I'm not even sure what happen to me it scares me.. I'm not as strong as people like to think .. Matt help me snap back to reality. He brought me back for McKenna ! And what happen after that was just a mistake . I wasn't thinking . I was a emotional basket case . And every time I think of that day I cry ..I'm beyond sry for my stupidity! I never wanted you to feel what I felt. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. And I am ur friend. I love Ethan . I don't wanna be the home wrecker that destroyed his family. I'm so sry I say as I sob. I wasn't me. I wasn't able to process that much pain at once. I just went numb . I sit down and sob. She says I'm sry too. I look up at her .. she says Melanie I can't hate you. I tried to hook up with Jason .. I kissed him . And would have gone farther ... but he stopped. I'm looking at her like wow.. she says I told Matt last night. And I think we are gonna try to work things out. But we also talked about moving to Italy for a while. .. my mom is gonna sale the house..we are gonna move in a few weeks . I'm in shock. I'm sry marrissa. I'm really sry I never meant for anything like that to happen. I was telling the truth when I told u that I would t do that .. .. but if it helps just know that I'm living with the same hurt every day. And well mine might actually be a Lil bit worse. I found out my husband is not even who I thought he was .. she looks at me and says he loves you. He told me he wouldn't do it. . That night. He walked away. And after all the stories I've heard. One would think he'd do it just to get Matt back .. I say yes. U would. ..but Jay don't really work on that level .. he knows that I'm in love with him. We have issues . But Matt will never ever be one if them after gain. I can promise u that ! Marrissa I love Matt. I always have and I'm certain I always will. He's been there for me when I had no one else .. and he's picked me up too many times to count. And for him being my friend I'll always love him. And I'll always love Ethan. And I really hope you will let me see him again before yall go .. I'll miss him beyond words I promise u that. And I'm truly sorry ! I hope one day that we all find happy Ness and forgive ness. I pick up Ethan and hug him. And kiss him . I tell him I love him. He says I love you mimi.. I hand him to her I pick up McKenna and walk away. She walks away. I go in the house ..I put McKenna down to play in the living room . I sit on the couch and sob.. life is so emotional for me. I care so much and I love so deep . And I'm not perfect by any means. But I do care . I really hope that they find away to forgive each other and to be truly happy. ..I send this pray up I the air. And when I look McKenna is watching me. She says mommy ettan... she tries to say Ethan . I say he had to go bye bye. ..but I cry hard because I know I've taken Ethan from her as well as myself .. this is not fair. McKenna is taking her nap at noon . And I'm putting out my clothes for tonight. It's still cold outside so I've picked out a long sleeve black shirt jeans a silver shiny type scarf and tall black boots. I put another black tank top in my purse tho in case I get too warm.. Jay walks in our room he's just woke up.. he looks at me and says you've been crying .. he's leaned on the door frame. Talking in his sleepy just woke up voice . Has my attention. I say yes. Marissa came by we talked . They are moving back to Italy . He says what did yall yall about ? I say well. Basically I told her I'm the worst person ever and I've never regretted about my thing more in my life. I ruined two house holds . And that most of all I'm sry because of our kids were involved in the pain . I love Ethan. He's my heart too. And one day if Ethan or McKenna knew what I did ....... Jay says none of us are perfect .. he says she tried to be with me too. I look up at him like I didn't know. ..he says she kissed me and ask me to go to a hotel with her... I said no . I look up at him and say ok . I walk to the bathroom. He follows me .. he pulls me to him. .i say u ask me ...why I can't ever say no to Matt .. please explain why u could say no to marrissa but not erica... he looks in my eyes. .. because I couldn't let Matt believe he'd won.. I'm confused.
