Sanders Sides Parenting/Kids One-Shots

(151) Seahorse Dad - Logince

Summary: After years of therapy Logan feels secure enough to carry a baby for him and his husband, Roman. What he doesn't account for is the dysphoria he begins to have.

TW - This involves mpreg as well as a good old healthy dose of gender dysphoria angst, as well as postpartum depression.

Words: 1527

Logan sat opposite his therapist, a small smile on his face as he twisted his wedding ring around his finger. His body was full of excitement - he was excited to share the big news to his best friend who happened to have a qualification that helped him deal with his depression and gender dysphoria. "So... what do you want to tell me Lo-Lo?" Emile placed his laptop to the side and leant forward on his brown chair, mirroring the excited smile.

"You know Roman and I have been talking about kids for a while now?" Logan started, balancing his excited voice so he didn't squee and giggle. Emile happily nodded and allowed his patient to continue. "Well I mean we talked about it, and we both decided we wanted a biological baby. And I want to carry it so we have our first IVF appointment this Tuesday!" Logan's mind flashed back to the moment he and his husband decided they wanted to do this way of making a family. It was a lazy weekend and the two were cuddling in bed, Logan working on his databases and Roman scrolling TikTok. After being shown a dozen baby videos Roman showed Logan a video of a father talking about carrying his own baby. It was very casual, there was no pressure, but it made Logan realise he would adore to carry a baby that he knew was a genetic mix between he and his beautiful husband. 

"Well that's great! Just make sure it's something you want too. Carrying a baby is very taxing on the body." Emile cheered, giving his happy smile at his friend. And Logan was so grateful to have such a good therapist.

"We decided it was good since I'm already paying for the therapy anyway, and I'm not as bad as I used to be. But if there are any issues I'm feeling you and Roman will be the first people to know." But at this stage Logan was just excited, he wanted to have a little being with Roman's hazel eyes and his black hair, and maybe even the slight freckles that Roman refused to admit existed on his face. He was lucky he could carry their baby too - it was a lot cheaper than the other options.

*****

Unfortunately, Logan wasn't a natural when talking about his emotions and often repressed his feelings in order not to inconvenience everyone around him. This meant Emile faced his patient Logan, who was trying not to sit in a ball as he placed both hands on his growing stomach, just staring at his hands in disbelief. "So how are we feeling today Logan?"

"Good." Logan responded quickly, in the fake happy timbre Emile could recognise right away. But he didn't say anything else.

It upset Emile to see his friend like this, even though he promised he wouldn't regress when he was carrying a baby. But it seemed he had - he had now locked himself away and thrown the key away. "What happened this week? Did you have any scans or talks with Roman - I know you love talking about Roman!"

Logan paused his hesitation and finally looked away from his belly. It wasn't as big as it was going to be yet - Logan was only about five months pregnant, almost six. He had done well to get this far without a mental breakdown even though one might be brewing inside his mind. "Um... Ro and I went shopping for some new clothes, for me, because - you know." Logan pointed at the belly and received a nod. "And then he took me to get ice cream because the baby really loves cookie dough. He really is so sweet..."

"How was the shopping though? I know you have a very particular style." Clothing style was a remedy for Logan's gender dysphoria, even though clothing doesn't indicate gender. But he liked wearing suits and ties - as they looked good with his binder (which he had to abandon during the pregnancy) - anything that was masculine was something he gravitated to. And maternity clothes weren't known to be very masculine.

"It was alright. I hope I can fit in my old clothes soon, only a few months away." A small smile escaped Logan's face as he stroked the belly, although Emile would believe that was because of the clothes rather than the baby's arrival. "They're healthy in here, which is good. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I went through all this and lost this little one."

There was the key peering over the top of the trashcan, Emile could unlock Logan's emotions soon. "How do you define 'all this' in this situation?"

Logan's eyes widened and he gulped, realising he had been caught out feeling 'less than perfect' in front of his therapist. He sat up and sighed, rubbing his back slightly. "I may be struggling an infinitesimal amount..." Emile only had to raise an eyebrow for Logan to correct himself. "I'm struggling a lot. My body's different, my emotions are whack, and the baby doesn't even like Crofter's jam! Every single time I taste it I throw up..." All the emotions escaped as Logan vented all his troubles, and Emile happily listened and gave advice where he could. Logan agreed to needed more therapy appointments, and he seemed ecstatic when Emile found a 'Seahorse Dad' Facebook group where he could make friends also in his situation. 

"Everything will be alright once the baby's here." Logan said gently at the end of the appointment, stroking his belly and taking a deep breath. "I'm so excited to see the mix of me and the man I love."

*****

Logan cancelled his therapy session the day after he gave birth to his and Roman's son, in order to rest and recollect. The newborn, named Patton, was born early than expected but he was healthy. The birth was difficult though so Logan stayed in bed all day.

"Do you want to go see Daddy?" Roman's happy chirps were heard outside the bedroom door, speaking to the baby and walking towards the bedroom. Roman was overjoyed to be a father - as soon as Patton entered the world he was constantly talked to by his more attentive father. Logan just didn't have the energy to even look at the being he had been excited to see for nine months, even a year. 

The door swung open and Roman's shout immediately echoed around the room. "Hi! Patton says hi Logie - oh look at him!" Roman lifted Patton's arm slightly to form a wave and the baby sneezed in response, and that sequence of events made Roman fall in love with his family even more. But Logan just stared at his family with a neutral expression. He felt nothing about this life. "Isn't he cute? Everything alright Necktie?"

"Yeah... Fine." Logan felt like he had no voice to complain with. He didn't want to complain either, not when Roman looked this happy. But Roman sighed and sat next to his husband, lifting his hand and kissing it before speaking softly and gently in the way that always reassured Logan.

"Look, I've been doing some reading." He started, knowing that the usual Logan would respond with 'you can read?'. But this time Logan just raised an eyebrow and finally smiled. "Yes I can read. But anyway, I read that people with a history of depression can have more severe postpartum depression than those who don't, as well as stress in the pregnancy which - let's face it - you had. I could see you weren't totally happy in your pregnancy and I wish I could have told you my worries and helped you sooner. But now, if there's anything I can do for you, you've got to let me help OK? I love you, having Patton is just a bonus but you're my priority."

A small laugh escaped Roman as he finally watched Logan show some emotion - even if that was crying and turning into his husband's palm to catch his tears. "There we go. Just cry baby."

"Thank you." Logan mumbled through tears and sniffles. 

"You're welcome honey." Roman whispered back, stroking the few strands of Logan's hair that were falling. "But how about today we go out for a walk to Emile's office and get a new SSRI prescription?"

Logan nodded slightly and kissed Roman's hand, before sitting up and leaning against his husband's shoulder like a normal human. Patton was on Roman's lap and staring up at the pair with his normal curiosity. And Roman looked back with love. "He has your eyes sweetheart. That's why I love looking at him."

The first thing Logan noticed about his new son was his curly, brown hair that had already grown all around his head. It was just like Roman's. "He's got your hair too. I can't wait to try brushing it before the school rush." The two husbands laughed and exchanged another small kiss while they watched their son admire the world all around him.

Everything was going to be alright.