Sitting on my couch in my apartment eating food with Matt my feet in his lap him feeding me the parts if his meal he don't want .. like carrots. He can't stand carrots. Lol he's funny . He keeps saying here woman eat .. I ask him what is ur deal with feeding me .. he says u have lost weight .. what ? I eat all the dam time !! I work in a restaurant and I have to taste test everything in class. I have not lost weight .. I say . He says u have in the past two weeks. I have lost a good 5 to 10 lbs . I look at him and take another Bite... he says so ur excited to get home. ? Yes and no ! I'm scared that place holds to many pains ... he says Jayson like saying the way I always say jay .. I say yes Matt we have talked about this. There will always be that . His dad lives at my house .. I'll see him . But he's made it very clear we are not ever getting back together. And I have to get the rest of my life figured out. , I look at Matt hey I'm gonna be 19 soon .and I really wanna have my own house and my career started I want to make my own way very soon . I'll be done with school once I leave here . But I still have the rest of my intern to complete .and then I'll have to figure out a job ...Matt says I know how important this is for you .to u . And I love that ur one of the rare females that wanna do this , like make there own life. I know you love Jason . I know u do . But no matter the amount you still kept your self and ur dreams . I truly truly admire you for that. I'm so proud of u . You have no idea . I know ur smart and ambitious and the most affectionate loving person. .and it don't hurt that ur the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on ..any man would be set to have you be apart of his life . And if Jason is to insecure a man to handle u for all that you are .then he's a fucking idiot ! You deserve a strong man , and one who is gonna take care of ur needs while u take of your self .. I'm looking at this man and wow. U said it. Like all of it. I'm so dam impressed with Matt and wow I feel the love I didn't think k I had for him .. this is new .. and weird. But in a different way some how I love matt. He says I love you Melanie . I do I have for a while . And I've been so scared to say that because I know ur gonna be leaving soon . And I know u still love him ... but fuck all that I love you. I put my had to his face and kiss him. I love you too matt. It's different. But yes I love you . He says I'll take it. He's smiling . He takes me to my room , and we made love for hours and yes it was love. It was heart felt and passionate. And so loving. Matt was perfect!! I could feel his love .. I know he really does love me. . The amount of feeling that we both poured into that night was powerful!! When we both woke the next morning Matt looked so happy . And I felt like the worst person ever. I smiled to his face while I was dying inside . I knew I was leaving him and it was gonna hurt him. I didn't plan this , I don't wanna keep hurting people why do I cause destruction everywhere .. the next few days had my heart in pure hell.... I was so dam torn . I'd fallen for Matt to a small degree and I'm so in love with jay that I cry every single Time I see his face in my mind .. I have so much love for jay and I've been so busy here that I wouldn't allow myself to feel really feel this pain !! But packing my things so kammie and u can take them to the air port to be shipped home is making all sorts of pain and flings come out of me .. today is so emotional for me I just wanna lay in bed and cry . I have to say good bye to Matt tomorrow and hello to jay soon .. my chest is so heavy today. I look around the room and kammie walks over to me . She says we had no idea how much this place would mean to us ..huh. I shake my head as a tear rolls down my face she is crying too.
