My Diary

Entry 71

February 21, 2020
11:36 P.M.
Friday

Ugh, I did it again. Go nearly a whole week out of school due to lack of motivation. Well, Monday was a holiday and I did go to school Tuesday so there's that. But the rest of the week, I just didn't go to school. Again, I just told my mom I was sick although that wasn't the case. Honestly, I'm surprised she hasn't realized I haven't actually been sick. Guess it's because she never acknowledges my existence. She's always with Sonny. Sonny is more important than me. And if I ever get lucky when Sonny's not home and I do get to hang with my mom, she ignores everything I'm saying because she's too busy watching stupid TV. She even tells me to shut up sometimes because she's watching her program. TV is more important than me. Then again, I am pretty boring to talk to. It's not like I do anything so I have nothing to talk about. But still, it hurts. I don't know if I ever said this or not, so if I did I apologize but I can't believe my mom tried to marry Sonny behind my back. Like I wouldn't know. Like seriously? Does she think I'm stupid? And when I brought it up, she was kinda like "yeah, blah blah blah." This bitch doesn't care about my feelings. It's all about her. She's the important one here. Not only that, I wasn't even invited to the fucking wedding! Not that I wouldn't have went because I hate Sonny's guts and his presence just puts me out a good mood but I'm her fucking daughter. Like who doesn't invite their daughter to their wedding? That's like the most fucked up shit ever. That just shows I'm nothing important to her. Then again, on Valentine's Day, she practically called me an ungrateful bitch like usual and when I told her that I feel like she treats me like I don't exist, she just asked "Why would I want you to exist?" Like ow. Okay. Sorry I'm such a problem for you. At least she was honest about it though, but that still hurt.

Now I know I never talked about this. I've just been too lazy and too depressed about the situation to type this all down, but now I'm ready. So I've mentioned a couple times I have a strained relationship with my dad as well. With him going to Kansas to be with some random woman he started talking to online and then not contacting me as if I never existed. God, I just realized he and my mom are so much alike but no. He's the good parent, not her. I mean she is shit, but he is too. That's what I meant. Anyway, out of spite, right after my mom and Sonny got married, he decided to text me to be like "So I heard your mom and Sonny got married." Like seriously? None of your fucking business. So I basically just said "I don't know why you care" but he started complaining that I never discuss my personal life with him and I told him "Why would I? It's a living hell". Besides, it's none of his business. He may be my father, but he decided to make the choice to practically abandon me. Whatever happens in my personal life is no longer any of his business anymore. But no. He says he loves me soooo much. Which is bullshit. He ignored any texts or calls from me for 3 fucking months straight because I called him a pussy. Yes, that's the reasoning he ignored me. Ridiculous, right? And I apologized, saying that was wrong because I should be respectful, but I was being brutally honest. He's been ignoring my mom too and not letting her talk to my younger brother who went to Kansas with him. Like yeah, she's a piece of shit mom but you can't stop her from talking to her own son. He's technically still in her custody by the way. And I haven't been able to contact him either (I'll get to that in a minute). Not only that, he's been ignoring my older brother as well. Which makes no sense because he didn't do anything to him. He was already in college when he fucking left. He's got a new son and daughter. My older brother and I were in other words replaced with dumb rednecks. But wait, I'm not done. So I told him that the reason I don't ever discuss my personal life to him is because instead of just listening to me like a reasonable grown adult, he blames me for the reason my life is such shit because I decided not to go to Kansas with him and I was too much of a little bitch because I'm scared of "change". Look, I don't mind change as long as it's a good change. But my dad was telling me to go all the way to Kansas (I live in Florida by the way) to live with some woman and her kids. Seriously? You want me to move in with strangers? That is literally the most psychotic thing I ever heard. Not only that, I would have to leave behind everyone I've known and grew up with as well. I would have to go to a new school, like hell no. Of course I wouldn't do that. It's extremely reasonable and understandable in my opinion. But yeah. It's my fault I'm depressed because I just went to Kansas with him, OBVIOUSLY my depression would go away. OBVIOUSLY my life would be so much better. Like how the fuck would I know that? Just because he says my younger brother is happy there doesn't mean I would be. By the way, Sonny didn't become the manipulative and abusive asshole he is now until AFTER my dad was completely out the picture. So if that doesn't say something, I don't know what does. Anyway, I got mad at my dad for basically blaming me for my problems, but his responses were "You're an adult now. You need to understand the consequences of mistakes you made." Mistakes!? Are you fucking serious!? So it's MY fucking mistake that my mom is a neglectful alcoholic whore and Sonny is an abusive, manipulative dumb pothead!? That's MY mistake? He can't be serious. And I told him exactly this too, but no. It's my fault. I'm too blame. It's MY fault I'm unhappy. Because obviously my problems would be solved if I just went to Kansas with him. What a fucking tool. And to be hurtful, he told me my younger brother doesn't want to talk to me because I hurt his feelings for not going to Kansas as well. So of course, my younger brother hates me as well...just like the rest of my family. Now this one specially hurts because my younger brother was literally the most important person to me. He was the person I told all my secrets to. We were that close. But no, knowing my dad, he manipulated him in making me seem like the villain even though I did nothing wrong. It's fucking bullshit. I can't even talk to my own brother. Like there's no one I love more than my younger brother. I still dream about him when I sleep. But no...he hates me. God, everything fucking sucks. I wish my dad never left. My life wasn't such shit until he did. Now I just want to die. I hate everything.