My Diary

Entry 131

January 6, 2022
Thursday
2:42 A.M.

Look, don't ask why I am awake at about 3 in the morning. I work nights so my sleep schedule is all jacked, okay? Anyway, this is my first entry of 2022 so happy new years! I hope 2022 is going well for you so far. Y'all got any new years resolutions? You can share yours in the comments if you like, whether they're small goals or big goals. I'm simply just curious. If you're curious what my new years resolutions are, it's to get my driver's license and be able to live on my own because honestly, I can't live with people who constantly tell me how worthless I am for simply only being a waitress at a "trashy" restaurant. I am done trying to appease my grandparents because no matter what I do or say, it's not enough. I just don't care anymore. Besides that, that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm sure y'all are tired of hearing about that anyway. So what I want to talk about is how my dad started messaging me out of the blue. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this once before. Like I haven't talked to this man in like 3 years and out of nowhere, he just messages "Hi Zoe" out of nowhere. Um, what the fuck? I literally replied with "Uh hi?" because I was so confused. And what's even weirder is how he's just like casually like "How are you doing?" and asking me what is going on in my life...like we haven't said a single word to each other in like 3 years. Why are you asking me this?  It's just odd...but he went on to say how he just really misses me and that he's never been mad at me for anything. And then he says the dumbest thing I ever heard: he said he hadn't contacted me in so long because he had no way of contacting me because my granny wouldn't let him talk to me. So of course, I call bullshit on that because he messaged me on FaceBook Messenger. The same FaceBook I have had since like highschool that I had before he left my life. The FaceBook that we are still friends on by the way. He could of contacted me anytime he likes. Am I making sense? I hope so. Anyway, he acts all oblivious like "Oh, this is the same FaceBook? Oh, I had no idea. I'm so sorry". Which I'm sorry, it's BULLSHIT. What do you mean you didn't know? Our messages from the last time we spoke should still be there. I know it was for me. Also, for this to be a different FaceBook, that would mean you would have to search up my name and stuff, you know what I mean? And I'm sorry. We are friends on FaceBook. I find that hard to believe. Just admit it. You stopped talking to me because you're a piece of shit dad who replaced me with a new family so I wasn't of any importance anymore. And the other night, he completed contradicted himself. He was telling me his new years resolutions and he told me that one of them was to come visit me. Obviously, this took me aback because we haven't talked in almost 3 years and the last time we spoke wasn't pleasant at all. I just replied with " Interesting" and he asked "is it?" And I said "Well yeah. You don't talk to me for 3 years and then message me out of the blue. That's not weird to you?" And here's the contradiction. He then replies saying he didn't talk to me for so long because I told him to not talk to me ever again. Of course, that response confused me because I thought you didn't talk to me because you had no way of contacting me? This man can't even keep up with his lies. And guess what? When I confronted him with this, he stopped messaging me. That's right. Just ghost. Haven't heard from him in like 2 days since. In fact, once before, he mentioned wanting to visit me and I told him that I honestly don't want to see him as he has not apologized to me once for the hurtful things he has said or done to me and that I don't want to see him until he can at least admit he has done hurtful things and guess what? He stopped messaging me for like a week after that. Every time I confront him about how he has hurt me or any other family members, he just stops messaging. You know what that tells me? He still believes he has done nothing wrong, that he is always right. That he is the "good" parent and my mom is the "bad" parent. And don't get me wrong, my mom is a shitty parent. I'm sure y'all are aware of that. But just because she's a bad parent doesn't immediately make my dad a good one. You both are shitty in your own ways. And I will give my mom credit on this. She has at least admits she was a shitty parent. However, my dad can't do that. All I want him to do is at least apologize for the hurtful things he has done, whether it was intentional or not because the end result is I'm deeply hurt, or at least admit he wasn't always the perfect parent. That's all I want. But no, he can't do that. I remember that if I defended my mom in anyway, he would immediately be like "Oh, so your mother is suddenly a good parent now?" Uh, no. But that doesn't mean you can't spread lies about her. For example, on their divorce papers, he literally wrote that she abandoned my younger brother which is completely false. My younger brother made the choice to go live in Kansas with my dad. She did not abandon him. It's little things like that. But the fact he can't admit his lies or fuck ups, or tries to justify them shows that he hadn't changed or grew as a person at all. He's the same slimy man from years ago. It makes me wonder why he suddenly messaged me and is trying to wiggle his way into my life? What does he want? Does he want something from me? Does he want something from my mom? I don't know...it's just weird. I just needed to let this off my chest and vent here because I've had mixed feelings about all this as I thought more on it and it's been eating me up inside. Anyway, thank you for reading and again, happy new years!