My Diary

Entry 154

May 15, 2023
4:43 A.M.
Monday

Hey everybody. I'm here. I guess I just wanted to update a little bit more. I'll be honest: I feel bad that I don't update as much as I used to. Not that anyone still reads these entries, but I remember when writing these used to help me cope with my emotions and all. But nowadays, it doesn't do it for me anymore. I don't know how to cope with my emotions anymore. I'm at the point where whatever I think or say doesn't matter so I just keep my feelings to myself. It's not healthy, I know, I shouldn't be bottling up my emotions. But like I said, revealing how I feel doesn't matter to anyone. It'd just be wasting my breath. I know I should probably get some kind of mental help but at the same time, I don't feel comfortable to. My older brother is all like "What's the worst that can happen?" and it's like, I don't know how to explain it. I guess the best way to put it is I don't like being vulnerable in from of others and stating my feelings. Anytime I've been vulnerable in the past, I was taken advantaged of or was hurt in the process in someway. People love to feed on the vulnerable sadly. Now obviously, therapists or any kind of counselor shouldn't be like that, but it still doesn't make me any less uncomfortable. Saying it out loud, it sounds so dumb and it probably is but I don't know how else to explain it. Overall: I'm just so lost in life. Sometimes, I feel like it's impossible to get out this rut. Things are too expensive for me to get my own place so I'm stuck with my grandparents who keep telling me they don't mind me but are clearly at the same time trying to get rid of me. Like it's fine they don't want me around. I get it, I just hate the two faced nature. Like my grandparents talk about me like I'm just a lost cause and I have no future (which they're most likely right about) but I think you get the point. Maybe if my older brother wasn't such an overachiever, they wouldn't be so hard on me because they expect me to be just like him or something. The problem with myself is I just don't know what I want. People ask me what I would like to do and I'm just like *shrugs arms* because I have no idea. I do write stories, but I don't see myself ever publishing them. I don't have the confidence. So remember how my grandparents and my older brother are forcing me to take a college class? Well, I've been told by others that I should take a writing class or an art class of some kind, or even a type of theater class as I did that in highschool. But I'm not sure. I might end up taking some writing class since I at least have interest in writing, and I'm always down to improve on my writing style and all but it just sucks that I'm being forced into this. It's one thing if this was my choice but it's not. I don't get to make choices. I have no freedom. I'm always stuck doing what everyone else wants. I know that's not going to make me happy, but being treated like shit and being told I don't amount to anything won't make me happy either. It's like no matter what, I'm unhappy. Anyway, back to college classes, I don't know what to do. If I'm going to do a college class, I'd like to be able to take a class that'd benefit me in the future at least. I've been told to do a business or finance class, but I'm completely uninterested in that. If I'm completely uninterested, I won't have the motivation to do it, and it just won't work out. I need to have interest of some kind is what I'm saying. Will a writing or an art class be beneficial to me? I don't want to get a useless degree and just waste my time. Also, I'm just so tired and burnt out from work. I can't do this shit anymore. A lot of times, I just want to cry or scream, or something...express myself in some way. But like I said, it's worthless. I haven't had a full on mental breakdown in a long time but it's only a matter of time I end up having another...