My Diary

Entry 27

May 12, 2019
10:27 P.M.
Sunday

So I hope y'all had a good Mother's Day. My mom was at work all day so that sucks. Even though she said she didn't have to go to work until 5 PM so we could hang out in the morning, she was at work all day. Why does she have to lie to me? First, she lies to me about seeing Avengers: Endgame with me and now this. Why doesn't she admit she doesn't want to hang out with me? Why does everyone have to continuously lie to me? This is why I don't trust anyone. I'm just tired of it. You know, when I was still at my granny's house, I told my mom I wanted to die and all she said was "It's just a phase". Yeah. It's just a phase that I want to kill myself. Okay then. And adding more people in the house does not help! And she knows that! And when I expressed my feelings and told her that I just want it to be just her and me, all she says is "Why? So you continue treating me like shit?" And she said the exact same thing when I was at my granny's house and I told her I don't want to live with Michelle and Laredo. But no. My opinions don't matter. And look where we are now. And I don't get why she thinks I treat her like shit. I really don't. I jokingly call her bitch sometimes, but other than that, I really don't treat her like shit. I'm brutally honest sometimes, but I'm not treating her like shit. I'm not rude, I'm brutally honest. Also, she calls me bitch all the time, so in my opinion, she treats me like shit. Plus, she never hangs out with me and if we do actually hang out, she doesn't listen to anything I say. But then she says I don't listen to her, which ONE, I do and TWO, even if I didn't, don't be a hypocrite. You don't listen to me so be happy I do listen to you. I've been telling her I'm suicidal, that I want to kill myself, but she doesn't care. "It's just a phase". And she knows I've been feeling this way for YEARS! Why can't she show any care for me? Why does no one share any care for me? Oh, and back to the "treating her like shit", she thinks I'll act different having other people in the house with us. Have I acted any different? FUCK NO. I don't see her psychology in that. It's just...why do I got such fucked up parents? A dysfunctional family? Why couldn't I be raised in a loving family with people who actually care for me for who I am? Is that so hard? Why does my dad continue to act I don't exist while he hangs out with his "new" daughter. I just don't understand. I just want to be happy. To live in a world where people stop lying to me. You know, religious people ask me why I don't believe in God. This is why. If He loves us so much, why are there so many people out there suffering while others don't? Huh? Seems like Good favors other people over other people if He truly does exist. Just saying. It's all bullshit to me. Everything is bullshit to me. Everyone is bullshit to me. I'm bullshit to myself. I would of killed myself by now if people wouldn't call me a pussy if I was to. I just...it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Whatever.