My Diary

Entry 89

June 17, 2020
12:36 P.M.
Wednesday

Hello. I'm back. I think it's been a good while so I apologize. But nothing worth updating has really happened. You know, my mom and Sonny are still arguing over the same stupid bullshit so I didn't think that was worth updating. I don't want to be annoying and continuously repeat myself. But my Monday was crazy, I'll tell you. So I started my period that day, which is normal of course. I'm a girl. But my granddaddy and I planned later that day to go driving and because of the cramps, my legs became extremely weak. That always happens when I'm on my period. I know it happens to other girls too. I can handle the cramps just fine, but I hate when my legs get weak because I can barely move. I can barely even walk. Obviously, I didn't want to be driving with weak legs so I asked my mom for some medicine that might help my legs become stronger so I didn't have to cancel driving with my granddaddy. After all, driving is the most important thing right now. I need to be able to drive in order to obtain my freedom. So I took some of the medicine and went to rest in my room for awhile in hopes the medicine will take affect by then. So around noonish, my dog needed to be walked. The medicine didn't take much affect yet and my cramps were killing me, but I didn't want her shitting in my room so I decided to walk her. Besides, I've walked her while cramping up before. It's a pain in the ass but I can handle it. But the unexpected happened while I was walking her. I ended up become extremely lightheaded. Not only that, my vision became extremely blurry and I could barely see. When that started happening, I turned around and started running home. When I came back through the door, I realized that was the worst mistake because now I could barely breathe. But it didn't feel like I was just simply out of breath from running, it felt like I actually couldn't breathe. It was difficult to breathe. Not only that, my chest was also in pain. I felt like I was about to pass out. So at this point, I knew something was wrong so I just texted my granddaddy that I couldn't drive because I wasn't feeling well at all. And as soon as I got to my room, I literally fainted. Let me tell you that was the scariest moments of my life. I didn't think I was going to die or anything, but I knew I was about to pass out and it was really scary. I don't know how else to explain it. Now the cause of this, I think it has to be lack of eating and drinking. I'm not purposely starving myself or anything, but I don't eat much due to the fact I just can't stand Sonny's presence. I refuse to leave my room, unless I need to use the bathroom or walk my dog when he's around because I hate him so much. Just seeing his stupid face makes my blood boil. So I always wait until he's gone (which is usually when he goes to the room at night) to get something to eat. Besides, I'm usually at my hungriest in the middle of the night anyway. Then again, I go all day without eating so that's probably why. That's why I never go out to eat dinner either, if there is even dinner because I just can't stand being in the same room as him. God, being under the same roof as him pisses me off. I don't know how to explain my anger, just know it's mostly just pure rage I guess. Of course, I just say "Oh, I'm not hungry" but that's far from the truth. I just rather not eat than see that asshole's face. But now I got to see the consequences of not taking care of myself. I knew I needed to do better with it, but I didn't think it would escalate to this level. You gotta eat, Zoe. Whether you like it or not. My period cramps may have also contributed to my passing out, but I still think it's mainly lack of eating and drinking. But then again, I'm not a doctor so what do I know? Currently, I'm still a little lightheaded, especially when I move around but I doubt I'm going to faint or anything. I think I'm okay as long as I eat something. So yeah. That happened. It was scary, but I'm better now.