My Diary

Entry 19

April 21, 2019
2:09 A.M.
Sunday

It's been awhile since I wrote on this, but whatever. And damn me for not posting this on 420 yesterday, lol. Anyway, so anyway, I'm going to rant about my dad for a minute because he's really pissed me off. Also, my granny has a big fucking mouth so that's why all this happened. Anyway, so this happened on the 16th (I'm not doing the math to figure out when that is, lol) but anyway, my granny tells my dad that my mom has had her own place for awhile and that she's been going to the bar instead of moving me in with her. That's not true. She plays darts sometimes, but she's not just spending every second of her day at the bar drinking like my granny thinks she is. So I tell my dad that "no, we're just not done moving in." 'Cause believe it or not, it doesn't take one day to move in all your shit. Of course, I say that I don't like my granny complaining shit to him because it's a really petty move on her part. This is how our fight starts. And he's like "well I'm your dad" and it's like dude, you're in fucking Kansas and I'm all the way down here in Florida. It's none of your business. And it's not like he cares anyway. And when I tell him that, he gets all butt hurt and he's just like "you had the opportunity to come with me for a happier and better life but no you stayed with your mom. It's not my fault your life is so miserable and unstable" and I just told him that I never said it was. 'Cause I never did. And this pisses me off because he says that he "talks to me daily" and that he's the one "checking up on me" and that I'm blaming him for not caring but my mom is not there taking care of me. One, he damn well does not talk to me daily or checks up on me. He never texts me first, first of all. And I tested this too by not texting him for at least a week. Did I receive a text from him? Of course not. He just acts like I don't exist. And if I do text him, it takes him like a week to reply and then says he was "busy". For a fucking week? I think not. Also, he's posting on Facebook so I know that's bullshit. No, he's having fun with his new family. I don't matter to him no more. And just so you know, I know my mother is the best parent. Hell, I've even complained about her in the past. But I do know that moving into a new place, unfortunately, does not take one fucking day like my dad would like to think. He thinks she's just getting drunk in a bar when I know she is actually trying. So of course, I tell him to stop assuming shit because he believes that everything his mother says is truth (and just so you know, it's not). And then he's all like "I'm not assuming crap" and that he "knows her too well" and that I do too. He asks why I'm so quick to defend her and what is trying (like are you fucking kidding me?). Then he asks why I don't think he cares, 'cause he "takes the time to talk to me". Which is such utter bullshit as I explained above. Of course, I tell him that she is trying to move in 'cause again, you don't move in everything you own in one fucking day. Also, last summer, the entire summer for 3 months, he didn't send me one text because I called him a pussy. And guess what? He is a fucking pussy. Also, he said he was going to visit me and Sean...never did. And he also brought his new daughter along too when I would of liked for him to bring my younger brother, Bryan (you know, the person I actually fucking know and love and care for). All he did was hurt me, which he knows it did, but he continues making excuses instead of admitting he was wrong in doing that and apologizing. So this text really pisses me off. He said he went 3 months from talking to me because I was disrespectful (which I admitted it was wrong for me to do so, unlike him). I just feel you earn respect, you don't just get it. I don't care if you're my father or not. Then he said I had no right to go there 'cause yeah, he brought the girls. "It was a fun trip" he says. Yeah. They just wanted to go on a trip. Visiting Sean and me, you know, his fucking children, wasn't important. And then he tells me to grow up because I didn't get what I wanted (you know, bringing my fucking brother along and not two random bitches I don't know). His excuse was that Bryan didn't want to come because he was "done with being treated like crap and that he's been happy in Kansas since they arrived" (well, good for fucking him). And then he told me I should put the blame on my mom just like he did. Like he literally thinks my mom is the fucking Antichrist or something. It's pissing me off. So I told him that I never said my mom was not the best mother ('cause she isn't). And honestly, is there really such a thing as a perfect parent? I mean, every human has their own little flaws. But this shit my dad is pulling is just fucking ridiculous. To continue, when my dad came to visit (which he didn't), it was my granny's house. So Bryan would of never saw my mom since it was my granny's house anyway! Also, I told him that if he wanted my respect, he needs to stop being a lying piece of shit because not only am I sick of it, Sean is too. And he should show me some damn respect as well by not bringing those fucking girls like I asked him not too. But no, he did it anyway. And then he tells me that I need to understand that Daisy (his new daughter) is not just "that girl". And yeah. Yes, she is. I've never fucking met her and as soon as I said I wasn't going to Kansas, she stopped messaging me. So she honestly doesn't give a fuck about me. So yeah, she's just "that girl". No, actually, she's just "that bitch". 