My Diary

Entry 149

February 10, 2022
11:33 A.M.
Friday

I'm so tore apart right now and I just don't know what the fuck to do, and there is nothing I can do. So I only agreed to my younger brother coming down to Florida to VISIT. NOT PEREMANTLY. But apparently my younger brother and mom have been talking about him living here in Florida. As much as I would love that, that's impossible. My grandparents don't have any more room for him to live with us, my mom's lifestyle is just unstable, and it is way too expensive for me to go out and get my own place. Besides, my grandparents told me I shouldn't have to take the responsibility of raising my younger brother. I just don't know what to do. I already told both my younger brother and my mom that he can't come live down here because there's not a stable place for him but they won't listen. My younger brother isn't happy with my dad which I understand, but he's only coming down to run away from his problems. Obviously, if you've read this entire thing, you know for a fact my mom is completely unstable. That is not someone I would trust a troubled teen with. I just feel like shit that he's stuck in this fucked up situation. I just feel like shit that I'm so worthless of an adult to help him because there's literally nothing I can do. My grandparents just told me that unfortunately everything is out of my control and I can't be constantly worrying over everyone but I can't help but do so. I just hate everything so much. Why couldn't I just been born into a more stable family than the bullshit I was born into? I hate everything...I can't stop crying about all this. I don't want my younger brother to deal with the same bullshit I had to deal with with my mom. It's not fair for him...but if he is so intent on living here, maybe I can help him get a driver's license and stuff, I don't know. It'll gain him some kind of independence...but I'm just thinking out loud here. It's just a lot for me to handle. Sometimes I wish I was just a cold, emotionless machine who didn't care about nothing but unfortunately, here we are. But I told my younger brother I'm here whenever he needs someone to talk to so I guess that's the best I can do...it's better than nothing I suppose. I just wish life would stop with the bullshit.

To end on a happier note, it's my older brother's birthday today. Yay! I wish I had my life together just like him...