My Diary

Entry 138

September 16, 2022
8:19 A.M.
Friday

Hello everyone. It's been a couple months since I've updated on this. I wasn't purposefully avoiding this diary, I just been lacking the motivation to write in it. I need to write in this more often like I used to, though, just to vent my feelings somewhere. The thing is I don't wanna keep constantly venting about the same thing over and over again. But I've been super emotional the past couple months and I've had no one to talk to so...

I think I've fallen back into a deep depression again. Which isn't good, but I think that's the problem. I'm always questioning the point in living anymore and often feel it'd be better if I was to stop existing. If I didn't leave anymore. Part of it is I'm just so damn lonely. No one talks to me or ever asks me how I am doing. I never get a "Hey how are you today?" from anyone. No one. Not from family or friends, no one...not even my grandparents ask me how I'm doing despite the fact I live with them. They don't even pay attention enough to notice if I'm ever home or not. There are times I'm gone for a couple days and I come back and they're just like "Oh, you were gone?" It's just disheartening. Then again, I know I'm partly at fault as well. I never try to ever talk to them either. But what the fuck do I talk about?? I clearly bore them if I talk about work and all they want to do is remind me how worthless I am...it's just hard to talk to them. Any time I've opened up about my depression, they just treat me like I'm a lunatic for my feelings...I can't ever talk to them about anything. I've been trying to talk to my older brother more often just to try to have at least one family member I can regularly speak to...but he's always busy with school. Which I'm not mad about. But even if he's not busy and we do talk, he just says the same superficial shit to me every one else says, like "It'll get better". Well, it's been 21 years...when does it get better?? Plus, I've tried to open up to him about how he hurts my feelings by how he always talks down on me. For example, I told him how it's really hurtful how he talks about my weight. I can understand if he's worried about how thin I am, but going off to me and telling me that I look anorexic and treat me like I'm on the brink of death isn't cool. Like I don't think I look that thin...I'm only 98 pounds but I'm only 5'3 so I don't think it's that bad...I don't know. I do wanna gain a couple pounds, but I know that's not going to happen. I have to eat to do that and I just don't care to eat. I hate myself so much that I starve myself mainly because I don't believe I deserve food. I only ever eat once a day, and that's if I do eat. Hell, I've gone 2-3 days without eating before when I'm really emotional. I just get so upset and stressed that I forget to eat. I'm aware I need to eat more often. But it's so hard to when I just don't care enough about myself to do so. I just don't know I'm going to motivate myself to eat more.

I still have dreams about my younger brother and I often think about how I fucked up everything between us. How I can never do anything to fix it. I've had people tell me "Oh you guys will reconnect in the future" but I don't see that happening...he's got no electronical device I can message or call him on. He doesn't ever write back whenever I've sent letters...knowing my dad, he's probably throwing them away in the trash and not giving them to my brother. After all, my dad wants my younger brother to believe I'm the spawn of Satan so of course, why would he ever allow me to reconnect with him? I often think back to when my dad went to Kansas and wonder how my life would be if I went with him...would I be happier? Would I be stuck in such a rut if I did? Would I still have a good relationship with both my dad and my younger brother? I blame myself for everything...if I just kept my emotions in check and acted more rationally to everything, I could of prevented this from happening. I could of prevented all this heartache and hurt. Maybe I'm just a terrible and toxic person which is why no one cares about me. Maybe that's why no one talks to me. Maybe that's why no one wants anything to do with me...I know I'm emotionally unstable, but I always try and intend to be the best person I can. I always intend to not repeat the same mistakes I've made in the past. But sometimes I feel like evert decision I make is a mistake. I feel like I just can't even trust myself even more. If I can't trust myself then what the fuck do I do? Maybe this is just my overly emotional mind talking right now, I don't know. My emotions are so fucked up. I'm either overly and extremely emotional or I don't feel anything at all. Like I just feel so numb to everything. Just so dead. Hell, I even think I'm becoming numb physically. At work last week, I was cleaning the soda machines and didn't even notice my hand was bleeding until my boss pointed it out. My hand was literally covered in blood but I never noticed I hurt myself, never felt the pain of being cut or nothing...it was weird. Maybe my body is just shutting down on me, hahahah. I hope so, though because I don't wanna live anymore. Existing is so painful. I know that's edgy to say but that's how I feel. I spend half the time sleeping because I can't feel anything when I'm asleep but I always end up dreaming of my younger brother and all the pain comes back...I literally cry at night about it...I know I shouldn't dwell on the past but I could never forget. It's just too much. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. How do I motivate myself to keep going? Telling me it'll get better doesn't help...honestly, the only thing that's stopping myself from ending it all is not knowing what happens after death. The unknown is ominous, you know? A lot of times, I just hope something will kill me because I'm too much of a coward to do it myself...I did relapse back into self harm briefly but a coworker noticed so now I'm just restraining myself from doing it again because of the embarrassment. God, I an so pathetic...and of course, my mom hasn't changed one bit as a person. I have nothing to live for. I just don't know how to keep going anymore...I wanna keep going more in depth, but now I'm afraid I'm being too ranty and I'm afraid of repeating myself over and over. Maybe when I'm in a less emotional mood, I will. I'll try to write more in this on my days off so I have somewhere to vent because it's not like I have family or friends who care to listen...I'm stuck having to listen to them bitch but they can't do the same for me...it hurts...