My Diary

Entry 150

March 11, 2023
4:03 A.M.
Saturday

Well, hello. As I am forcing myself to stay up all night since I work tomorrow night, I guess I'll update on this. I'll be honest, I didn't think anyone read this anymore but I was surprised to see I got a comment on my last entry asking when I was going to update next. Like 150 entries in and you're still reading?? That's crazy. Sometimes, I reread my diary here and realize how much I've changed. I used to be such an edgy little bitch, but I like to think I'm more mature now. Well, I'm not mature, but I'm not as terrible as a person as I used to be. Anyway, my job sucks but that's nothing new. I still aren't sure where else to go...I honestly think it's just my fear of change. I need to get over that shit. It's why my life is always so shitty. Right now, I'm working different shifts every week and I'm just so tired...so I'm working 2pm-9pm some days and some days I'm working 9pm-7am, so I think it's clear how that messes up my sleep schedule. I'm just so tired all the time, I just wanna sleep...I refuse to eat some days because I whether sleep instead. That's unhealthy, I know. It's probably why I'm only 98 pounds...not to mention, my younger brother. So my younger brother is here in Florida now living with my mom. He's been here for almost a month now...and she has yet to get him in school or get his ID, etc. She keeps saying "I'll get it, just trust me". Well, bitch, I don't fucking trust you! Not to mention, she even promised me the other night she was going to get all this accomplished yesterday because she was off yesterday. But did she do that? Of course not! She went to the bar and drank instead. Also since my younger brother has been living down here in Florida, I'm constantly getting stuck driving him around on my days off. For example, I'm constantly stuck with having to always drive him to see his friend, Eric all the damn time. Just so you know, I have no issue with doing that. I would love for my younger brother to reconnect with his friends from five years prior. It's just Eric lives so damn out that it's way too much gas for me to be constantly going back and forth every damn day I have off. Like my younger brother is living with my mom...she should be the one taking him! Not me! I don't mind giving him a ride whenever she's at work or whatnot, but no. She rather go to the bar and drink and make me do it. Ever since I got my license, all I've been doing is driving to do numerous shit for my mom and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm not your errand girl! Too much gas, too much money...plus I just have a day where I can just lie back and relax. A day where I don't have to leave the damn house because I have to do xyz because my mom don't want to. I'm just tired...like today, my mom got me so irritated. So I took my younger brother to see his friend, Eric earlier this afternoon since my mom and Sonny were both at work. Fine. Whatever. Well, I drop him off and I got back home. My younger brother decides he wants to spend the weekend over at Eric's house and he needs some clothes. Well, my mom tells him she'll bring him clothes for him. Does she do that? No, she texts me and asks me to do that due to drama with her roommate. When I show up at her house to grab his clothes, she's not even home! She's at the fucking bar! Bitch, if you can leave the house to go to the bar, you can go bring your damn son his clothes! Like AAAGGGHHH! It's so goddamn aggravating. I literally used like half my gas tank driving back and forth to Eric's. Not only that, she then has the audacity to ask for $1000 so she and Sonny can get a new place. How about fucking no? How about you stop drinking so damn much and you'll have money saved up to get a place? I'm not here to take care of my mom and I'm not here to take care of my younger brother when he's living with my mom, who should be taking care of him herself! Not me! She even had the nerve to ask me to get his ID and sign him up for school, etc...ugh, you're the parent. Not me. SHE needs to do it. Not me. She gets mad at me when I tell her how to parent, being all like "I didn't know you were the mother here, Zoe", yet she's trying to make me be my younger brother's mother basically. Bitch, you brought him down here from Kansas because you wanted him that bad. He's YOUR responsibility now, not mine. I don't mind lending a helping hand whenever he needs it, but I shouldn't be solely responsible for him but that's all that's been happening since he's came down. I'm just tired. I don't even like driving. I don't want to be driving him around every damn day. I even made it clear to my younger brother that I wasn't irritated with him, but with our mother. I'm tired of her pawning her responsibilities onto me and he agreed it's fucked up. I'm tired.

I am happy to see my younger brother again. It's been five years...I'll be honest to say that I thought I'd never see him again. I'm just so happy he doesn't hate me. He even told me he doesn't regret going to Kansas with my dad, but he regrets leaving me. I'll be lying if I said I didn't cry a little...he actually cares about me...he even was texting me yesterday to eat because he cares...like he loves me. He doesn't hate me like I thought he did all these years...also he told me about his time in Kansas and I wanna punch my dad. My dad had the audacity to treat his wife's kids like gold but treat his own flesh and blood like shit. For example, he accuses my younger brother of being a drug addict when he found a sock full of pills in a hole of a wall and brought it to him. Why would he bring the pills to him if they were his!? They clearly aren't his! Not to mention, it was my dad's wife's daughter's room who was just given to my younger brother. Like I don't like to make accusations, but it's clear who the drug addict really is here. My younger brother was also being homeschooled in Kansas, I'm sure I've explained that so he never left the house. My younger brother had to beg to get a job and my dad refused to teach him to drive because he wasn't "responsible enough". Not only that, my dad made my younger brother start paying him rent to live there because he was "freeloading". He's 16 years old! He's a child! He's supposed to freeload! You, the father, are supposed to be taking care of the child! Not to mention, my mom's been paying him child support the past five years. The hell he needs more money for!? But overall, it sounds like he's pretty responsible to me, I don't know about you. Also, the rules for my younger brother and my dad's wife's kids were different. So basically, my dad's wife's kids can do xyz but my younger brother can't. What kind of bullshit is that?? They should all have the same rules! As my younger brother explained it: he was the Cinderella of the family except he doesn't clean. There's more I can go on about, like how my dad told me he's never apologized to me or my older brother because he hasn't done anything wrong or ever did us dirty. So yeah, stealing my older brother's money from his bank account since they had a joint account; money my older brother saved up so he didn't have to work in college. That wasn't dirty?? That wasn't wrong?? According to my dad, nope. He's a perfect saint who can do no wrong. He even had the nerve to be all confused why me and my brothers want nothing to do with him anymore and I just replied "For all three of your kids to give you the middle finger, there must be a reason." Just oh my God, I don't know how to explain my dad. He's one of the biggest slimeballs I've ever known. I can't stand him. Just knowing how he's treated my younger brother the past five years just riles me up. I just wish I could just punch him in the face. Violence is not the answer, but words seem to do nothing with him. He refuses to understand my point of view and why I'm upset with him, so I guess a kick in the nuts is the only way to get my point across. I don't know. Anyway, I know this entry was all over the fucking place, but I was trying to quickly explain everything all at once. If there's anything I wanna add, I'll do it in a later entry. But anyway, that's my update for now. Sorry for the messiness of this, though. I'll try to be better organized next time.