My Diary

Entry 97

October 10, 2020
5:00 A.M.
Saturday

Please don't ask why I'm awake so early. I don't know either. To be honest, my sleep schedule has been really wacky. I either sleep all day or I don't sleep at all. There's no in between. It sucks. I guess to update, nothing has changed. I'm still living with my grandparents, I still don't have a job or driver's license, thus I'm still a useless piece of crap. I wish I can just take the driver's test and get it over with. I can drive fine for the most part. But my granddaddy wants me to read the driver's book beforehand. Like does anyone read that anymore? I know what the test is like. I had a friend who got his license recently tell me. I'm sure I can pass fine. But nope, still haven't taken the test yet. I just want my license so I can finally be proud of myself for something, you know? I'm tired of being a burden and having to have everyone drive me around. I guess I'm just feeling more horrible about myself than usual because said friend is actually going to moving out and living with his boyfriend soon. He no longer needs to rely on someone else, like I still do...I wish I could say I was moving out and living without my parents or grandparents soon too. It just sucks seeing everyone getting somewhere with their lives while I'm still stuck in a rut. And I know it's my fault. I should get out there and do something, but I don't know what. I just feel like no matter what I decide to do, everyone is going to judge me. I just don't know what to do. But if I don't do anything, everyone is just going to make fun of me for it or keep calling me a burden basically. Why is life so hard? Why can't life be simple? I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to be unhappy. I just don't know what to do! It doesn't help to hear that my older brother got into medical school. Like I'm happy for him, but at the same time, I'm just filled with so much jealously. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but it's hard not to, especially since I'm stuck hearing everyone talk about how proud they are of him. Glad he's got his life figured out. I wish I just knew what I wanted to do too...