Madferit: The Novel

Chapter 122

            The chair pressed on my back as if I was being slammed against a brick wall. But there was no one slamming me and there were no bricks. Just myself leaning back against the fabric cushion while I listened to Dr. Carson give his piece.

"You've had what's called a missed miscarriage." He revealed.

"A what?" I asked furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

"A missed miscarriage. It's a miscarriage in which you don't experience the usual red flags of one-"

"Like the last time." Noel piped up.

I glanced over at him while he sat there staring calmly at Dr. Carson. He wasn't one to dehumanize our babies so it was very rare for him to refer to our loss of Michael as anything like "the last time".

"Yes." Dr. Carson replied with a slight nod.

"No!" I shook my head fighting back tears. "That's not...so you're telling me our Grace died over a week ago and my body just hasn't been able to sense it?"

"Yes, I'm afraid."

I shook my head even more. "No! That's not possible! I know my body and I know our Grace and...I know what it's like to feel her heart beating from the inside. And I know what it's like to have a miscarriage. I didn't have any cramping or back pain or a puddle of blood in the bed so how..." I trailed off scrunching my eyes at a falling tear.

"How'd this happen?" Noel finally asked. "Why'd this happen? There's gotta be a reason and it's nothin' to do with anythin' we've done. Addie don't eat no junk. She takes her antenatal vitamins every day. She's dead careful in everythin' she does so how could this have happened?"

"I honestly don't know." Dr. Carson confessed. "We really don't know the cause of miscarriages."

Noel tutted. "Ain't that convenient?"

Dr. Carson looked across his desk at both of us. "We could send the tissue off to be biopsied if you'd like. Once it's passed-"

"It?" I repeated raising my eyebrows in slight shock. "She's not an it! She's our Grace! And she's not just a mass of tissue, she's..." I trailed off again with more quick forming tears.

"We ain't doin' that!" Noel shook his head. "What's it gonna prove anyway? Just another chromosomal abnormality?"

Dr. Carson sighed. "I wish I could give you a better answer but I'm afraid that's all I can say at the present time. Please know I'm not trying to demean what's happened and I'm truly sorry for your loss."

"We haven't lost anything." I denied. "I don't see how we could've when she's still inside of me. She's still gr-..." I covered my eyes with my hands as I began to sob into them.

"Shh! C'mere, Adds." Noel cooed pulling me into a hug.

I cried a little louder with him keeping his arms wrapped tight around me.

Dr. Carson waited patiently until I calmed myself back down before he spoke again. "At this stage, you still have the choice of going through with a D & C procedure or letting the miscarriage occur naturally at home."

"Home." I spat. "I wanna go home."

"Very well." He replied with a nod.

Noel kept his arms around me as we walked out of Dr. Carson's office. Simon stood by the car waiting for us and opened the back passenger door as soon as Noel gave him the cue. He didn't say much and I probably wouldn't have been able to respond anyway without bursting into tears. Instead, he just closed the door, started the engine, and got us on our way.