My Diary

Entry 136

April 13, 2022
4:09 P.M.
Wednesday

Hey y'all. It's been awhile since I've posted here. I'm alive, I swear. It's just the same old bullshit going on and on and I don't want to constantly be repeating myself, you know? I'm sure y'all would find that annoying too. So what have I been up to since the last time I posted? ...working. Working all the time...and I'm so tired of working. I hate working. I don't hate the job itself, but all my coworkers are just so stupid and incompetent...there was an instance that happened a couple weeks ago that pissed me off and I'm still feeling effy about it now...allow me to explain. So one night at work, one of the servers I was working with came in with a huge attitude. I don't know if they just had a bad day or something, but they were just snapping at me for every little thing. After awhile, their attitude got very, very frustrating. Like at one point, they were whining about how the cook we were working with was getting on their ass about how they weren't calling orders correctly and I'm just like "Call the orders correctly and he won't get on your ass about it???" Like I don't know what they were expecting me to respond with. Here's where shit hits the fan. So at one point during the shift, these customers sit down in a table in their section but they're a bit slow and behind so I decided to help them out and set the customers up. I got the customers their silverware and drinks. But for some reason, this server REALLY did not like that. They literally came screaming at me being like "WHY ARE YOU STEALING MY TABLE!?" This took me aback and being sick of their attitude, I was just like "First of all, DON'T NEED YOUR DAMN ATTITUDE. Secondly, I was just setting them up for you so they didn't think they were being ignored." But then they were all like "Well, I'm tired of you doing all my work for me all night." Um...what? Since when did I do that? This was literally the first time that night I set up any of their customers. But the customers were clearly uncomfortable, so I just walked away before I slammed their head into the ground because their attitude was pissing me off that much at that point. One of the cooks who's buddy-buddy with this server then got onto me, telling me not to start that shit with customers and I'm just "Bruh, really?" THEY'RE the one who came screaming at me, not the other way around. I even walked away because I saw the customers were uncomfortable. But like I said, this cook is super buddy-buddy with this server so am I shocked he took their side? No. Disappointed? Yes, because I thought this cook was better than that. Even the other cook we were working with that night told me that he unfortunately feels that no matter the situation or who's in the right of wrong, that cook will take their side just because they're best buddies. Which is annoying. Don't get me wrong, I understand being by a friend's side but if a friend of mine is doing something wrong, I'll tell them so. I feel like a real friend would be blunt, but I don't got anyone I could call a real friend so what the fuck do I know? Anyway, what pissed me off even more was that after this server got the customers their food, they were all like "Can I leave early?" Bruh, really? You want to leave now and leave me to take care of YOUR customers after screaming at me and accusing me of trying to "steal your tables"? Really? But like I said, they had a sickening attitude all night so I just let them go before the night ended with them in the ER and me fired if you're catching my drift. That whole instance left me feeling sour but I just brushed it off with them having a bad day. Not that it excuses them being a colossal bitch, but I'm not going to dwell on it. Hell, those customers tipped me $20 and tipped them nothing because they felt bad for me so...haha. Take that, bitch. So in the morning, our district manager came in and she asked me what happened between me and that server earlier and I was left confused because I didn't think anything too serious happened so I was just like "What do you mean?" Now this is what really set me off. So apparently that server messaged her after leaving complaining about me, saying I'm always stealing their tables and their money, and complaining how I always make more in tips than them. I straight out called bullshit on that because I never took a single table from them. Sure, I set some of them up because they're slow but they wrote the bill and got all the tips off the tables so I don't understand how I'm "stealing their tables and money". I just told her that if she didn't believe me, she can check tapes. And I found it really weird how they were complaining about how I made more in tips than them like sorry??? I don't control that??? But I can easily tell you what it is. They're just not that good of a server. Not saying I'm the best, but I'm not constantly going outside during a full house and getting high instead of paying attention to my customers. I'm always inside, being attentive by refilling drinks and all, and doing all the side work in the process as well, whether it's washing dishes or making tea, etc. Like I'm sorry. At my job, we're all out in the open so customers can see who's working and trying and who's not. Customers see me staying inside and working while this other server is always sitting in