Officer Shepherd✔️

Chapter 164

MEREDITH

we're in the kitchen eating dinner. "so, I was thinking..." Derek starts.

I look up at him before taking a bite of my steak. "and what's that?" I ask.

"it's something I wanted to do since I was young, I thought of it when I was 15," he says.

"what?" I ask.

"the army," he says. I stop chewing and sallow. I drop the fork out of my hand and it falls onto the table.

"what the hell are you talking about?" I ask looking up at him.

"I want to go into the army," he says. he has a look on his face that says that he's scared of what I'm going to say but he also seems happy about it.

"you... want to go into the army?" I say.

how is this something he's been wanting to do since he was a teenager and I've never heard of it once?

"are you being serious or is this just something you're saying because you want to see what I'll say so you ask about something else?" I ask. he better not be serious about this because I'm not giving birth alone, especially if it ends the way Logan's birth went and I can't be a single mother not knowing when he'll be back or even if he's coming back.

"I'm being serious," he says.

"you want to go out and get shot at?" I ask. he can't be serious about this, it's too soon.

"I'm a police officer, I'm used to it," he says as he continues eating. he acts like this is something he's already set his mind on, he's acting like this is nothing big.

"you want to go out and get killed?" I ask.

"Meredith-" he says but Logan cuts him off. "I don't want Daddy to die!" he says with a scared look on his face.

"I'm sorry, baby, I forgot you were here, you're dads going to be fine," I say.

"Meredith, I'm not being serious, I wouldn't joke about something like this," he says. he looks me in the eye and I can tell he's completely serious.

"Derek... you.. you can't do this," I say as I start to feel my emotions rising.

"Meredith, I've trained for this my whole life-" he starts.

"what do you mean you've trained for this? we've been together for almost six years and I haven't heard of this once!" I say.

"I didn't want to tell you if I wasn't sure it was going to happen, I didn't want to tell you I'm going into the army if I wasn't going to," he says.

"and now is the perfect time for this? Logan just turned three and I'm six months pregnant, why now?" I ask.

"because we had a lot going on back then-" he says.

"and things are perfectly fine now? now is the perfect time to leave and do this, why didn't you do this before Logan was born?" I ask.

"a lot was going on back then but now we're settled down, we have a house, we're married," He says.

"we have a three-year-old, I'm pregnant, I'm going to give birth in three months and you spring this on me now?" I ask as I feel tears filling the brim of my eyes.

"I wasn't sure if I was going to actually do it or not," He says.

"Derek... I'm pregnant. do you really want to be gone when she's born, do you want to leave and never come back? there's a high chance you'll never meet your daughter," I say.

"we don't know if that'll happen," he says softly.

"I work, Derek. and I'll be on maternity leave when she's born, I can't take Logan to school and have a newborn baby... I can't be a single mother," I say.

"my mother can always visit," he says.

"that's not my point, I need help everyday, not once a month. you could hardly take care of Logan when I was in a coma, how do you expect me to take care of two alone?" I ask.

"my sister's moving to Seattle, she can move in with us while I'm gone, it'll take your mind off it and you won't be alone," he says.

"you're sisters still young, she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life taking care of her nephew and niece while her brother his out trying to get..." I say but I stop when I see Logan playing with his food.

"Logan, Dove, do you want to eat in front of the tv?" I ask softly as I rub his arm. he nods before he leaves the table.

"Amelia's young Derek and she doesn't want the responsibility of someone else's kids," I say.

"my family already knows about it," he says.

"so your family knows you have a death wish but your wife doesn't?" I say.

"they've known since I was in high school," he shrugs.

"you're not doing this," I tell him.

"Mer, I've made up my mind," he says.

"so have I, the answer is no, you're not doing this, if you want to do this you're going to have to get divorce papers first," I tell him.

"Meredith I'm not going to die," he tells me.

"that's what everyone says before they leave, do you even know how many people die because of this crap?" I say.

"it's not crap Meredith, I'm an American man, it's what we do," he says.

"I'm Canadian, doesn't mean I work in a coffee shop," I say. "no, but you used to. wait, you're Canadian?" he says. I was born in Canada but my we moved to Boston when I was a baby.

"shut up. you're not going," I tell him again.

"Meredith, I've been training for this since I was fifteen, I know what to do, there's no one prepared for this than me," he says.

"do you know how long it took me to find someone I fell in love with, I love you more than I do my own family, I had children with you, I married you, I've never trusted anyone more than I do you... how am I just supposed to let you go off and get yourself killed," I say.

"Meredith..." he says.

"No, if you die that's it, I'm done, I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life with two kids. and Derek I want more kids, you want more kids... how are we supposed to have more kids if this is what your doing," I say as tears fall from my eyes.

"Meredith, you're going to be just fine, and you can freeze my sperm if I die-" he says.

"Derek!" I raise my voice.

"I don't want you to die for goodness sakes, I don't want to have to explain to my daughter why she's never met her father and why she never will," I say.

"Logan needs a father, this baby needs a father, and I need my husband... you can die when you're old and I'm going to die soon after you, not while I have forty to fifty years to feel that pain," I say.

"Meredith, I'm not going to die. I want Logan to have a good role model, and if perhaps I do die at least our kids will know I died a great person," he says.

"you're a cop, isn't that good enough?" I say. he looks at me for a few seconds, and the longer I look at him the more I want to cry.

"I can't believe you would do this," I say shaking my head before I stand up and leave the kitchen and go into the bedroom.

I close the door and lock. I slide down the door until I'm sitting on the floor with my arms around my knees, expect this time I don't hold it in. I let the tears fall from my eyes and I let out a sob.