothing to be upset about"

"Don't I?" You swallowed a little before sighing heavily "I was thinking about Allura. And how she seemed to happy with her family. And how she was so worried about her parents the whole time. And her parents were worried about her, their child" you started.

Missy nodded her head in response and understanding, nuzzling her head against yours a little. You took a shaky breath before closing your eyes.

"I don't have that...." You got out, feeling your lips wobble "I lost both my parents. And now...I even lost my child..."

Missy sighed a little at that, tightening her hold on you while she kissed the side of your head. You never knew how much this could hurt. Losing your parents and even your little sister...that pain you could never forget. But this was something different.

Knowing you'd carried that child, had him in your womb for months, growing and developing each day. And you looking forward to finally meeting him in person...All for it to be ripped away from you in a matter of moments...It hurt you more than you could even explain. You didn't even want to get back out of bed. You wanted to end it all...you just couldn't see the point in any of it.

You were alone...Your siblings always tried to be their for you. But there was hardly anything they could do when your mind was already buzzing from thought to thought and you couldn't even hear or take in what was going on around you. Even the cutting and self harm...it never seemed to rid you of the pain inside, no matter how strong it was outside.

"Listen to me" Missy said in a strong voice while her soft fingers came to touch your chin and turn your head so your eyes meet hers "I know you've lost a lot. But you're not alone"

"I know..." I whispered "it doesn't stop it from hurting though" 

"I know it doesn't" she said softly "you'll be surprised at how much I understand (y/n). And how much the doctor understands. We've both lost family. For a while we both thought we lost our whole planet. But you know what keeps you going. The people around you. And the love you get from them. While also a bit of thrill from what life throws at you. Maybe mess around and cause some mischief here and there" she laughed and you couldn't help but smile a little at that "come on, let's get some sleep yeah?" She suggested, looking at you.

You nodded your head in response before standing up with her, holding her hand in yours and squeezing it a little. You walked around and lifted up the covers, getting into the bed and your girlfriend following beside you.

She switched off the light and pulled the covers over you both, your arms immediately draping around her torso. She wrapped her arms around you while your rested your head against her chest. She pulled you close to her, and you closed your eyes in content while feeling soft kisses on your head.

You were so glad you had her with you. So glad you had everyone here with you. Being around people really helped. And around these people helped. Your friends, and your love. They were helping more than they all knew.

"I love you my angel" you whispered.

"I love you too my love" Missy whispered while you closed your eyes and were finally lulled to sleep.