My Diary

Entry 94

July 29, 2020
8:36 A.M.
Wednesday

I just woke up and I don't ever want to dream again. I'm so depressed and I'm crying. Last night, I had a dream where I got to see my younger brother, Bryan again. For some reason, my dad and Bryan came down to visit and obviously, I'm still pissed off at my dad so I basically ignored him. Didn't want to deal with his bullshit. But I was so happy to see Bryan again. It's been over 3 years since I last saw him and the first thing I did was run up and hugged him, telling him how much I missed and loved him. I just held on to him and wouldn't let go. He's everything to me, the most important person to me, the person who I told my secrets to. A lot of my dream consisted of Bryan and I just playing video games together and I never was so happy before in my life. It was just like the good old days before all the drama started. He did gain some weight, but it was still the little brother I knew so well. To be honest, I stopped playing video games altogether (unless I'm at a friend's house) after my dad and Bryan went to Kansas. Bryan and I used to always play video together all the time...maybe that's why. Anyway, back to the dream. While hanging with Bryan, I knew it was only temporary because I knew he was only visiting so I spent as much time with him as I could. My dad was trying to win me back half the time, telling me he was sorry for the way he treated me, but they just empty apologies and I basically told him to fuck off each time. But at the end of the dream, my dad and Bryan were about to leave to go back to Kansas and I got to say my goodbyes to Bryan and give him one last hug. Those few days had to have been the best days of my life, just being able to talk to Bryan again. But that's when I woke up. I was confused for a good moment, but it eventually dawned on me that it was all a dream. I never actually got to see Bryan again. I never got to talk to him and patch things up again. In reality, he still hates me. I just couldn't help, but cry. It all felt so real. It's not fair. Why did I have to dream that? I feel worst than ever right now. I just want to see my little brother again. I feel so stupid for thinking that was real for even one second. I love him so much. I just want him back in my life. But as things are going, he's never going to come back...god, I hate my fucking life.