My Diary

Entry 99

October 21, 2020
4:54 P.M.
Wednesday

I can't believe the audacity of my mom! I am so pissed off right now. So remember how I was supposed to go to a funeral today? Nope, last minute this morning she decided to text me we're not going because she doesn't want to deal with sadness. And look, I completely understand that but she decides to tell me this last minute at almost 9 in the morning when I'm already dressed for the funeral. Like thanks. I could of slept in more if I wanted because you know, I've been having a hard time sleep lately but whatever. I let that slip. To be honest, I wasn't really looking forward to the funeral anyway. Like I have no idea what a funeral is like and what I should do there. It would just be awkward if I went, you know? So anyway, my mom said she still wanted to hang with me later which is cool because I do want to hang with her. So eventually earlier this afternoon, she asked if we go to eat at Johnny O'Quigley's for lunch so I said suppose so because I know that restaurant will be packed with people. I know I've mentioned it but I've never gone into depth with it, but I get so anxious around people. I don't know what it is, but I basically have a panic attack when I'm out in public with a lot of people. It's a big issue of mine. It's the number one reason I don't have a job by the way. It's not because I'm lazy or anything. I don't want people to think I'm not trying, it's just I panic being around so many unknown people. But I was willing to do this because I need to get around people and get used to it if I'm hoping to have a job in the near future. But this is what pissed me off right here. She texted me out of nowhere that Sonny was coming along. Are you fucking serious? What makes her think I would want to be anywhere near that asshole? So of course, I told her if he was coming then I'm not going. And she's all like "Please" and begging me, but no. I don't fucking think so. I'm not going to be in the same space as him if I don't need to be. Like she just can't bring him along last minute, it's not cool. She knows damn well I want it to just be the two of us. But according to her, apparently I'm just as bad as him for making her choose. Yes, I'm as bad as an manipulative and abusive asshole. Totally. I even said I know what I'm saying is shitty, but again, she told me it'd just be the two of us. She didn't say anything about bringing him along. But no. She's never in the wrong. I even told her not to blow me off again or I'm losing my trust in her completely but what is she doing? Basically blowing me off for Sonny. So obviously, my trust isn't important to her. And like she has done in the past, she keeps saying that I just want her to be miserable WHEN I CLEARLY DON'T. Like why do you think I want Sonny gone? Because I can't stand to see my own mother with such a scumbag! I couldn't care less about me, it's about her. I want her to be happy, I really do. But no, apparently I hate her and want her to be miserable. If I hated her so much, why the fuck would I want to hang out with her so badly!? The logic there is nonexistent! So for literally half an hour, we argued on the phone because this woman has no idea how to shut the fuck up and listen to what I'm saying. I just want her to understand my perspective. I explained to her how she has tried to hide shit from me (such as her and Sonny getting married) and how she has lied to me on many occasions (such as her saying she was going to see Avengers: Endgame with me but instead sees it with Sonny and how she said she wouldn't move Sonny into the apartment yet she fucking did) and how all this has made it very hard to trust her. When I mentioned her going to movies with Sonny instead of me, she was like "I can see the same movie twice!" Like no, it's not the same! This literally happened all the way back of May of last year and she's STILL trying to justify it. We were supposed to see it together for my birthday since my birthday is in May and Avengers: Engame was out in theaters at the time but no. She had to go blow me off and see it with Sonny. See a recurring theme here? She really loves to just blow off her kids for this asshole (yeah, I'm not the only one. She does it with my older brother too). And when I asked "Don't you understand my point of view?", she was like "Yeah, but it's a fucked up point of view." Yeah, I'M the one with the fucked up point of view, not the one who blows off her daughter after she promised to see a movie with her for her birthday. And also while we're on the topic of Sonny, of course I mention that both my older brother and I want him out of the picture and she's just like "So you want me to be alone and miserable?" Oh yes, being single, the most miserable thing ever. And my mom mentioned I've never been in a relationship so I wouldn't understand and I responded that I never ever want to be a relationship and she tells me that being in a relationship doesn't mean sunshine and rainbows. Which I agree with. Couples argue at times, I get that. It's human nature. But constantly screaming and yelling at each other, throwing a temper tantrum and getting violent by knocking shit over and all that (you know, domestic violence) and possibly cheating on each other...THAT'S NOT A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP! It's toxic! Jesus fucking Christ! And I swear, she knows this but she's just trying to make excuses to justify staying in a toxic relationship instead of being "alone and miserable". And look, I'm not trying to blame the victim here. But she knows it's bad and she's staying to basically just say she's in a relationship. She likes the idea of being in a relationship, that's it. After all, she constantly cheated on my dad while she was with him and I'm sure she's cheating on Sonny too. It just gets on my nerves so much. Like I'm sorry, if my daughter and I are thrown out of our house we lived in FOR 8 YEARS and also got me put in jail, that crosses the fucking line. This wasn't a little oopsie. I'm sorry, he would of been out the picture. And she's all like "Just give him a chance". Bitch, I did. I did give him a second chance because after the first time, he did apologize. But guess what? He continued to be a violent, abusive and manipulative piece of shit. He never tried to work on himself at all. If he was really sorry, he would. But he hasn't. There has been no improvement in his behavior since. He's been this with since 2018. I'm sorry, I'm done with him. He doesn't care about me and most importantly, he doesn't care about my mom. He's only with her because she's easy to manipulate and control. That's it. So on the 27th of this month, my friend that's moving away was planning on having a little get together before he moves away. Of course, I would like to see him before he moves away. So I asked my mom if she'd be able to take me and she said she would. But apparently, this is such a big problem for her. Because this conversation somehow turned to how I'm such a burden for her and how she was rearranging her schedule that day so she could take me because she has work that day. LIKE I FUCKING KNEW! And according to her, I basically told her to take me. Like bitch, no I did not. I literally ASKED if she can take me. All she had to say was "No, I can't. I have work that day" and I would understand. But for some reason, my mom thinks I'm not this understanding person and that I only care about myself. Yeah, I care about myself. Whatever. In fact, I couldn't care less about myself. I don't even shower regularly or eat really because I hate myself that much. I don't deserve those luxuries. But according to my mom, I'm the only thing that matters to me. I don't care about her. Just...AGGGGHHHHHH! IT'S SO FUCKING STUPID! WHY DOES SHE THINK I'M THIS HEARTLESS MONSTER WHO JUST WANTS TO WATCH EVERYONE SUFFER!? I DON'T GET IT! DOES SHE SERIOUSLY THINK I'M A SOCIOPATH OR SOMETHING!? I...JUST...DON'T...GET...IT! God, she pisses me off so much. So yeah, basically I just told her to forget about taking me over to my friend's place because it's such a big problem for her. I won't go. It doesn't matter. And I told her to go off her with her stupid husband because it doesn't matter. I don't matter, and I never have.