My Diary

Entry 115

January 1, 2021
12:56 P.M.
Friday

So before I say anything, I just wanna say Happy New Years! It is 2021 now and I hope the year will treat all of you well and that the year is full of happiness for you. Remember when we said 2016 sucked but each year got worse. Let's hope 2021 breaks that trend because let's be honest, 2020 was a terrible year for many reasons. Anyway, enough of that stuff. So you guys know I've been working as a waitress for almost the past month. I really don't like working for many reasons, but unfortunately we have to do it. I think my biggest problem is just how insecure I am. Like I have no confidence in myself. I'm just too hard on myself. Like one time, I accidentally spilled sweet tea when pouring a cup and I just hated myself for it. Every time I make little mistakes like that, I basically just curse to myself and I tell myself that I'm stupid or that I'm a worthless, blah blah blah. Even though these mistakes that everyone makes in awhile, I'm still so hard on myself. I wish I really could stop doing that because it's making me frustrated when it shouldn't be. Also I'm feeling extremely insecure when it comes to my speech impedient. Where I work, we call out the orders to the cooks and I'll be calling out the order and they'd be like "I can't understand you!" I even had one guy be like "Use your words!" once and it's like I AM GODDAMN IT. I was talking to my granddaddy earlier about this and he told me that even he doesn't understand what I'm saying sometimes...like geez, is my speech that bad? I'm feeling really insecure right now. I still remember one girl back in school who used to make fun of me because I have a speech impedient. Like I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm just realizing how terrible my speaking is right now and I guess I'm just feeling like shit for it. I shouldn't because I can't really control it, but it's how I feel. Working has definitely made me feel more insecure about myself than I ever had before. I kinda regret working because of it...I don't know...I thought I'll feel better about myself if I got a job but apparently not. And it doesn't help my granddaddy is just like "So what's your plan for the future??" Like dude, I just got a job. Give me a fucking moment. You would think he'd stop being on my ass once I got a job, but nope. I just hate everything. Anyway, I gotta work in about 4 hours so I'm going to take a quick nap now. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.