My Diary

Entry 114

December 25, 2020
Friday
4:04 A.M.

Hello, am I really still up at 4 in the morning? Yes I am. I still have a hard time sleeping at night although working has helped me with my sleep a little. Then again, I think I only get so tired easily after working because I always only get like 3-4 hours of sleep at night at the most. I seriously think I might have a bad case of insomnia or something. Who knows? Anyway, it's technically the 25th so Merry Christmas to those who celebrate Christmas out there. I personally don't care for Christmas or any holiday in that matter, but that's not shocking at all. I kind of just don't care about a lot of things, not even myself. But since it is Christmas, my older brother came down to visit last night. Obviously, I told him I got a job because that's what he wanted me to do and he said he's proud of me for that. I explained how my mom's been helping me understand how to write and call out orders and that I've been getting better at it. For example, I explained that I didn't know what "hold" meant until my mom explained it to me. And of course, this is where my older brother starts to make fun of me. Because I didn't know what "hold" meant. Yeah, I'm stupid. I know. I guess most people would understand what that meant. But of course my older brother has to make fun of me whenever he can. He's such a jackass like that...only talking down on me and acting like he's better than anyone...and talking to him isn't any better. I tried talking to him about life in general and he was just like "Uh huh" or he didn't even reply. I'm a boring person, I know, but that still hurt. I was proud of myself for one time and he just has to find a way to remind me about how stupid I am. I mean I've already felt that while working at times, but still...I guess I'll always appear as worthless to him no matter what I do. I don't know...why does he always have to talk down on me every time I speak to him? He wouldn't like it if I talked to him that way. Like I know he loves me deep down yet he's still such an asshole to me. And he does it on purpose to provoke a reaction from me, I swear. Because every time I end up snapping at him, he says I'm acting like a baby and that I need to act more like an adult. He's mean to me yet is surprised I end snapping at him? Not a chance. He's a smart person, I really do think he does it on purpose. I know I shouldn't let his words bother me and I should just do me but it's really hard...can't he just stop being such a jackass for one day? Is that so hard?