'Cause I remember texting her on Instagram and not getting a reply back. So she can go fuck herself. She ain't my sister. I don't care about her. And he asks why I have such a negative opinion of someone I never met. Well, I just explained why. And then he tells me that as for Sean that it is none of my business and that he needs to grow up and be an adult. And honestly, he's my older brother so I kinda feel it is my business that you're lying to him too. He then tells me that it's not my place to tell him who to take who or where to take them and that I'm just asking for drama (like come the fuck on, dad! You fucking know I despise drama more than anything)! Then he has the fucking nerve to call me a liar because I said I'll be going to Kansas with him and that I asked for him to build me a room, but no. I lied. One, I never lied. I changed my fucking mind. 'Cause I'm a human being with free will and believe it or not, humans tend to change minds. Secondly, I actually asked him NOT to build me a fucking room but he still did so honestly, that's all on him. So my dad keeps on rambling about bullshit and he says that it feels like I don't care about myself or anyone else. And yeah. I don't. I don't care about myself, anyone, or anything. I've become numb and lost all feeling to anything. So I told him that I never cared about anyone or myself. And then I told him that he just needs to accept that he's not right about everything. If he just admitted that he fucked up like every human being does then I wouldn't be so mad. But no. He can't do that 'cause he does no wrong. And then he's like "when are you wrong?" And then he tells me to tell my grandparents that I'm just freeloading and that I don't care about them. Like dude, I never asked to be at their fucking house! And I told him I admitted in being wrong by being disrespectful to him back when we first kinda started talking again unlike him. So of course, he pussies out and says "I'm not gonna keep arguing with you. I love you and have a great night." Like you're a fucking pussy, man. I can't believe I share half my DNA with his. It legit makes me more suicidal than I already am. So I told him that he's just running away again, like the pussy he is, and that I just want him to admit when he's wrong but he acts like he is always right. It's like he thinks he's God himself. So he said that he's done arguing (and obviously, so am I) so I tell him to stop assuming shit and saying things that aren't true. So he says "practice what you preach." Really, motherfucker? What shit have I assumed? I never assumed shit. I just spat out the truth and he's just angry 'cause he knows it's the truth. So I just tell him to have fun with his new family. But no. He said they're just an addition. Which is utter bullshit. He's taking them out to eat, or to the park, or yadda yadda. I don't remember ever doing that with him. And I told him that if that was the case, he would let my mom and I talk to Bryan since we are family. Also, I practically raised him but whatever. It's not like I fed him, and changed his diapers, and yadda yadda. Then he tells me to talk to him about that. Like does this son of a bitch not understand that Bryan won't talk to me 'cause he brainwashed him into thinking we're all evil. Just saying. But I said that it doesn't matter 'cause he's got a new sister. So this is where I got ticked the fuck off. My dad says that he is happy to have a brother and sister that love and respect him. One, THEY ARE NOT HIS FUCKING BROTHER AND SISTER. THEY DON'T SHARE NO DNA WITH HIM. Secondly, he just said that Sean and I don't love and respect Bryan. I practically raised him, and Sean has stood up for him on numerous occasions. But no. We never cared for him. But since we've fought, we don't love him. Like dude, siblings fight all the time. That's fucking normal. In any relationship you have with anyone, you will fight at times. It's human nature. But Sean, Bryan, and I have had our good moments together so saying that we never loved Bryan is literally the shittest thing he ever said. So he's all like "I never said that" and I just said "you just fucking did". You implied it, you dumbass motherfucker. And my dad types out "did/do" as if I don't love Bryan anymore. Like fuck you motherfucker. I will always love him. He is literally the most important person in my life to me and I cry just by seeing his pictures. Fuck, I'm crying just by typing this out. I just want to at least talk to the person I love most in my life again. I literally can't believe what he texted me. So he goes off saying that all I did was defend the person who didn't watch out for me (referring to my mom) so I told him not to bring up my mom because we're not fucking talking about her. That makes me want to fucking sucker punch him in the face. Then he's not like "I never mentioned your mother" like yes, the fuck you did. What the fuck are you talking about? But he tells me that I need to go to sleep and to message him when I learn how to respect him. So I told him that going to sleep is not going to make me rethink what I said and think I was in the wrong because I don't believe I was. But I did say that I love the exclamation mark he typed at the end. So extreme. And our texts end there. So yeah. My dad and I have a pretty rocky relationship. Which is sad too though 'cause I used to be such a daddy's girl. I remember when I was 4 years old and I jumped out my mom's car window because I was so happy to see him. Now I am 17 years old and I want to fucking kill him. Like not quickly either. I want him to fucking suffer and for him to see my face just before he dies so he can finally he fucked up. Obviously, I'm not going to do that to him. Don't worry. But I fucking want to.

Anyway, I'm always so negative. Let's talk about something positive for once. Just tonight, we've finally got everything move in! So yay, I'm about to sleep in my new bedroom for the first time. Obviously, all the shit in my room isn't organized, but I can do that tomorrow. So yay for the little things, I guess.