My Diary

Entry 140

October 6, 2022
4:00 A.M.
Thursday

So I was going to update on this earlier but I was so upset that I just went straight to bed when I got home. So why am I upset? Well, I took my driving test yesterday...and I didn't pass. I didn't succeed in getting my driver's license. So I'm extremely upset right now. People have just been telling me "Oh, it's okay. I didn't pass my first time either". But it makes me very upset for two reasons: one, I actually had some confidence in myself. I thought I'd actually be able to do it. After all, I've driven plenty of times before and not once did I crash or nearly kill us, etc. Secondly, I'm 21 years old. I'm a grown ass woman. That driver license is my key to independence. I was looking so forward to finally gaining my independence...finally not having to rely on rides back and forth to work...hell, I was hoping to move to second shift after getting my license so I'll have a more reliable way back and forth. But I know what that means now that I failed...I'm stuck on nights...I hate working nights so much...I'm so tired of it, I just want a normal sleep schedule again but it's not gonna happen. I hate everything. I hate myself. I fucked myself over. I got way too nervous. Didn't help being in the car with unfamiliar people either because y'all know how much anxiety being around unfamiliar people give me. That just made me even more nervous. The first thing I did after being told I didn't pass was cry. I know that sounds childish, but that's what happened. I cried right there in front of everyone and I don't give a fuck. Then the ladies were all like "You did really good tho! You did well!" Oh really? Why didn't I get my license then? Clearly I wasn't good enough. Being told "I did good" is not enough. That doesn't give me any confidence whatsoever because I could of been better. I don't need to be "good", I need to be "great". I need to be perfect. I just wanna beat myself up because of it. So yeah, afterwards I met with my mom (who was the bar, go figure that's where she goes after work) and told her the news. She tried to be uplifting by saying she didn't pass the first time either but that doesn't help...it really doesn't. I know I'm not the first one to not pass the driving test the first time, but it still leaves me discouraged that I didn't pass. It really hurts because again, I actually had some confidence coming in. I told myself: "I got this". And all of that just went down the drain. Doesn't help I had to wait a damn month for my appointment...so yeah, I'd be lying if I said I didn't drink my sorrows away. I certainly did. I know that's not gonna solve anything, but I did it anyway. Afterwards when I got home, I just passed out because it was 6 in the evening at that time and I've been up since 4 that morning so I was tired. I'm just so mad at myself because I know I could of done better, but I got too nervous. I freaked out and ruined everything. And I was afraid of this happening too. I'm so angry and upset and depressed...I'm never going to gain my independence. I don't even know why I even tried...I'm an idiot for thinking I could do it...