My Diary

Entry 134

February 9, 2022
11:21 P.M.
Wednesday

Hey guys...I'm so emotionally and mentally drained right now. The other day was one of the shittiest days I think I had in a good while. So Sunday night, I worked 9pm to 7am like I always do. My mom was supposed to come get me early at 6:30 since she works at 7am and you know how my grandparents are. They aren't going to get me. My friend Jamie was coming in at 6 am so it was fine if I left early because we'd still have a waitress on the floor. However, that night while I was working, my mom and her boyfriend got into a huge fight. This fight started because when my mom took me to work earlier that night, she was there for too long. I don't know exact details because y'all know how my mom is. She doesn't tell me shit. But what I do know is that she apparently broke a lot of his shit in the house, he has a broken arm, and she was all covered in bruises so they obviously got very physical with each other. So due to this bullshit, he wouldn't let her leave the house until she got all her stuff so she came into work at like 9 and guess what? My ass was still stuck there two hours after I have gone off! My grandparents wouldn't come get me because "Oh, you should of had a driver's license by now" so fine. Whatever. I can't call my boyfriend because he's out truck driving. He's not in town so he can't come get me. So I was basically just trapped there. So when my mom did arrive, of course it had to be slamming busy in there so my mom couldn't give me a ride home. Our boss was stuck cooking on the grill by himself so she had to get on the line to help him cook. Jamie was trying really hard to quickly give me a ride home, but our boss wouldn't let her. Eventually, it was around 10 and I was STILL stuck there and I've been up since 6 pm the night before so I'm fucking tired so I just went and took a nap in my mom's car like the animal I fucking am. Woke up around noonish because it was fucking cold so I went back inside real quick and luckily, my boss let Jamie off early since she was the 6 am so I just left with her and decided to spend the night at her place. So yeah, I was stuck at work for 15 fucking hours. I cried in my mom's car due to the fact that I'm so worthless of a person that I can't even get myself home. Oh, also before my mom came into work, she texts me "I need $3000 by this afternoon". Like bitch, for fucking what? Does she really think I'm just going to throw her $3000 of my hard earn money? Like I would want an explanation at least or for her to ask, not just demand that I give her $3000. But the reasoning she needed $3000 was because her boyfriend was threatening her to pay for all the shit she broke and all or he will call the police on her. But I just told her I'm not gonna pay for his shit and she's on her own. She broke his shit, she can pay it. So then later while I was out with Jamie, I get a call from my mom telling me she now has hepatitis and that her boyfriend had it but didn't tell her so he ended up giving it to her. Like wow, what the fuck. But I'm not gonna lie, this is something I saw coming. I always warned my mom she needs to use protection during sex and she's just like "Why? My tubes are tied. I can't get pregnant". Well, you can still get a disease. And guess what? She's got it. It's a rough "I told you so" you know? Anyway, I'm trying to talk to my mom on the phone here and he's over here screaming and cussing at me in the background and I'm just like "I don't know who the fuck you are trying to talk to me like that." Like what a colossal asshole. Then again, this is the same guy who knew he had a disease that could be transferred sexually, but then proceeded to have unprotected sex with my mom without her knowing. But yeah, I basically told this guy he doesn't scare me one bit so if he wants to start a fight; trust me, I'll end it. Even Jamie was going on talking about getting her shotgun and shooting his head off. By the end of the day, I was extremely exhausted. I was physically exhausted, don't get me wrong, but I think the mental exhaustion was what really took a toll on me. Not to mention, I went like that whole day without eating too. I'm just so fucking done with my life. I hate it. Like every time I try to positive and tell myself it'll get better, it gets worse. I'm glad I didn't have to work again until tomorrow because I definitely just not in the mental space to work, especially at a job I hate because I work with lazy incompetent idiots. My boyfriend told me to be strong, but I don't think I can anymore. I can't deal with it anymore. Just nonstop, my life continues to be chaotic. For awhile, I've been wanting to hurt myself again and it's been taking all my willpower not to, but it's not going to last forever... I just wish if my mom continues to live a chaotic life, it didn't affect me...my boyfriend was telling me I should probably take a break from work for my mental health but y'all know I can't do that...y'all know my grandparents will throw a fit about it. They'll just think I'm just trying to get out of work even though I'm a hard worker who never calls out and has even covered shifts before! Like I really just wish I could run away and escape...away from my mom, my grandparents, my job...just run away. I don't care where. I just need a break from the constant stress and pressure that's always on me... or maybe nap for a month, I don't know, haha. I'm just tired...physically and mentally.