My Diary

Entry 155

May 19, 2023
1:32 A.M.
Friday

Since it's past midnight, it's technically my birthday. Cue the balloons and party hats. I'm 22 now. God, I'm so old. I remember when I first started writing in this, I was in highschool. I was like 16-17. I was an emotionally unstable teenager and now an emotionally unstable adult so nothings changed, haha. But in all seriousness, have I ever told y'all about my reflection on the past? Sometimes, I get comments on my earlier entries and when I reread them, all I think about is how terrible I used to be. I was so quick to emotion from the littlest thing, and even though I still struggle with this, I had such crazy violent thoughts. To think anyone actually gave me support back then surprises me. Am I doing better mentally nowadays? I suppose so. Honestly, I think I just got better at hiding how mentally unwell I actually am. I don't act impulsively anymore, I just bury any emotions I feel. Not healthy, but at least I'm not causing chaos with my mental breakdowns anymore. I don't self harm anymore, but I still have the urges every once in awhile. I still have days where I just feel so empty inside and I have to force myself to go to work as I feel zero motivation. Unfortunately, I went from living in one toxic environment to another toxic environment...anyway, makes me wonder if I'm a toxic person myself. I probably am. Who knows? My younger brother says he doesn't think I am, but he doesn't understand that I'm not the carefree girl he knew before he went to Kansas. Anyway, I should stop being so depressing all the time. At least for today, it's my damn birthday.

I've never cared much for my birthday in the past. It's always just been another day for me. I'm the worst person to buy for because one, I don't ever really want anything and nobody ever knows what I actually like, and secondly, because I don't like gifts really. They make uncomfortable. Honestly, it's probably because I got used to my mom doing something nice for me in the past and then expecting something in return or if I protested to anything she said or did, she'll hold it over my head in order to manipulate me to be obedient. Like she'll be all like "I did this nice thing for you and this is how you repay me??" kinda thing, even if I was protesting against something actually bad. But like I said, she clearly did that as a manipulation tactic. I know there was one entry from a couple years back where I complained about getting a new phone or something from her and I had comments telling me to stop being an ungrateful brat and just accept the gift. However, those people clearly don't understand my mother and why I was so against receiving gifts. I knew she would use that and hold it over my head later, or she expected something in return. She never did anything out of the kindness of her heart, and even to this day, I still struggle to trust her. We spend more time together now, but because of our past, the trust will now forever be lacking. Even my grandma told me the other night when I called her said she doesn't trust my mother sometimes. It's upsetting to hear a mother say that about her daughter, but it made me feel better about the lack of trust. It always made me feel like a terrible daughter to be honest. I don't know how to explain it. I think she's improved a little, but she still resorts to her old manipulative tactics sometimes and that always leaves me feeling salty. Sometimes, I feel my relationship with my mom hasn't improved at all and we just got better at hiding the toxicity of it. It always bothers me when I have coworkers who ask me about my mom or tell me I should be more grateful to my mom because they don't understand how my mom has treated me in the past. They don't understand how neglectful she was, and how unloved she made me feel. They don't know about the one time she told me she wished I never existed. They don't know about all the abusive piece of shits she dated, which led to me being abused as well. You know, things like that. Like it got to one point where I told my coworkers to stop acting like my mom and I are tied at the hip, and that our relationship is sunshine and rainbows because it's not. Now my hatred has lowered significantly and I show some more appreciation for her but it's understandable if my trust in her is really lacking, right? Or maybe I am an ungrateful little shit. I'm just a terrible person. Who knows? Anyway, I meant to have a more uplifting conversation now, geez. I'm sorry. Anyway, my mom and I plan to go out and do karaoke tonight, and we're bringing one of our coworkers with us. This coworker has autism and not much friends, so we invited him along the past two weeks and I'm glad he did because he's been messaging me nonstop about how much fun he's been having and how excited he is for next Friday. Like all I wanted was to make him feel included. My mom, of course, is getting kinda annoyed by his excessive messaging, but it's like think about it from his perspective. He's severely autistic thus can't make much friends because of it, and we invite him out to drink with us. He's happy to finally have people who accept him despite his autism. It doesn't bother me one bit. In fact, it's just nice that someone is excited to hang out with me again, haha. Anyway, so that's what me and my mom are doing. This Sunday, some coworkers and I are going to get really high on weed and watch Fast X because I think seeing all the car crashes and all will be entertaining high. I stopped watching after the second movie to be honest, so I probably won't understand what the fuck is going on, but I think it'll be fun nonetheless. Also, we're going to a strip club afterwards because I've been curious to go to one (you know, just I can say I've done it) and my coworkers told me it's my birthday so we'll do whatever I want. So yeah, for once, I was actually excited for my birthday for once. I even thanked them for making me look forward to something for once. It was actually my coworkers' idea for us to all hang out to celebrate my birthday. It made me feel nice that other people thought of me I guess is the best way to put it. Anyway, I can't wait to have fun with some friends! We were originally going to do it today as today is my birthday, but my boss said we can't all have today off because Friday is one of the busier days of the week. Yeah, one of the third shift servers got tonight off by the way but not us. What utter bullshit. We even filled out a time request form but nope. I don't get what I want. But it's fine. I'll hang with my mom tonight and then my coworkers Sunday. It's fine. It's just nice to go out and have fun for my birthday for once. I'm always groveling in my room. I should go out and have fun every once in awhile. Anyway, that's all I have to say. That's my birthday plans.