Madferit: The Novel

Chapter 92

            "How the fuck did he get in here?" Noel asked softly staring blankly at the wall while we sat on the floor leaning back against the side of the bed.

"He-"

"Why the fuck was he in here?!" He turned to face me. "No one's allowed in this room, Addie, d'ya hear me?!"

"Noel-"

"D'YA FUCKIN' HERE ME?!"

"Yes!" I whispered fighting back the tears.

He looked away from me and back at the wall. "He should be here now." He murmured. "He should be in his cot, warm and snug with his animals and his blankets...and we should be stood over him watchin' him while he sleeps."

My heart skipped a beat. "Noel-"

"It's not fair, Addie!" He screamed latching onto me in a tight hug. "It's not fuckin' fair! Why couldn't it have been someone else's baby? Why'd it have to be ours?!"

"I don't-"

"He's what kept us together!" He squeezed me tighter pressing his forehead down on my shoulder.

I breathed out quietly squeezing him back. "Oh, Noel!" I cooed.

"It would've been perfect, just the three of us." He mused. "Just me and you and him...and no one fuckin' else!"

"Well what if he wanted a little brother or sister?" I raised my eyebrows in thought.

He pulled back and looked at me properly. "What?"

I lifted the corners of my mouth in a sort of smile. "He's an angel now, Noel." I reasoned. "He's watching over us, safe and happy. No one can hurt him and he'll never be sad."

"But-"

"Do you really think this is the best way to memorialize him?" I waved my hand around the room. "Locking him away and burying him under a bunch of dust and cobwebs?"

He furrowed his eyebrows in anger. "And you've got a better way then?" He snapped. "What? D'ya think it's better we stuff him in a box and bury his memories in the back garden or summat?"

I shook my head. "No. I-"

"He was my son too, Addie! Or have ya completely forgot? Everyone else has! They'd like to think you're the only one who lost him! You're the only one who...me mother understood though. And so did our Paul. But everyone else..." He trailed off sniffling on my shoulder. "I just miss him, Adds! I miss him so much!"

"I know." I replied rubbing his back. "Believe me. I know."

"Then why don't you miss him?!" He pulled back to look me in the eyes once again. "How can ya say that when ya-"

"Of course I miss him! I think about him all the time but I try not to let myself be sad."

He tutted shaking his head. "Try!"

"I know he doesn't want me to be sad." I remarked keeping myself as calm as I could. "And I know he doesn't want you to be sad either."

"So you're sayin' he just wants us to forget about him?" Noel inquired.

"No! I'm saying he wants us to be happy and not stop living our lives because he's not there to live with us. Because he is here." I put my hand over his heart. "And he always will be."