My Diary

Entry 100

October 23, 2020
11:50 A.M.
Friday

We made it to the 100th entry everyone. We got to the triple digits. To be honest, I'm amazed that I'm still alive to reach this goal. So yay, I guess. I was going to type this out yesterday, but I was really lacking the motivation to do so. Anyway, so what's going on in the life of Zoe? So even though my mom and I argued on the phone the other day, she said she still wanted to hang with me the next day (so yesterday). I agreed because maybe we can talk things out. I don't want to just cut her from my life completely. For one, she has my dog. Secondly, because despite all her bullshit, I still love her. She's my mother after all, and I've already cut ties with my dad and look where that got me. I can't even talk to my younger brother, who I love more than anybody. But whatever, we're not here to talk about my dad. We're talking about my mom. But guess what? The hang out never happened. Shocking not shocking. Of course she bailed on me. She always does. She keeps saying she wants to hang out with me, yet she never does when she has the chance to. And for some fucked up reason, she wonders why I don't trust her. I messaged her last night saying I was pretty disappointed that she bailed on me again, especially since I told her I'll never trust her again if she did. Guess my trust isn't important to her at all. I'm not important to her. After all, she always chooses a man who doesn't treat her right over me. My granddaddy said I was being naive to think my mom would want to hang out with me and I suppose he's right. I am naive. To be more blunt, I'm an idiot. Why would my mom want to spend time with me? Hell, why would anyone want to spend time with me? I'm honestly the most boring person on this planet. It's not like I have anything to talk about. I'm not fun to hang with. I'm not fun at all. I wish I had the ambition to do something with myself, but that's so hard to do when you don't even care about yourself enough to do so. You know what I mean? I wished I could out there and be successful, but at the same time, I don't believe I deserve to be successful. I don't believe I deserve anything. I don't deserve my grandparents giving me a roof over my head and food to eat. I just don't want to live anymore. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive anymore. That makes no sense, but that's how I feel. I just don't understand why I'm still here.