𝑳𝒆𝒐𝒏 𝑲𝒆𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒅𝒚| ɪᴍᴀɢɪɴᴇꜱ ʙᴏᴏᴋ 2

Feel Too Much, Hurt Too Hard

Leon is a ticking time bomb, I'm just waiting until he finally breaks down. I'd be relieved to see some hint of anger or sadness from him, I'm sick of him tip toeing around me and forcing smiles that don't quite meet his eyes, sick of seeing him tremble when he hears a gunshot on the TV, or him spending more time hugging a punching bag than me.

It happens when I least expect it.

I wake up in the middle of the night, my hands reaching for Leon to yet again find he's not there, but when I get up and check our home gym, he isn't there either. I frown and glance at the door, noticing his shoes and jacket are here, which means he's in the house somewhere.

I wander about, heading back into the bedroom until I hear a sob. The sound instantly flicks some kind of switch in me, and I almost break apart myself right there in the middle of the room, another second sob comes from the bathroom adjacent to our room, so I head for it, pushing down all my pain and tears so I can be strong for Leon.

When I open the door, my eyes widen. Leon sits there with his knees to his chest, beads of sweat coat his forehead as he rocks back and fourth, I've never seen a man so...broken.

"Leon?" I whisper, my voice cracking as he looks up at me with red rimmed eyes, tears track down his cheeks as his lip wobbles, he's truly breaking down now.

He just sobs again, this time it's full of more pain I thought possible, as if he's finally allowing himself to feel everything all at once. I kneel in front of him, reaching out but he shakes his head and tries to move away, but the wall is in the way so he just curls up even more, hiding himself from me. "No, it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you or anything." I softly say, unsure why he's so hesitant with me, we've been through hell and back together.

"Go. I d-don't want you to s-see this." He manages to gasp out, his breathing becomes erratic, as if now I'm here he's forcing all that emotion back into the bottle, but it's too late, he can't stop. He cries harder, my own eyes well with tears as I reach for him again, more forceful as I cup his cheek to make him look at me.

"I'm not leaving. We're dealing with this. Together." I say with as much authority as I can, Leon must see my understanding because he nods and finally scoots forward, burying himself into my open arms like a kid. He sobs harder, his body shakes as I run a soothing hand through his hair. "I'm here with you, and I'm not going anywhere. It's okay to cry, to feel."

Leon just cries, clinging to me the whole time as I just sit there holding him together, reassuring him I'm not thinking anything differently of him. After some time, the sobs slow and his breathing evens out a little, his grip on me loosens so I take a risk and pull back, seeing a blank but sad look on his face.

"Tell me what you're thinking." I whisper, my thumbs brush his tears as he takes a few long breaths, he tries to speak but his voice is hoarse, so he clears his throat and tries again.

"I never let myself feel. Since Raccoon City I promised to push aside emotion, to stay focused and get the job done. But in Spain...I almost died. I was so scared, and I didn't want to be. I wanted to be brave, to be the perfect agent I was trained to be." Leon looks up at me as I give him a nod to continue, letting him know I'm listening.

"I always thought if I feel too much, I'll hurt too hard. If I could just shove it all deep down, I could manage. In Spain I lost two people who didn't have to die, one of them I killed, though sometimes I think I killed them both. I just wanted to help people," Leon's eyes glaze with more tears, "How can I help anyone if I can't save myself?"

I wrap my arms around Leon, rubbing his back as he shakes. "You didn't deserve to go through anything you did, and I wish I could go back in time and change it all. It's so much easier to not feel, to just ignore the guilt and the anger and the fucking misery you feel, but if you don't feel, you'll never learn, you'll miss out on the shitty perks of being human. I don't know who died in Spain, and I don't know how, but I know for a fact that those people had so much faith in you, and I can guarantee they both died knowing you were a good man."

Leon's breath shudders, he wraps his arms around me as he sits up and rests his chin on my shoulder, we both breathe each other in for a while, just absorbing the words we've spoken and the emotions between us. "I forgot what it's like to just be." Leon softly murmurs.

He pulls away and lets out a small laugh. "Guess that was all a little overdue, huh?"

I smile, nodding as I lean forward and press a kiss to his forehead, then I grab his hand and pull him up from the bathroom floor, leading him back into bed. "It's okay to feel Leon, it's shitty sometimes but it's life, and I'm glad you trusted me to pull you back up."

Leon lies on my chest, his arm wrapped around my middle as I play with his hair. "I trust you with everything. There's nobody else I'd rather have by my side to keep me going than you Y/N, I  love you."

"I love you too Leon." I whisper, smiling when I hear his breathing even out.