My Diary

Entry 66

January 24, 2020
8:23 P.M.
Friday

Can I just stop existing? Because guess what? You see, my mom and Sonny think I'm a fucking moron but anyone with brain cells would know what is going on. Get ready for it...THEY"RE GETTING FUCKING ENGAGED. That's right. They're planning on getting fucking MARRIED. I want to kill myself, but I know that's not the answer. I feel like cutting myself, but I know I shouldn't do that. What do I do? How do I deal with this? I know I can't stop it since everything I say is invalid to them, but I literally don't know anyway I can deal with this. So let me tell you how I know this is happening. I saw on the computer history in the kitchen that they were looking at wedding dresses and tuxedoes. I found a whole list of songs they are thinking about playing at their wedding. Last night, my mom randomly fucking called me to ask to babysit for a friend of hers because this friend wants to throw her a party. By the way, I said no. I hate those disrespectful little brats. Besides, I'm not your little tool to use so you can go off and party, which all my mom does every fucking night anyway. I asked her over the phone: "What's the party for?" Ignores me and keeps rambling on about bullshit. This morning while she was driving me to school, I asked the same question: "What's the party for?" And then my mom goes off saying I'm the most ungrateful person ever for even asking. How the fuck am I being ungrateful for? I was just asking a question out of curiosity. Oh, and guess what? She avoids to answer my question. Here's my theory. The party was going to be for my mom and Sonny's engagement, but they don't want me knowing that because they know I would disapprove. But their heads are so far up their asses that they haven't realized I already fucking know. Because you know, I have a functioning brain. And by the way, what a great friend you have there. A friend who knows you're in a toxic and abusive relationship, but wants to celebrate the engagement, thus enabling the toxic and abusive nature of it. Just disgusting. Also, right now, as I'm currently typing this, Sonny's sister is here right now. His fucking sister. Never seen or heard of her before. So why is she here now? Oh, right. Because her brother's getting married. That's right. And he and my mom seriously don't think I can't tell what's going on. I can't believe they think I'm so dumb. But in all seriousness, how do I deal with this? I just want to end my life or hurt myself or something, but I know that's wrong. Please someone, help me. I don't want to live knowing my mother is actually getting fucking married to this guy. Because if they get married, the fact his name isn't on the lease won't matter no more and he'll probably end up kicking us out again. What the fuck do I do? I'm so helpless. I know I'm an adult, but I have no power here. I just don't know what to do.