My Diary

Entry 90

June 20, 2020
8:47 P.M.
Saturday

I have the BIGGEST headache right now and it sucks. And I'm trying to lie down and go to sleep in hopes that my headache would go away, but I just can't fall asleep. And it's like that every night too. I just can't sleep. I don't know if it's insomnia or something, but whatever it is, it sucks. I would lie down and close my eyes and relax, yet...not sleep. And I would lie like that for hours, but no success. It sucks. Even when I'm super tired, I can't fall asleep. I just don't get it. Is there something wrong with me? But forget that. That's not important. So this morning after I finished walking my dog, my mom said something to me (to be honest, I don't remember what it was) but what pissed me off was her saying "since you never talk to me" afterwards. Excuse me? I don't talk to you? It's the other way around. I try to talk to her constantly, but she chooses to ignore me. Hell, I told her my dog needed dog food like 2 or 3 days ago. Has she gotten the dog food? No. Because every time I say something, she doesn't listen. She's too occupied with stupid TV. She's always so sunk into these TV shows that she never hears anything I say. I can tell her I'm pregnant and she won't pay me any attention. I don't get it! But no. I don't talk to her. I never try to. Obviously, I'm the one ignoring her, not the other way around. God, I hate this woman so much. I don't understand how I deal with her. And when I say hate, I mean it. I've come to the realization that I don't even trust her as a person. I mean after all, moving into this apartment, she told me that she wasn't going to move Sonny in yet SHE DID JUST THAT. Fucking bitch. The sad part is that I saw it coming. I knew I was going to be right. I was hoping I wouldn't be and she would prove me wrong, but no. She proved me right. Also, she tries to go behind my back, thinking I'm stupid and that I don't know how to put little clues together, and married Sonny. She tried to do this without me knowing. I wasn't even invited to the wedding. Would I went if I was? No because Sonny can suck my nonexistent dick, but you know, the thought counts. You know, showing some trust in me, as your daughter, would of been nice because I've never done anything to break her trust. I've always been honest with her. But no. It's always about Sonny. Because he's more important than me. I'm serious, I can die and she wouldn't even notice. And the sad thing is it's not just with me. She's like this with my older brother. Not too long ago, around Christmas time, my mom and my older brother planned to go see a movie together. But instead of doing that, she decided to go to the bar and get drunk. She would rather go out drinking than spend time with her son. And you know, the talented and well loved by the community child too. This obviously pissed him off and he told me about it and I told him she does it with me too. Hell, he even said he's currently going through therapy because of all of my mom's bullshit and I don't blame him. Maybe I should go to therapy if I ever get the chance to. Anyway, I basically called her out on this saying how it's fucked up she made plans to go see a movie with him but she bailed last moment to go get drunk at a bar. But did she agree with me? Of course not. Because she's always correct. Sorry, I went on a tangent there. But it pissed me off that she said that I ignore her and that I don't try to speak to her when it's the other way around. But then she goes off talking about how Sonny doesn't love her and that he only cares about himself and I'm just like...you're really noticing this NOW? You know, not when he tried to fuck your best friend, not when he kicked us out of a house we lived in for 8 years, not when he got you in fucking prison, but NOW? I just...ugh! Look, I understand being in an abusive relationship isn't easy, but like...she knows it's a bad relationship yet she chooses to stay. Like what I'm trying to say is what is making her stay? He's not good-looking, he's not rich, he doesn't hold anything over her, I just don't get it! She keeps saying she's done with him yet the next second she's ignoring me for him. I don't know...it's not an easy situation, but I wish he would just go away. I'm trying not to wish death upon him because that's fucked up but like is there any other way he would go away? You get what I mean? Like if he were to die, we would be free. But I shouldn't be saying that. I just hate anything and I wish I could just stop living sometimes. I'm tired of this bullshit.