My Diary

Entry 105

November 28, 2020
Saturday
11:43 A.M.

Hey guys, I had someone relay to this and I'm glad they did. The reason I'm talking about this is I'm afraid people may come across this and take what this guy saying as truth. So remember how I had that guy that made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe since I felt like I was being cyberstalked? Well, apparently he wrote a story here on Wattpad "exposing" me. The cover is a picture of me from one of my YouTube videos. Wow, was planning on actually deleting or at least privating all my videos soon but thanks anyway.  So the first chapter here is called "Why I'm Exposing Her" and the first thing he says is that I'm a neglected child and a depressed cunt who transfers my pain to others. Not only that, he says he only liked me for my personality because I'm not cute at all. Then he goes to say he showed my picture to other people, where they told him that my face is awkwardly structured and that I spoke with an impedient like I have a mental disability. He goes to say that he's trying not to be mean, but that's exactly what he's doing. My appearance has nothing to do on "exposing" me so why is he bringing it up? To hurt me. Also, about me speaking with an impedient like I have a mental disability... I DO HAVE A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT AND A MENTAL DISABILITY! I'VE MENTIONED THIS BEFORE! So not only are you making fun of my looks, you're making fun of my mental disability? That's just a low blow, man. So he goes on to say he's not going to feel bad for what happens to me because I cursed him out in private. But of course, he leaves out the part that he was being a creep so of course I cursed him out. I have explained why this guy made me feel uncomfortable before in past entries but he seems not to like that (we'll get there). So he continues saying karma is a thing and that I'll just fall for some white guy like my mom. Okay, one, I do not plan on dating. Not saying it's not going to happen, but I don't plan on it. Secondly, why a white guy specifically? Because Sonny just happens to be white and my mom is black? Is this guy saying that only white guys can be abusive and manipulative, just like Sonny? News flash: a guy of any race can be abusive and manipulative! Not just white guys! Besides, let's say in the future I do meet a guy in the future and start dating him. That doesn't mean he's going to be abusive and manipulative! Not everyone ends up like their parents, you know. In fact, since I've seen my mom date so many abusive and manipulative men, I can probably see the signs if a guy is trying to manipulate and control me. Also he says I'm a black girl with low self esteem because where I live, black girls are not desired. Okay, not exactly true! For one, I'm a half black girl. My mom is black but my dad is white. This guy has to know that. He's seen my YouTube videos, he's seen how light skinned I am, he has to know I'm half white. The reason I bring this up is because he says I have low self esteem because I'm black and blacks are not desirable here. Um...have I ever complained about my race here ever on this diary? My race has nothing to do with my low self esteem! I would feel the same if I was Hispanic or Asian or whatever. I have low self esteem because of people like this guy calling me ugly while I have parents who treat me like dirt. It's absolutely ridiculous he would say that. So I just wanted to clear that up. So he complains that entries 43, 44, and 103 are all about him. Go read them if you want to know how I felt uncomfortable and unsafe by him. I didn't curse him out for no reason like he frames it in his "exposed" story. Should I have remained more calm and not curse him out? Looking back, probably. I do have the tendency to start cursing someone out when they piss me off whether it's through messaging or in person and I definitely need to work on that. It's way better than what I was like when I was a kid, but I'm going to continue to work on that. Either way, he goes to say that I play the victim role for sympathy because I want attention because I'm heartless and hurt people just hurt other people. I've said before I DO NOT WANT SYMPATHY. But wait, he brings that up later so I'll address that when I get there. Secondly, I HATE attention more than anything. Hell, when I saw this diary getting more reads, votes, with people even adding this to their reading playlists, I said I was surprised by all the  attention. I was not expecting this to become as big as it did (not that it's huge but certainly a lot more than I thought) so how can he be saying I'm writing this for attention? I didn't even know this would get attention! Also saying hurt people hurt other people? Are you serious? That's a fucked up mentality to have. That's like saying abused kids grow up to abuse their own kids. That's not how that works! That's not always the case! Believe it or not, people can work on themselves mentally and not hurt others because they're hurt. What I'm just trying to say is just because someone is a broken person due to neglect or abuse growing up, doesn't mean they're going to do the same to others. I can't believe he actually said that. So yeah, he goes to say I'm hideous inside and out and that when I fall in love in the future and get dumped by a guy since he realized he can do better than "a pale midget with a leprechaun face and nappy hair" then maybe I'll get more depressed and actually kill myself. Because I apparently fake sad and show my true evil in private and that I deserve the long life of pain ahead of me. Wow, truly inspirational. Again, gotta love how he brought up my appearance and insulted it yet again. Again, how I look has nothing to do with my "supposed evil" in private. He's just insulting my appearance because he knows that's a sore subject for me and he knows that will hurt me. Which congratulations, you succeeded. I've made it very clear that I think very low of my appearance. By the way, I'm not a "midget". I'm not THAT short. I am short, yes, below average height but I'm not short enough to be considered a midget. I know I'm nitpicking here, but still. Also he says I have nappy hair. Not true actually. Currently, I actually do brush my hair so there are no tangles or naps in my hair. It's just super poofy. In my older YouTube videos when I was like 15-16 years old, yeah I was really bad at brushing my hair but currently, no. Not nappy hair, just poofy. Doesn't mean you have to like my hair; in fact, I hate my hair but I'm just saying. But yeah, that's how he ended that chapter. This whole chapter was basically him insulting my appearance and saying I'm going to end up just like my mom. What "exposing" was done here? He's writing this just in case I end up reading it just to hurt me because he's butt hurt that I found him creepy and thus, I wanted nothing to do with him. Okay, let's get to Chapter 2.