the corner or is going outside and getting high, so they tip accordingly. You get what I mean? Like if they're not making a bunch in tips, that's their own damn problem. I make enough in tips in my opinion. Monday morning, I left with $100 in my apron and we only did $500 in sales that night. On busy nights, I leave with like $200. Like you can make a ton of money at my job as a server, especially since servers don't share tips where I work. Which thank God by the way because if I had to share my tips with lazy, incompetent idiots, I would be extremely upset. Anyway, overall, I think this server is just really jealous I make more in tips than them which is not my problem. I understand that server was in a bad mood that night but accusing me of shit I didn't do is where I draw the damn line. I have bad days all the time but I don't go falsely accusing others. And this whole situation left me just extremely baffled because this server has always been really sweet and we've been cool. We haven't had any issues before so for them to all of a sudden to have issues with me and accuse me of stealing tables is confusing. They also said that they always brag about how much I make in tips, which isn't true by the way, but it's okay if other servers do it. Like there was this one time where one of the servers was talking about how she got a $20 tip and they were like "Good job! Good for you!" But wait a minute. If I announced I got a $20 tip, they would whine about how I brag about how much in tips. You see the confusion here? Does this server just hate me specifically so they tried to get me in trouble or something? Like my brain is just not understanding...but it's little things like this that make me hate my job so damn much. People like this...not to mention like I've said before, I'm always the one pulling the weight and doing all the work. I always have to take all the damn to-go orders. And then everyone's confused how I do so much more in sales than them. Like Saturday night, out of three servers, where we did $1500 in sales, I did $850 in sales by myself. So between the other two servers, only $650 was done. Are you seeing the issue here? You see how I'm the one who's always pulling the damn weight here? Even if my boss actually checked our ticket books like he's supposed to, he'd be seeing who's hustling and see it's me. But if I'm pulling the weight, is it really shocking I'm making double the tips than the rest? No, it isn't. But not do I only have to run the damn restaurant, I do all the side work too. Whether it's washing dishes, making tea, stocking on what we need, sweeping and mopping the floor, cleaning the restrooms...I do all of that every fucking night. So yeah, I'm just left just being overwhelmed, stressed out, and just exhausted. So I'm always sleeping my days off. Even though I literally go into hibernation on my days off, I'm still so tired. Like I looked in the mirror earlier today when I was brushing my hair and just saw the dark bags underneath my eyes. Just ugh...I looked so gross. It's like damn, I gotta learn how to use makeup because I look that hideous. And the past couple weeks, I've just been in a deep depressive state. Nothing crazy has happened so I don't know why I've been so depressed and upset...is my depression coming back to haunt me? Even my desire to self harm has been trying to surface but I just suppress it because I know that's not the answer. That's why I stopped in the first place. When I first started working, I thought I was getting better but it doesn't seem that way anymore because I've been more emotional than ever...I just don't understand what to do with myself. I'm so emotionally and mentally unstable, I just don't know how I can get better...and I've been feeling so empty too. Like I feel so unfulfilled in life, you know what I mean? And it doesn't help that the one person who does care about me is constantly on the road...I just wish I knew how to cope with my feelings instead of just bottling them up. If I ever get the chance to, I definitely need to start therapy or something because I can't live like this anymore...maybe I can find the source of my depression. Who knows? That'd be neat. I do know I got issues with being too emotionally distant because my boyfriend voiced this to me once because he was afraid he was always making me uncomfortable. I think I'm just afraid of being vulnerable and being too trusting of others because that's where people take advantage of you and hurt you. Obviously, not everyone is like that, but like everyone I've trusted has done that to me so I guess I just subconsciously built up a wall around me. But I am trying to be more open with my boyfriend! I can't just push every single person in my life out because that's how you get people to leave you. It's so complicated...I am so mentally fucked. But I have been meaning to get back into the hang of typing all my feelings out in here because it did and does help a bit...I've just been so tired from work. But I'll try to post more often. No promises though, but I will try. I doubt anyone still reads these though...still feels nice to get this off my chest a little. Anyway, I'm sorry to go on a little rant there. I know I do that a lot. But I feel a little better now so that's what matters, right? But for now, I gotta go. Hope I'm not boring to everyone now, haha.